It is Happy to Love

Walking as a Warrior

2011-10-05T20:22:00.001-07:00

My year learning to be a Warrior has been a good one.

A GREAT one.

But the battle is tough.

My last post was about Playing it Hurt. I said it was time to start playing hurt, and by that I meant that I no longer wanted my fears to hold me back from getting in the game. The game of life, of relationships, of passions, or of my goals.

So, although I stopped writing about it for awhile, I DID get back in the game.

I've faced alot of fears this year - especially in the first six months of 2011. One of the biggest was that I worked up the nerve and courage to take an audition prep class, take a voice lesson and prepare for an audition into the Pacific Chorale - a professional Chorale whose concerts I have attended through the years.

I was so nervous - but I went. I followed through.

I tried.

And when I walked out of that audition, I had NO idea if I had a chance or not. But I was elated because I tried and fear had not won.

To me, that was the victory!

A week later, I received a voicemail saying that I had been accepted into the Chorale. Tears from out of the hidden places of heart lept out of my eyes - I kept thinking, "What if I hadn't tried? What if I kept listening to my fear?"
That is one example (and one of the bigger ones) of how I am allowing God to help me fight my fears.

But I am also learning that being a Warrior doesn't just mean facing fears.

It also means having vision.

And THAT is what I have been seeking for these last few months.

I know my purpose is to serve my King.

"But what, oh King, do you desire from me? Put vision into my soul of Your purposes for me, and give me the strength and character of heart to follow after that vision."

This is my prayer as I continue to seek to be His warrior.

Playing Hurt.

2011-02-27T20:47:00.001-08:00

The heart of a warrior is what I'm after. And this week, I've learned that the heart of a warrior must be honest and it must choose to be humble, even when it feels humiliating.

In the past few days, I've had to look at myself in the mirror and say, "This is what actually happened, Heidi. This is the real reason; this is what has been going on all along. Plain and simple - you're scared."

While reading a book for my creative writing class entitled, "The War of Art," I ran across a small paragraph. It was as if this small paragraph was a mirror that the book held up in order to show me myself.

The paragraph said this:

"What are we trying to heal, anyway? The athlete knows the day will never come when he wakes up pain-free. He has to play hurt."

He has to play hurt.

It was a wake-up to reality for me.

It was a kick-in-the-rear to stop blaming, stop rationalizing to myself, stop making excuses, and stop waiting for my emotional hurts to be all healed and fixed in order to move forward in something that I still want to do.

Maybe outside factors actually were a part of making one of my biggest joys turn into one of my biggest fears.

But a warrior can't always, if ever, choose the conditions in which he fights his battles. He must simply fight with no excuses. The conditions around him, or perhaps, even the conditions inside his own heart, may make things more difficult, but he still must choose to fight.

It's time for me to step up and start facing one of my biggest fears and not waiting until all the wounds are healed because waiting for complete healing has simply become an excuse for procrastination.

It's time to play hurt.

What about YOU? Do you ever rationalize your fears?

Finishing Strong

2011-02-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'm currently sitting at the curved, bamboo counter of the busy Starbucks on Main Street in Huntington Beach.

An empty cup, which ten minutes ago was filled with my tall-soy-chai-latte-with-no-foam, sits to my left.

To my right sits another individual fixated upon his laptop. He was just talking on his cell phone with someone in either Florida or Haiti...I couldn't pick up on the definitive details to determine which location it actually was. (Not that it was any of my business....)

I am writing a blog post right now but I should be writing a first-grade lesson plan. I am in the middle of my LAST college class and this week I am supposed to create a lesson plan to teach to 1st graders for the daily math and daily language. I'm looking forward to teaching the lesson and working with those adorable 1st graders that I've had chance to spend time with the last few Thursdays but I don't want to sit for an hour and type up all the formal explanations of what I will be doing in that half-hour of teaching.

I can hear my mom saying, "Dreading is worse than doing...."

I can hear my dad saying, "Finish Strong, Heidi! Finish strong!"

"You're right, Mom."

"I will, Dad."

Come on, Heidi. Just half a class left! Four more weeks of assignments and textbook readings and tests. Four more weeks of writing and proof-reading paragraphs and hitting the "submit" button to turn in my papers.

Four weeks to being DONE.

And just three months to walking across that field in cap and gown and receiving that slip of paper that documents my six-year pursuit of a college degree.

Three more months until I offically have a Bachelor of Science in Education.

I cannot wait.

Ok, I'm gonna get to writing that lesson plan now.

It's time to Finish Strong!

Returning...

2011-02-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

It has been too long since I have posted!

It feels good to once again hit the "New Post" button and start typing in a blank text box.

Tonight, as it is 10:30, (and my original goal was to be asleep earlier than my normal 10:00 hour and be in bed by 9:30), will not be yielding an in-depth post.

However, I just had to come back to this little spot on the Internet after nearly a month.

Many lovely, lovely things have occured in my life! So many lessons to glean, stories to tell, and experiences to share. Some difficult and stretching experiences have occured as well and the lessons I continue to learn from those experiences always produce the gold that the furnace of the Refiner's fire promises.

2011 has truly been shaping up to be a year of training for me - the training of a Warrior. This One Word has truly proven to not be a mere idea but a true foundation for the work that God is doing in my heart and mind and life.

I think about how that word relates to my identity on a daily basis.

I have a growing playlist on my iPhone with songs that have themes of being a Christian Warrior (and I could always use new song suggestions!)

When confronted with decisions that make me want to hide, ignore, or pretend ignorance of a situation, I cannot escape the question in my head "What would a Warrior do?"

It's truly been a season of growing in strength. It seems, at least to me, that most of that has all been internal work. I'm not sure how much it shows externally in my attitudes and actions but I'm confident of the work taking place because I can feel my King is guiding me through it.

How has the beginning month-and-a-half of 2011 been going for YOU? Did you pick a OneWord for this year? Or do you see any themes taking shape in your life lately?

Perfect Love.

2011-01-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

You see the tall, leafy tree.

You see the flowers blooming on the bush.

You see the ivy creeping farther and farther up the old building.

What holds these plants in place?

The Roots.

Where do these plants originate from?

The Seed.

..........

You feel the stress of an impending occasion.

You feel the anger at other people's choices.

You carry the burden of other individual's responsibilities.

What keeps the anxiety-producing burdens attached to you?

The Roots of Bondage.

What produced these anxiety-producing burdens that are held to you by the roots of bondage?

The Seed of Fear.

Out of the seed of fear comes destructive habits or patterns of thinking, anxiety, anger, and a host of other burdens that grow and attach themselves to your heart through the entangling roots of bondage.

These roots can feel so strong and powerful that you feel you will never have any freedom from the burdens that they keep you attached to.

In all your efforts of strength, you try to release your burdens, forget your anxieties, and calm your anger. But just as a weed grows back wtih more vengence when only the portion above ground is cut, your burdens quickly grow back and begin to strangle your hope for peace.

You know now that the only way to be released from these burdens is to completely uproot these roots of bondage that grew from the seed of fear.

You go to work at tearing out these roots only to find that you have made no significant progress, you are exhausted and left more vulnerable, and your burdens now seem even heavier to carry.

You are then handed two tools to help you rip out these strong roots. You unfold two scraps of paper and read these two phrases:

"The truth shall set you free..."

"Perfect love casts out all fear..."

You sit and stare at these two phrases. How can these familiar words work together in such a way to free you from these roots of bondage?

As you sit, the Holy Spirit give you this answer, "You must know this truth: That your burdens, anxieties, and the theft of your joy is being grown from the seed of fear. And you must know what specific fear it is. Let me reveal truth to you in order to make you free. I will show you the specific seed of fear that has been planted in your heart."

You allow Him to show you, and you are amazed to find that all the burdens you are carrying are growing from this specific fear - a fear you didn't realize you held!

You say to Him, "Holy Spirit, I had no idea this fear was in my heart. How do I uproot this fear when the roots of bondage are so strong?"

And He says back to you, "You can't do anything. You see, only perfect love casts out fear, and in your humanity you are far from perfect. You must trust Jesus with this fear. His love is perfect and He can provide real healing. But, be warned, although His healing is complete it is not devoid of pain. Are you willing to entrust your healing from this fear to His perfect love and His perfect methods?"

That is where your free will comes in; this is where you must decide to allow Him to heal you.

..........

That is what I must decide.

A specific fear was revealed to my heart today. And I desire to be freed from these roots of bondage that keep me carrying these burdens.

Now it comes down to surrender.

And so this is the earnest prayer of my heart,

"Lord Jesus, help me to trust You. You have called me to walk in victory over fear and live a life victoriously with joy! I give You this fear and I surrender my desire to avoid pain. I trust in Your perfect love and your perfect healing."

The Belt of Truth.

2011-01-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

It happened.

The reason I was afraid to write my OneWord2011 post became reality and the fear I felt over publicly declaring the word "Warrior" over myself for 2011 took shape.

Doubt leading to defeat.

I finally wrote my OneWord post on Thursday; I was excited to move forward! Friday came - and it was awful. I felt utterly defeated. Everything in my emotional and spiritual self felt unable to cope with some new life circumstances, sudden sadness, and an increasing awareness of my own insecurities.

I felt like the exact opposite of a Warrior.

And it was through this experience on Friday that I have, once again, become increasingly aware of the fact that I have an enemy.

A few days in retrospect, it is obvious that instantly after I declared my intention to become a more focused and equipped warrior for the Kingdom of Heaven, the kingdom of darkness sent a little more attack my way, saying...

"Scare her off this journey before she builds up strength in Him. Hit her when she's unsuspecting and weak."

It was in this day-long battle that I realized the major importance of the weapon of Truth. Just as Ephesians 6:14 says,

"Stand, therefore, having girded your waist with Truth...."

Though it took me until the very end of that day to obtain any joy, I was able to at least be aware throughout the day that I was experiencing an inundation of lies and emotions. Therefore, I searched for truth and asked for God's strength to not let myself dwell in the lies.

So I am learning this:

A strong warrior must know the tactics of their enemy. And they must know what weapons to use as their defense.

I know that our King has given His warriors many weapons with which to fight, but currently, He is teaching this warrior-in-training the importance of

The Belt of Truth.

My OneWord2011.

2011-01-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

"Warrior"

It seems a bit dramatic.

"Health" seems a little more practical, a little more sensible, and a little more normal.

And up until a few hours before we rang in the New Year, "Health" was going to be my One Word motto for the year.

But while celebrating with my family on New Year's Eve, my dad, sister, and I listened to music in a corner of my parent's house. And as I sat and listened, the songs that compared the Christian life to war began to stir my spirit.

It wasn't the first time that themes of war had begun to tug at me in December. During the last two weeks of the year, I saw the movies, "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and "Legend of the Owls." I loved both movies because they held so much symbolism and I had enjoyed pondering what drew me so strongly to the noble heroes of each movie.

Also, during the last week of December, my husband began to read a book that has been sitting on our shelf for over a year - "Battle Ready" by Steve Farrar. Also in that week, I had read some excerpts from my parents copy of "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge in which he often compares the Christian journey to battle.

So, as I sat and listened to these inspiring songs, I realized that all the recent media I had been exposed to was beginning to point to a specific direction.

I casually mentioned this to my dad and he said, "Well, maybe God's trying to show you something."

I smiled and tried to laugh it off. Themes of battles and war was the last direction I desired to take for this upcoming year. Especially after completing a year in which my One Word was "Healing."

However, the more I pondered the stirrings in my heart and the more I willingly opened my heart to asking God if He was leading those stirrings, the more I couldn't get away from the word, "Warrior."

Lord?! Me?? A Warrior?

But I'm a princess!

A gentle, golden-haired, dress-wearing, encourage-the-knight-and-send-him-off-to-battle-with-a-kiss princess!

Lord, You know how much fear I still hold in my heart, don't You? Most of the time, I don't act anything like a fearless warrior.

Are You sure??

I wrestled with these thoughts. Then I began to dwell upon the characteristics of a warrior. As I brainstormed a list of some of the trademarks a warrior is known for, my heart began to understand.

The list grew long but it included trademarks such as:

Courage

Wounds

Strength

Vision

Boldness

Leader.

As the list began to grow, I began to realize, "THIS is what He wants to do in me! This is what He wants to develop me into!"

And when I understood, I was overwhelmed.

And Excited.

This is what I want.

But this is what I am afraid of.

However, I am confident of this, that He did not give me a spirit of fear but one of boldness and a sound mind. I believe that He will finish the work that He has started in me and that He will show how His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Here we go, 2011! Let's get started on this journey!

To find out what other bloggers are choosing as their word for 2011 click here!

Do YOU have any themes or words that you are inspired to follow after this year?

The New Year

2011-01-05T22:15:00.001-08:00

It's taken me a few days to get settled into this New Year.

I spent the week before New Year's Day getting ready for 2011 with some journaling, reflecting, and planning.

I had chosen my word for OneWord2011 and I was excited about it.

And hours before the clock hit midnight, I felt God start stirring things up and changing things in my heart as I listened to some music at my family's gathering.

And it has taken me 5 days so far to get re-adjusted to my vision for this year. Or should I say, I have been re-adjusting to what I believe God's vision is for me this year.

I've been hesitating writing my post on what the One Word is that I believe God is calling me to for this year because when I write it down, there is no going back.

This word isn't what I expected but I know it's what I need.

Stay tuned.... :-)

Permission to Myself.

2010-12-20T15:42:00.000-08:00

Just RELAX, Heidi.

It's OK.

Just relax, and watch the rain outside your windows pouring down from the gray sky.

Just relax. Enjoy the sound of the rain hitting your roof as you sit on the couch.

Take in the scent of the cinnamon candle on your coffee table.

Allow yourself to stare at your red-and-green glowing Christmas tree. Remember where you bought each ornament. Chuckle at the memory of how you and Adam came to decide on a theme for your Christmas tree.

Notice the whir of the washing machine and dryer in the laundry room. Let it remind you that, even on your day off work, you have still accomplished some chores. Let that be a comfort to your mind which seems to think that you need to constantly be accomplishing something.

But please, do not let chores consume this day that was set aside for relaxing.

Heidi, your identity is not in how busy you are or how much you can accomplish.

It is okay to rest. It is okay to sit and to simply enjoy.

A day like this is so rare for you, Heidi. Don't waste it by tring to accomplish everything you can possbily think of.

Instead, find pleasure in the soft jazz Christmas music streaming over Pandora and enjoy the taste of your peppermint tea.

Do you want to close your eyes for a few moments and just half-sleep and half-listen to the music and the rain?

That's a lovely idea - go ahead,

it's ok.

A Gathering of November Blogs...

2010-12-05T16:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday Everyone!

I'm enjoying a nice quiet day with the Christmas tree glowing, the rain falling outside, a warm house with chores slowly getting done, an awesome workout this morning, and a sweet husband to hang out with.

I'm also getting a chance to read some good blogs...

One of the bloggers I follow, Elizabeth Esther, hosts a gathering of bloggers and their writings one Saturday out of every month. Here at this link, bloggers have all posted their favorite piece of their own writing from the month of the November. Click on over! It's a great chance to be exposed to lots of different blogs, topics, and writing styles!

Have fun exploring!

And enjoy your Sunday!

Like A Floating Leaf.

2010-12-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched an autumn leaf fall off a tree?

Each leaf's descent is different. It's transition from being attached to the tree to it's destination of lying on the ground is a space of unknown.

There are times when the air is still and a leaf falls rather directly from the tree to the ground.

There are other times when the wind is strong and from the moment the leaf becomes unattached to the tree to the moment it finally touches the ground, it is caught in a swirling journey.

It is tossed by the wind. It is sent high into the air and then it starts to drift downward only to be caught again in a gust that swirls it in circles. The leaf is taken far from the tree and then, eventually, it lands on the ground in a new location as the wind begins to subside.

But it does eventually land.

Transitions can be difficult, can't they?

Whether they are short or long periods of time, the feeling of being "unattached" to something or someone and to have not yet arrived to solid ground or to a solid understanding can feel confusing as if you are being carelessly tossed by the wind.

But the wind that blows upon our lives is NOT careless.

Jesus said in John 3:8 that, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from or where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Holy Spirit."

The Holy Spirit knows how He is guiding your transitions through these winds of change. He knows why He picked that moment to release you from what you were attached to and He knows where He is taking you next. His guiding can be mysterious and unpredictable, like a swirling wind, but it is also purposeful and trustworthy.

The next time you have the opportunity, watch a leaf take it's journey.

Notice the contentment in it's travel. Notice the willingness that it embodies in each moment.

It is not fighting the wind. It is not resisting each sway of it's journey.

It floats, it yields, and it swirls with beauty. It gives joy to those that watch it's graceful motion.

The leaf does nothing except to yield. And then it simply rests and floats on the wind.

Are we willing to yield to the Holy Spirit as He brings us through transition? Let's trust that He knows where He is blowing the wind in our lives and let's make it our delight to enjoy each moment of the journey.

This post was inspired by a conversation that a friend and I had when she met me during my lunch break a few weeks ago. As we were talking about the transitions we find ourselves in and how we were trying to deal with them, we watched the leaves fall from the trees around us and we felt God speak to us.

What about YOU? Are YOU experiencing any transition?

Post-Thanksgiving Post.

2010-11-30T18:19:00.001-08:00

Well, life is back to normal. And for me, it happens to be a peaceful normal instead of the busy and stressed normal that I used to constantly find myself in. I am SO thankful for that.

My Thanksgiving Day was wonderful! Adam and I spent the day with his side of the family. We don't see the extended side of his family very often so I am always happy when I get a chance to see them and become more acquainted with that part of his family.
We also had a new treat this Thanksgiving. Adam's parents decided to "adopt" two Marines for the day from the base at Camp Pendleton. The city his parents live in puts together a whole event for these young soldiers - most of whom are having their first Thanksgiving away from family. It was so nice getting to know about these boys families and hear what military training has been like for them. That have quite the stories to tell! A wonderful blessing was to discover that both our marines were Christians and it was amazing to hear how God has been working in their lives while in training.

The Day-After-Thanksgiving was wonderful as well. The day-after-Thanksgiving has become a very important holiday in my family. We have TONS of traditions which include (but are not limited to) bagels, Starbucks, Hide-and-Go-Seek at the Christmas tree farm, decorating my parents house, TONS of pictures and filming, first sip of eggnog, teddy-bear ornament name draw, and the list goes on....
We had an amazing day and decided to finish the evening by watching some recently converted-to-DVD home videos. So Fun!

The picture is of me and Adam at the Christmas Tree Farm.

The long weekend ended with the grand finale of my sister's Junior Voice Recital. She is a vocal major at Long Beach State and is So. Incredibly. Talented. She was incredible! It was an hour of music sung just by her (well, one guy sang a duet with her) and she did an amazing job. She sang in a beautiful old chapel in Los Angeles and her voice left me with chills and tears throughout her whole performance. Her encore, "Great is Thy Faithfulness" was dedicated to our grandparents and she left the audience in rapture. I had the privilege of being the recital announcer which was fun until it resulted in my most embarrassing moment EVER. I don't think my cheeks have ever been so red!

All-in-all, an incredible weekend. What is also incredible is that, because of the peace I am experiencing in my daily life, I'm not too sad about watching a holiday pass. It was fun and wonderful and memories were made, but I am also enjoying the quiet and the calm of my daily life. I am thankful that I am learning how to have boundaries and to order my days in a healthy way for myself. That is something I am definitely thankful for during this post-Thanksgiving week.

What about YOU? How was your weekend?

Give Thanks.

2010-11-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad our country has a holiday set aside to express our thankfulness and remember our blessings.

Although the nickname "Turkey Day" has been beginning to take over the name of "Thanksgiving" for this holiday (at least around where I live), the point of today really isn't just to eat turkey. Or ham, or chicken, or pork for that matter.

The point is to Give Thanks.

"Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men, but be careful that you do not, and leave out the gratitude." E. P. Powell.

Here are some things that I am personally thankful for:

~My husband: He has worked so hard this year and perservered through so much and through everything has developed an even gentler heart towards me. I love him so much!

~My family: It is such a blessing to have both my family and my husband's family all in orange county. We may not always have the blessing of having everyone live so close and I cherish it now while we do have that luxury.

~My home: My home is increasingly becoming a place of refuge and comfort. As construction tasks subside and as my homemaking abilities increase, I am finding more joy in spending time in the comfort of my home.

~Netflix and a Blu-Ray player: While this may seem silly, these two things have given me and my husband so much rest recently, chances to laugh together, and chances to embrace some silly fun.

~Our Christmas Tree: Freshly decorated and amazingly fragrant, our Noble Fir is filling our house with holiday scent and beauty.

~Today and Tomorrow: Thanksgiving and the Day-After-Thanksgiving are two of my favorite days of the year! My family has made an entirely separate and wonderful holiday out of the day-after-Thanksgiving and I couldn't be happier that this time of the year has finally arrived!

~Salvation: My relationship with Jesus and my assurance of salvation is something that I don't consciously say "thank-you" for on a daily basis. However, it is the foundation and center of my life. Everything else that I do in my life hinges on the fact that I am a child of God and have received salvation. This is the true source of all my gratitude.

Enjoy this video of some of my favorite Thanksgiving hymns:

Frozen in Time.

2010-11-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

My husband and I had just gotten back late at night from our Friday-night date.

We walked downstairs to our bedroom. I threw my purse on the floor and we flopped on our bed to lie down for just a few minutes before getting ready for bed.

Then, looking above me, I saw two itsy-bisty white spiders hanging from the blades of the ceiling fan above us. And when I say itsy-bitsy, I mean that literally. They were really small - like babies. In fact, they were babies.

I jumped up to squash the two little invaders only to find that as soon as I squashed them two more were hanging down from the fan. Once those were squashed, two more were hanging down. "What IS this????" I shrieked.

"Heidi, look..." my husband said and pointed to a dirty looking streak on our white ceiling. What looked to me at first just to be a streak of i-don't-know-what ended up being at least two hundred baby spiders all crawling in a thick line waiting to take their first little journey-of-life off the edge of the ceiling fan and into my bed!

Disgusting.

You all remember the old version of Charlotte's Web where at the end Charlotte dies and then all of her babies are born and then they all fly away off of the barn post and into the wind, right?

Well, that's exactly what these babies were trying to do....except they wanted to fly into my bed!

So-incredibly-disgusting.

And, can I just say, I am SO glad we got home exactly when we did, and laid on our beds exactly when we did, so that we actually saw this happening from the beginning?? Can you imagine having two hundred baby spiders jump on you all night in your sleep only to wake up to a nightmare????

Adam started spraying the ceiling with Raid and then they all just started to lower themselves to the floor with their webs and he started spraying the air to kill as many as he could.

We slept on the couch that night.

The following night, I bought Raid bug bombs and before we went out on our Saturday-night date (I know, two dates in a row! I was so excited!) we set the bombs off in each of the bedrooms downstairs as well as our upstairs living area in order to kill every living bug, spider, or other pesky nuisance still living in our house.

What I came home to four hours later interested me.

On our bottom stair-step there was a [sorta] big spider laying dead. It had come out when we were gone and had been frozen in its tracks.

"Interesting to see what happens when I'm gone," I thought.

Then I sat on the couch and saw another spider - only this one was hanging from the ceiling by it's single-threaded web about a foot above the coffee table. This spider had also come out when we were gone and had literally been killed in action. It's position was frozen in time for us to see.

The good news was that I could rest assured that all the creatures in my house were dead - I had obvious proof.

But observing these two spiders that were killed in their track and showed me what they were doing when I was gone got me to thinking:

What if people could see me when I think no one is watching?

What if my secret actions were frozen in time and put on display for all to see?

Would people be surprised? Would I be ashamed?

So since this weekend, those are some things I've been pondering. How would I act if the curtain was pulled back and people saw my secret actions? How would my speech be different if I knew others could hear me? Would my attitude change?

Now, I know we all are human and need to relax once in a while, but just think for a moment. What is the REAL YOU that comes out when you think no one is watching? Because we all know that in reality, someone IS watching. And HE is the one we actually should care the most about.

So, I'm just thinking. Pondering. Hopefully improving some behaviors.

And I'm also reflecting on how grateful I am for Raid bug bombs.

PS...This isn't the only lesson that I have learned from spiders. Read about my other lesson here.

Thank You, Dad.

2010-11-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

As I laid in bed last night, my head on the pillow and my body curled on it's side, I couldn't stop coughing. All I wanted was to sleep and allow the rest to heal my throat but the sinus drainage just would not ease up.

As I laid there, I tried to figure out a way to get the coughing to stop so that I could fall asleep. And as I laid there thinking, my mind was transported to many years ago.

In my mind's eye, I saw a nine-year-old strawberry blond girl, lying on her Ikea bunk-bed with the built-in desk underneath. I saw a six-year-old girl surrounded by stuffed animals and clasping a floppy golden dog and a stiff blue bear and lying on an identical Ikea desk/bunk bed. The whole top perimeter of the room was bordered with kitty ballerinas in shades of pink and grey. The room was lit up by the glow of a fishtank and the only sound to be heard was the rhythmic breathing of the six-year-old and the incessant coughing of the nine-year-old: me.

I'm sure there were many nights growing up when I couldn't stop coughing. But I specifically remember this one. I remember my dad coming in (he always took the late night shifts when we needed something as kids) and propping me up with a bunch of pillows. He said that I would sleep better propped up because it would help my sinuses drain and help me not to cough.

Then he gave me Saltine crackers. I don't remember the exact wording of the reason he gave as to why Saltines work but I remember it being something like, "the crackers soak up the phlegm." He stayed with me while I ate a few and the coughing subsided. After I was settled, he left me with a half-full bag of saltines, "in case you start coughing in the middle of the night."

Then he left me with another goodnight prayer and kiss on top of my head.

So last night, after remembing that night from many years ago, I rolled out of bed. I went to my kitchen and grabbed the box of whole wheat crackers - the closest thing I had that resembled Saltines. Then I grabbed a cushion off the back of my couch and headed back to bed. I propped myself up the way my dad did and I munched a few of the crackers to stop the coughing - and then I munched a couple more because they tasted good.

Within five minutes, I was asleep.

And now,

I want to say thank you.

Thank you, Dad.

Thank you, Dad, for being such a loving, hands-on dad. Thank you for your gentle touch with all your daughters and for being so understanding when we were sick. Thank you for still being that way now. Thank you for your example; it has taught me a lot - especially when it comes to falling asleep with a sinus cough! ;-) Plus so much more.

I love you.

The Holiday's Have Started!

2010-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

And in the past couple years, the holidays have flown by WAY too quickly. I refuse to let that happen again. So this year I am being (or trying to be) very intentional in my celebrations.

And perhaps I got a little overzealous - I started listening to Christmas music October 27th. I have NEVER done that before. It has always been a strict rule in my family that the eggnog and the Christmas music stays locked up until the day after Thanksgiving.

Thing is, I'm a married woman with my own little family now and I'm learning that I can bend some rules, perhaps change them completely, as I see fit. And listening to Christmas music whenever I am in the mood, is definitely an awesome choice to make!

So....the holiday season (which, for me, usually starts on Halloween) actually started October 27th - this year's official day of whipping out the Christmas tunes!

While October 27th may be my official holiday start, this year's Halloween fun is not to be glossed over. Now, I know there's controversy over the whole "Halloween-thing." Believe me, I know. There were years where my family didn't celebrate, there were years we went traditional and simply trick-or-treated, and there were years we found "alternatives." But quite a few years ago we decided to just have some stinkin' fun. And this year was no exception. In fact, this year took the cake.

My parents took the whole family to Disneylands Halloween Party. We all dressed up, ate awesome food, enjoyed a totally transformed and mysterious Disneyland, watched a special Halloween fireworks show, danced with Buzz Lightyear and Friends, rode an even scarier version of Space Mountain, and trick-or-treated around the park. Not to mention taking pictures. Lots of pictures.

Here's one of me and my husband dressed up as mad scientists. Yes, I sprayed my hair pink. We had an awesome night, laughed hard, ate way too much candy and didn't get nearly enough sleep that night for work the next day. It was awesome.

Now that it's November, there's a few things I have been doing to cultivate the celebration of Thanksgiving and the cozy autumn season. I've been working on my goal of learning more hymns on the piano and I have started with a few Thanksgiving hymns. I have my fall decorations out - little scarecrows, a fall-colored tablecloth, gourds and pumpkins and indian corn, and candles. Lots and lots of candles.

I really want to embrace this season. I want to smell all the smells and see all the decorations. I want to hear the music and sing and play along. I want to take the pictures and write down the experiences. I want to make memories.

To do these things, I have to be intentional. In the midst of a busy life, Hallmark memories often get swept under the rug. To prevent this, I am going to write a list of experiences I would like to have this holiday season and what I need to do to make those things happen. In fact, I'm making that list as soon as I hit the publish button for this post.

Any ideas for what I should put on my list? Any fun traditions anyone has or fun experiences they have enjoyed in years past?

Unexpected Blessings.

2010-11-08T18:49:00.000-08:00

I don't like fighting sickness.

Especially when it means having to cancel piano lessons for a third week in a row with two of the most wonderful little sisters in the world. Not only do I feel bad about holding their progress back another week, but I miss my weekly dose of getting to spend time with them.

However,

I believe God has set aside tonight for me.

On the outside, it looks like a nothing-special-sorta-disappointing night. An evening filled with cancelled plans, a sore throat, an overworking immunity system, stretchy sweats, pony-tailed hair, and dishes waiting to be washed doesn't sound very glamorous.

And it's not, really.

But there are some special things about an evening like this.

A husband needing some de-stressing comes home and puts on his sweats too. Netflix movies give his mind some rest while I relax by writing. A steaming, homeade latte for him while I keep downing cups of hot tea with slices of lemon.

Tonight is a chance for my husband and I to occupy our home. It is a chance to use our home as a place of healing and respite. Tonight we can light our candles, enjoy the Thanksgiving decorations that were put up over the weekend, get cozy in our sweats, and just be.

Just Be.

Even when we aren't in the same room, I enjoy hearing him move around in the other room. I love knowing he is near. I love walking past him and being available for a seven minute conversation before we each go back to what we were doing. I like being able to share a quick-something that we just remembered by talking from room to room. I like being available to live life with him.

So, although it took my body fighting sickness and a night off of school for my husband, we are getting the blessing of occupying the same space tonight and just being together. Together, we are healing body, mind and soul.

And I'm sure that whatever tomorrow brings, we will be better because of tonight.

What are some unexpected blessings that YOU have received lately?

Doing it Afraid.

2010-11-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

I make the decision.

I AM going to go.

I start getting ready forty minutes before I have to be there and I leave twelve minutes before 7:00. I sing along to my most recent favorite worship songs on repeat as I drive and follow directions on my iphone.

I pull into the church parking lot and follow the signs set up for parking.

And, right before I open my car door to leave my little, safe, personal world, it starts to happen.

Anxiety - but not too severe. Not what it used to be like in new situations. But still, I couldn't help but be nervous.

I have learned how to control my anxiety in I'm-new-to-this-group situations by pretending on the outside with my actions that everything is fine. I am careful with the expression that my face is showing so that I don't look scared. I try to move in a comfortable manner so I don't look awkward. All the while, my inside is tightening and my hands and face are starting to become warm.

I am greeted by the girl at the front. The first of many ladies I would be meeting.

I follow her directions and walk up the stairs. Everyone in the room is talking in groups or in pairs.

There are three rows of chairs. I quietly sit in the middle row (not too forward to sit in the front on my first time but not too cowardly to sit in the back, either).

When it comes time for everyone to be seated, I am the ONLY one in the middle row. Apparently, everyone else likes to sit in the backrow.

As the worship starts, I try to remind myself that everyone else is here to worship - NOT here to watch the girl in the second row and criticize how she looks when she is worshipping.

The teaching starts. It's a small group that night so the teacher moves us all over to one side for a more intimate setting. I pull out my journal. I NEED to remember all that he is saying...it is so good. However, I am the only one taking notes.

Teaching is over. A girl comes and talks to me before we break off into small group. I really like her and I am thankful we are getting to know each other, but my nervous habits are popping out. Not knowing how much eye contact to give, worrying about the position of my hands, wondering if I am blushing, worrying if I will say something stupid.

Time to go to break off into groups. I follow this girl (who happens to be the girl who greeted me at the door) and she explains how the sessions usually work. The rest of the ladies join us for the open-share group.

Sweet and genuine ladies. Very welcoming.

We head into our share time. I try to give eye contact and use my body language to encourage each speaker. Then it is my turn and I get nervous again. I am much more comfortable encouraging others as they share than sharing what is going on inside me.

I share. The ladies give nods of understanding. The ladies seem to totally understand. But still, when I am done, I can't help but feel that many of the things I said, or how I said them, sounded a little silly.

We pray. That's when I finally feel comfortable. Praying for the lady on my right and I am finally able to speak genuinely from my heart because I am right at the feet of Jesus speaking to Him on this lady's behalf.

We finish prayer. I become self-conscious again.

I walk out and the girl I prayed for walks with me. She shares a bit of her story with me and I learn how much we are able to relate. We get to the door where I choose to head to my car and she chooses to stay and fellowship. I give an awkward "I'll-see-you-soon" and she gives a non-awkward smile and goodbye.

I walk down the stairs, back to my car, and as soon as I get in and close my car door, I feel safe again. Back inside my safe, little, secure world. My own little environment.

I drive home and sing the same worship songs that I sang on the way there and I reflect on my night.

It was a GOOD night. It was where I needed to be. And I am pretty sure it is where I need to continue to be.

I don't want to let my fear of entering into new groups and new environments stop me from fellowship and growth and blessing.

The group was filled with sincere, loving people. The worship leader was genuine. The teacher was loving and an excellent communicator. The share-group was authentic and safe and filled with lovely ladies.

The only problem was that my heart was filled with fear. A fear grown from the seed of self-focus.

My prayer is that as I choose to "do it afraid," as one of my favorite bloggers would say, that I will give the enemy less power in my life so that the Lord will be able to work in my heart and heal me and bless me.

I am thankful for last night.

I am thankful for the fellowship and for what I learned.

I am thankful for how God is healing me and teaching me.

And I am looking forward to the day when I am able to walk into new situations without anxiety. Until that day though, I will do it afraid.

What about YOU? What are some situations that bring out your fears or anxieties? Do you get nervous in new environments?

I'm Loving....

2010-10-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

....lots of things right now.

But here are a few biggies.

I'm loving...The Weather.

Thank you, So Cal, for actually giving us some weather that makes it feel like autumn this October! So deliciously cozy!

I'm loving...Quiet Evenings with Candles.

I have not been that busy running to and fro; however, my time has been well occupied.

I have been spending a few evenings a week at home. I have been opening a window to hear the rain and make the house cool enough for slippers. I have been doing lots of cooking and watching Redbox or Netflix-delivered movies. I've even been practicing my voice and piano music again. I've been doing all these things to the quiet yet enlivening glow of candles all throughout my house. I am LOVING my home evenings.

I'm loving...My Sisters.

Talking on the phone. Hearing details no one else is privy too. Laughing at things that only make us laugh. Getting together to work on piano music. Having comment conversations on facebook. Watching all three of them grow into beautiful (young) women. Nothing replaces a sister (or three)!

I'm loving...My Husband.

He is quite the guy; I love him SO much! He works so hard in every area of his life. He has so many big responsibilities pulling at him in this busy season of his life, and yet he still takes the time to share himself with me. He reserves our date night for just us. He sneaks in an extra date when he can. He calls me on his lunch. He shares his heart even when he is tired and also listens to mine. His positive attitude continues to uplift our household and bring me peace.

Thank you, Lord, for these - and so many other - blessings. You have withheld no good thing from me.

What about YOU? What are you loving these days?

I Used To.... Now I....

2010-10-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

I recently found an awesome blogger, Mary Kathryn Tyson. I love the authenticity with which she writes and the humorous way she often approaches truth.

I loved this idea that she did on her blog and I thought I would do it here too!

I Used To.... . Now I....

I used to allow my fear of people's opinion to govern my actions. Now I choose to do what I want or what is best for me, despite my still-present fear of what people might think.

I used to trust anyone. Now I am more careful with who I believe.

I used to never question God's love for me. Now I struggle with understanding God's love.

I used to not be okay with not having the right answers. Now I realize that it's okay to not know everything and it's good to embrace the process of God maturing me.

I used to be a vocal performance, then music education, then music therapy major. Now I have one more class before I graduate with my B.S. in Education.

I used to not understand what it meant to lose someone. Now I do.

I used to not be able to relate to the depth of people's pain. Now I have more experiential grounds on which to relate.

I used to read blogs. Now I read AND write blogs.

I used to not be very good at saying "no". Now I am much better at setting good boundaries for myself.

I used to think God's rules were very black-and-white. Now I think there is a bit more color and mystery to His ways.

I used to strive to be perfect. Now I strive to be closer to the heart of God.

I used to rarely go to the movies. Now I often go to the movies. (Thank you, $2 and $3 theaters!)

I used to be legalistic. Now I am beginning to understand grace.

I used to think that my opinion was the correct opinion. Now I realize that I am often wrong.

I used to love ice cream. Now I STILL love ice cream!

What about YOU? Fill in the Blanks: I used to_____. Now I _____.

Jesus Loves Me.

2010-10-11T15:06:00.007-07:00

I am learning that Jesus loves me.

(you would think I already know...since the Bible tells me so...)

I used to know He loved me.

And I am beginning to know again.

Not just hope. Not just wish. Not just pretend.

But KNOW. that Jesus. Loves. Me.

My heart and my mind are beginning to come together on this subject. My heart has known the truth all along. I couldn't give up the belief that God loved me and really desired good things for me as His child.

But my mind wandered. My mind doubted. My mind started trying to piece together all the hard things that started happening over and over and over and it eventually came to a belief that maybe Jesus didn't love me that much after all.

And, without realizing that my mind was believing that, I began to approach my life as if that was true. It was when I began to evaluate my actions and the way I thought about myself that I began to realize what I believed about Jesus' love (or lack thereof) for me.

After much wrestling in my own strength, after some honest conversations with close friends and family, and after walking in obedience to truth even when I am unsure, I am beginning to feel God renewing my mind.

He is opening my eyes to His love. He lavishly poured love on me this weekend. And He is giving me the ability to see things through the filter of His love.

This is the love that I used to walk in. But as I rediscover it, it feels so NEW.

Perhaps it is because I had never known what it was like to live without His love before.

Now, after experiencing what it feels like to walk in a way that doesn't accept His abundant love for me, I am more grateful and more thirsty for His love than ever before.

What about YOU? Are you experiencing God's Love? Or do you struggle with believing He loves you?

Relational Conflict.

2010-10-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, that is going to be uncomfortable.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that looks like it might hurt.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that’s hard.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Ignoring.

Procrastination.

Living in False Reality.

That is how I usually choose to deal with conflict.

I do NOT like dealing with conflict. I don’t want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I do want to take care of myself and do what is healthy for me. But I can’t be honest with the other party because it will hurt their feelings.

Indecisive.

Confused.

Hiding.

That’s me right now. (At least, that’s me in the area of relational conflict. Other areas are doing much better :-)

But this area: Relational Conflict. It can take me for quite a spin.

I do not know how to do what is healthy for me because I am so concerned about hurting other people’s feelings.

I recently started focusing much more directly on learning about some of my issues in codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. And then wouldn’t you know it? THE situation of all situations has arisen in the midst of my focus on healing in this area.

Do I want to deal with it?

Not a bit.

Am I going to deal with it? In a HEALTHY way?

Well, I sure hope so. I’m not giving any promises but I know I really need to heal and start making the right choices in this area of my life. So, I sure hope I deal with this correctly.

When I look at why it is so hard to stand up for what is healthy for me I have to force myself to ask these two questions:

1 – What is motivating your actions right now? The answer is usually fear. Fear of hurting others, fear of not being liked, fear of being misunderstood.
2 – What is God’s desire for you in this situation? Usually – though not always – I seem to find that the answer is what I fear doing the most. Awesome.

So, this weekend, amidst some really fun plans like:

~pumpkin patching and movie going with my husband,
~wedding flower designing with my lovely florist friend,
~ and birthday celebrating for my Dad and sister's boyfriend with my family,

I will also be doing some healing, decision making, and listening from the Lord in this struggling area in my life.

And hopefully in that process, I will also do some receiving of courage.

Because truth be known,

I’m afraid.

How do YOU deal with conflict? How do you decide to make the decisions that are healthy for you when you feel unhealthy pressure and guilt from the other side?

Disneyland-Day Recap

2010-10-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

My Disneyland-Heidi-Day-Adventure was awesome.

It was seriously one of the greatest days I've had all year. So.Much.Fun.

I loved getting to wake up and make breakfast for my husband and me before he left for work. I loved taking my time to get dressed. I had a blast listening to "The Best of Weird Al" in the car (further evidence of my nerd-like tendancies) and was excited by the bolts of lightening I kept seeing on my drive to the Magical Kingdom. Before I entered the park, I stopped at the nearest Starbucks and saw an old choir friend from Chapman now working as the store manager. (Too bad it didn't result in a free latte...)

I started my morning off at the beautiful fireplace in the California Grand Hotel. Fireplace, live piano music, vanilla latte, and journal....what could be better? I spent some time in the book of Philippians, specifially in Chapter 3 verse 14,

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us..."

In the moment I read that verse, it was an incredible reminder to me to continue to release the good memories of the past and live for what God has for me in today. In that moment, I felt a nudge to NOT go around Disneyland reminiscing about all the memories I have experienced there, but rather to go explore new things and to live moment by moment and embrace new experiences.

It was SO freeing and SO fun!

I didn't take pictures of everything I did; but here's a few of the pics that I did take:

Me, after devotions, and off to start the day:

The band on Main Street; I listened to the whole concert and it was SO good!

I chose the hand-dipped corn dog as my splurge for the day and it was delicious! I enjoyed some shade and some people watching while I ate.

The Halloween Decorations are so fun around the park! Not gruesome or scary, but totally whimsical and family-friendly.

I watched a musical comedy show at the Golden Horseshoe Saloon. Hilarious!!! I cannot believe I have never seen this before and I can't wait to show my family!

I went to the Tiki Room for the first time in about 10 years and had a blast. Then, I went on over to watch Caption EO. Here's me in my 3-D glasses waiting for the show.

So, there's my little tour of what parts of my day were like! Besides being a super-fun time, God also spoke some wonderful things to my heart and allowed me to have the ability to fully embrace what He was leading me in that day.

Perhaps, in the near future, I will share....

Disneyland-Heidi-Day-Adventure.

2010-09-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I get to go somewhere totally fun.

Where?

Disneyland!

And I am going with somebody totally cool.

Who?

Myself!

It’s true. I am going to Disneyland on my day-off-work and I am going alone.

And I am SO excited.

I have wanted to spend a day at Disneyland by myself since the day I was a junior in high school and spent two hours in Fantasyland annotating the book “Fahrenheit 451” for my English class while my mom and little sisters went on all the rides. I originally thought it would be a chore. However, I didn’t want to stay at home when my family went to Disneyland so I had to bring my homework along. Those two hours were so much fun and one of my highlights of all my Disneyland experiences.

Disney music all around = awesome. Delicious smells = awesome. People watching = awesome. Annotating literature surrounded by all these things = double awesome.

(I know, I know. Possibly a bit strange? Definitely nerdy. But Oh.So.True.)

So since that day, I have wanted to spend an entire day myself wandering through the magic of Disneyland and California Adventure and soaking it in from an entirely different perspective than I normally do. I love exploring this place in different ways. (That is the beautiful thing about having an annual pass.)

“What do you plan on doing all day by yourself?” you may ask.

Well, as Anne Shirley would say, “there is so much scope for the imagination” at Disneyland and I want to go with my Bible, my book, and my journal, and a few pens and let my imagination and inspiration run free!

I’m envisioning…

…Curling up by the fireplace in the California Grand Hotel and having my devotions. …
Walking down Main St. and looking at all the details I always miss in those adorably decorated windows.
…Sitting with my journal by one of the many water locations and just writing whatever comes to mind.
…Tasting one of their huge corn dogs for the first time or perhaps indulging in an ice cream cone. I haven’t decided which one yet.
...Planting myself in a crowded spot and people watching.
…Sitting down on an ordinary bench while letting my mind imagine the unordinary.

So, something I have wanted to do for seven years (I’m not exaggerating) is finally coming true!
So this dream (“a wish that your heart makes”) is finally being realized at “the place where dreams come true!” [would you care for anymore Disney references? I got plenty!]

I’ll take some pictures and maybe post a few of them next week when I recap the experience of the Disneyland-Heidi-Day-Adventure.

Wish me luck as I enjoy my zipadee-dooda-Day!!!

How They Make Home.

2010-09-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

She has a delicious scent plug-ins in her room. She is the queen of accessories and always knows how to glam up my outfit when I come over. She has her mementos, pictures, and verses decorating every corner of her room. She carries her iPod station or Macbook around to whatever room she is in and she picks the perfect playlist to set the desired mood for the atmosphere - whether it is a lazy afternoon by the pool or an early morning getting-dressed session. She opens mango salsa and spinach chips for an afternoon snack.

This is how she makes her space

beautiful.warm.inviting.home.

She is my sister.

Her fridge contains organic ingredients and healthy, raw dairy products. As an act of love, she spends time in the kitchen preparing meals and trying out new recipes for her family. She sets enticing snacks out all day long. She arranges the place mats at the dinner table closer together in order to facilitate better conversation and deeper community during the meal. She turns music on and has oil scent plug-ins. Visitors are greeted by the running water up the walkway, a welcome sign, and an unlocked door.

This is how she makes her space
beautiful.warm.inviting.home.

She is my best friend's mom.

She has a pot of freshly ground coffee brewing. She has a variety of coffee creamers to choose from to make every cup of coffee special. She arranges the furniture to facilitate easy conversation. She has at least two candles in every room and buys seasonal scents. She doesn't wait until company comes to light them but instead enjoys them every day. There is a music station on the counter and the sounds of worship music can usually be heard streaming from that corner. Musical instruments are placed around her house, cultivating an environment of creativity. She delights in the expression of beauty.

This is how she makes her space

beautiful.warm.inviting.home.

She is my mom.

I have been observing these women lately. I feel so "home" in their presence. I feel home in their "space." I have been observing what they do to cultivate these atmospheres that I enjoy so much. And, outside of their warm and loving personalities, I see some similarities.

Music.

Scents.

Food.

Conversation settings.

Aesthetic Beauty.

They all make a distinct effort to include these things in their home experiences. As I continue to build my home, I'm grateful for these woman (and others in my life) who I can glean from.

What do YOU do to create the environment you love in the space that you call your own?

My Heart Is In H.B.

2010-09-26T21:47:00.001-07:00

I belong here.

Whenever I come here, I feel like I'm home. Known. I know myself best here.

Just like the smell of freshly brewed coffee when I walk into my parents house, the smell of the long and soft green grass on the north side of the HB pier welcomes me home. It's as if the scent of the grass is saying,
"Hey Heidi! Good to see you again. Sit! Soak it in. Relax! Welcome home."

So I do.

And here I am.

A blown wish-flower stem lays next to me - the seeds already scattered by my big blow with all the breath I could muster.

Perhaps that why I feel like I belong here. So many wishes have been blown here by me during the course of my life. I am sure some of those wishes have taken root in this grass.
Perhaps I've recycled my wishes and have blown the same wishes I have helped to grow here. Blowing and Planting. Blowing and Planting. My wishes keep growing here in HB.

As I lay in this wish-sprinkled grass, I see an unoccupied picnic table to my far left. But in my mind's eye, there is much activity at that table.

In my mind's eye, My Grandma Clarice is spreading out a plastic, red-and-white checkered table cloth. It catches in the wind and my nine-year-old self runs to catch the corners and help her lay it down.

We all carry down the food and most of us are wearing over-sized Michigan sweatshirts. My mom holds my newly-born sister tightly bundled in a blanket. I switch between being a mature daughter helping with the dishes to being a pony-tailed girl who wants to roll down the hills with my six-year-old sister.

After a couple hours, it starts to get windy. My grandpa warns that we shouldn't be out when it is cold and damp. My mom rallies us up and my dad loads the car. I soak every last bit of the wind that I can before I get in the car and stare out the window at the ocean.

I blink....and I'm back to reality.

As I'm laying on this ground where I've planted my wishes, I realize that my sometimes-wish of going back in time can only happen in the fond remembrances of my mind.

But the gentle swirling breeze around me and the rhythmic roar of the ocean before me reminds me that my future lies in forward motion. The whisper seems to say to me,

"It is good to know where you've come from. Be thankful for your roots, embrace your foundation, smile at your memories.

But live in the now.

And, without rushing, anticipate your future with joy.

And in this moment, laying on a bed of grass and childhood wishes,

Be Glad."

This post was first written in my journal, on a beautiful Sunday early-evening, in Huntington Beach, CA

Hurt By Love.

2010-09-23T15:00:00.002-07:00

I have been hurt by Love.

No, I haven't been hurt by romance. I haven't experienced falling in love in a romantic relationship only to have the other person change their mind and let my heart go. I do have friends who have been hurt by love in this way and I have seen second-hand the pain they have endured.

But the hurt that I am referring to is different.

My heart has a deep capacity to love. That love causes me to attach very strongly to the things and people I love and when those things I love are lost or taken from me, my heart bleeds from the holes that the losses leave.

I don't remember being hurt much by love in my childhood or teen years. Of course, I wasn't much of a risk-taker back then either. During that time, I saved the majority of my love and the depth of my love for members of my family.

When I started college, however, things changed. I started to experience the freedom of giving away my love to others outside of my family. Not just giving my love as an act of service or ministry, but giving my love and receiving others love in a way that bound my heart with others.

I experienced a depth of friendships I had never known. I experienced the presence of Jesus in my life closer than ever before, and I experienced giving my full heart to the man I fell in love with. I discovered to an even greater degree how beautiful love is.

But it didn't take long for me to discover the intensity of pain that love can bring. It is true what Much-Afraid said that, "... if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can."

Those that I love didn't mean to intentionally cause me pain. And those things that I loved such as security, unity, and ease had no control over the fact that my heart was hurt when I lost those things. Life happens.

Disappointments, changes, and new relational roles in my family brought confusion and pain.

The loss of a friendship that I never imagined my life without left sadness.

The loss of community and purpose I experienced at my old church left me in a season of brokenness.

The loss of my grandpa and my grandma tore out my heart and shook my foundation.

The loss of my unborn baby has threatened my ability to dare hope for what I long for in my future.

Yes, Love - and the giving away of my love - has caused me pain.

And now I can't help but wonder if all my pains, which were caused by my love, are keeping me from receiving the abundant Love of Jesus. The Love from Him that I used to receive so freely. The Love from Him that I used to receive without question.

I am realizing now, that because of my losses and the pain they have caused, I have begun to question if He truly loves me in the way I thought He did. This has made it difficult for me to approach Him with the freedom I used to enjoy. And thus, I have been kept from an abundant walk of joy with Him.

As I type this, I see now (if only a little glimmer) the reason God came down and died upon a cross for humankind. He loved us so much that He wanted to restore broken creation and, more importantly, restore perfect relationship with Him.

The pains I experienced were not God's fault. The pains are the result of the brokenness of creation and the sin that is so ever-present in the world.

But God can use my pains.

Just as He is now using them to show me more of the depth of WHY He came to die.

He came to make things right.

He came to make things new.

He came to cleanse those who would receive Him from sin.

He came to show us that It Is Happy To Love when we realize that He IS Love.

Even still, I look forward to the day when I reach the place where there will be no more pain as the result of my love.

As His Word says in Revelation 21:4

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things will be gone forever."

Thank you, Jesus!

Happy First Day of Autumn!

2010-09-22T09:10:00.001-07:00

I thought yesterday was the start of autumn, but then I googled it this morning and discovered that for the United States, the start of the autumn season is TODAY!
Fun fact for ya: For Europe, the start of Autumn is tomorrow, September 23rd (at least for this year.)

I am taking so much delight in the fact that this year the start of autumn actually feels like autumn - even right here in Orange County, CA!

Gray skies, mysterious clouds, crisp air, a perfect fall breeze.....

It Is Wonderful.

The season of autumn brings much to look forward to. In my family, we have traditions for pretty much every type of event year-round. However, the fall season holds the majority of our favorite traditions.

I'm looking forward to pumpkin pie, nights around the fireplace at my parents house with the whole family, coffee and creamer, pumpkin patches, family dinners, lots of picture taking and more.

I'm also looking forward to the experimentation and creation of my own traditions as well. I plan on trying a few new seasonal recipes and maybe discovering some new candle scents. I'm going to buy some autumn tea flavors and I might even attempt some autumn decorating of my house this year.

The turning of a season.

The expectation of the future.

The contentment of today.

What about YOU? What are some of the ways you make the autumn season special? What are some traditions you look forward to year after year?

Little Miss Heidi...

2010-09-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Tried to stay tidy,

While eating her

CURDS AND WHEY.

I am SUPER excited about an awesome technique I just learned. I can now make my own whey and my own cream cheese (curds)!!!

There are a few ways to do this depending on what dairy product is being used, but I learned to do it through separating the curds and whey from Whole, Organic, Plain Yogurt.

Here's the first picture I took of the process (sidenote: I went out to Tuesday Morning and bought this awesome wire sieve after work)

To get the whey out of the yogurt, you put a thin towel (I found the perfect one today!) and use it to line the wire mesh strainer. The strainer goes over the container that catches the whey. Then, pour the yogurt into the towel. The whey will slowly start to drip into the container below.

This is a picture of the yogurt that has already started to release some of the whey.

You can let this process occur all day, but I only had the afternoon. To finish the process, you tie the ends of the towel across a long spoon and let the towel full of the yogurt hang into a long, wide-mouthed container (a vase is suggested.) Then you put it in the fridge overnight and pour the rest of the whey into the whey jar. The solids left in the towel are used as cream cheese or sour cream; it has the ability to taste like either item depending on the setting. It is SO delicious.

This is what the last step looks like before it goes in the fridge. Do you see that glass jar full of the clear, yellowish liquid? That's the whey! Tomorrow morning I will pour the rest into that jar and then I am planning on reusing the yogurt container to store the cream cheese.

What, you may ask, are the practical uses for whey?

The most important use is Digestion. Taking a straight spoon or two of the whey a day is an excellent way to improve your digestion; it is rich with enzymes.

It is also used to ferment foods and beverages. Sauerkraut and pickles are the next two recipes I want to try and both those recipes call for whey.

So, my friends, as you can see, I am quite excited about this new style of cooking.
I still have so much to learn and I really want to properly introduce you to my new cookbook (which is more like a life-transformer tool) but that will have to wait for another day.

Oh, and I promise I've been thinking about lots of spiritual stuff lately too.

Mainly, Contentment.

But I just had to share my excitement of these cooking ventures with you all.

Deeper posts to come soon :-)

*ps - did you all get the literary nursery rhyme reference at the beginning of this post?

Just checkin'

;-)

Contentment. Awwwww…….

2010-09-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

After a long evening of cooking, I am settled in on my couch, letting my hair drip dry from my shower over the edge of the cushions.

My body is tired but not exhausted.

My brain is alert but calm and quiet.

My heart is content and satisfied.

There were lots of things on my roster for what I wanted to accomplish today after work. Lots of those things didn’t get done. (i.e. progress on painting my walls, vacuuming, folding the basket of clean laundry, cleaning my patio and watering all my plants)

But there were lots of things that DID get done. I just didn’t realize how long it would take to do them.

But do you know what I am excited about???

I am excited that I am not stressed out about what I didn’t do and that I am more excited about what I DID do! THAT is an accomplishment for me. Like I wrote about here, I am really learning to slow down and embrace each day, even if the day has a ton packed into it!

I want my heart to be content and my spirit to be calm, even if my pace of life does not slow down.

So, partly because I want to prove that I actually did something tonight and more because I am just really excited about a bunch of new recipes I am learning and my new focus on cooking in my life, I have decided to show you pictures. (taken with my iPhone of course!)

Above is the remainder of my Homeade Chicken Stock. Some stock was used to prepare the Cream of Mushroom Soup.

Above is Homeade Cream of Mushroom Soup. Made with the chicken stock and homeade cream cheese!

Above is a full jar of fresh chicken salad and then a bowl of remaining chicken waiting to be used in another recipe.

I also hardboiled a bunch of eggs for an easy snack, sliced up some cantaloup, and made a quinoa salad with some yummy fresh ingredients.

I'm having so much fun learning to cook in a new and healthy and old-fashioned way. I am sure sometime in the near future I will introduce you to my new cookbook that I got at my friends house over the past weekend, and I am sure I will write about all that I am learning about our American food products. But for now, I have much to learn and I am simply excited to share the photo's of my process :-)

What about you? Is there anything that your heart is finding contentment in?

Words. Friendship. Rest.

2010-09-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

I seem to have run out of words the past couple days.

I not only seem to be at a loss of words to put on this blog but also at a loss of words flying around at rapid speed in my head.

And I am mucho happy about the latter.

On Friday, I wrote about striving and the constant motions of words and questions whirring around in my head. That night, I headed up to my best friend’s house in Northridge. We actually spent the weekend at her parent’s house; a place which I have come to know as my personal retreat getaway in the last couple years.

My weekend was FULL of words. What would you expect if you hadn’t seen your best friend for three months because she had been out-of-state??

Words exchanged across a tiny wooden table in the corner at Starbucks.

Words exchanged in the shady corner of the backyard with a tissue in hand and tears running out the corners of my eyes.

Words shared a foot across from each other as we shared the bed and talked about the things best friends talk about late at night. More words shared even with our backs turned because we were trying to sleep but we still had more to say.

Words in the kitchen while making our snacks.

Words of exclamation while watching Planet Earth videos.

Words while driving. Words while resting. Words while laughing.

It felt SO good.

My friend and I? Well, we both do words well!

The combination of the flowing of words and the receiving of words, rest and play, productivity and pampering has resulted in some of the most mentally peaceful days I have had in a long time.

The lightening speed of words zipping around in my head isn’t really occurring right now. In fact, I have actually caught myself a couple times in the past few days not thinking about anything.

I would all of a sudden realize, “Oh my gosh! I was just not thinking about anything!”

THAT hasn’t happened in a long time. And it felt good.

I still have a lot of the same questions that I have been asking myself. They aren’t all answered. But I don’t feel so panicked about needing having the answers all NOW. I will continue to search (especially from the Lord) and the answers will come.

But the main thing that this weekend of words, friendship and rest showed me was that the main thing is Jesus.

It is all about KNOWING JESUS.

I knew that. But I needed those three things (words, friendship, and rest) to remind me of that and to refresh my soul.

And to my dear friend and her lovely mom and wonderful family, thank you SO much!

I Am Striving.

2010-09-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

It’s true.

And I don’t know how to stop.

According to my outside actions, it may not look like I’m striving, but OH! My mind is running. My thoughts are racing. I feel desperate to figure IT out.

To figure WHAT out?

Everything.

Who am I in light of the life experiences I have gone through in the past few years?

What is my purpose amidst a world that has more suffering than I realized?

What little steps can I take to make myself a more balanced, understanding, and wise person?

How can I prepare myself, set myself up, for God’s will in my life?

What the heck IS God’s will in my life?

How do I rid myself of the spiritual pride that I thought was finally gone and I keep rediscovering?

How? Why? What? Where? When? REPEAT.

When I can barely fall asleep from these (and other) thoughts racing through my brain at lightening speed, and when I wake up from a restless night of sleep only to find that my “sleeping” brain was still running all night and when I am once again going the through the motions of the morning aware that my brain is still on full-speed ahead mode, I become exhausted emotionally.

Why can’t I just “Be Still and Know that He is God?” That’s sounds nearly impossible.

However, I think I have an inkling of what the root of all this is.

Could it be my spiritual pride? Could it be that I consider myself relatively important? Because one thing I DID realize yesterday is that my mental state right now isn’t exactly giving the impression of a person who is saying, “I must decrease that He must increase (John 3:30)”

I feel like all the striving in my thoughts keeps putting the focus back on me, Me, ME!

I talked over the phone with my friend yesterday and after our conversation she sent me a text urging me to sit down in the Word for at least 5 minutes and meditate on Psalm 103.

I actually did. And it actually helped.

“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name!”

Oh, how I hope that THAT verse becomes my heartbeat and the meditation of my mind. But I know I can't do this alone and in my own strength.

Left alone, I strive. In fellowship, I am encouraged back to meditation on God's Word.

Perhaps that's why God created us for community.

Thank you, Lord, for friends that lead us back to Your Word and to Your Heart. My mind needs much renewing. I pray that you would surround me with encouragment to put my eyes back on YOU Jesus. To my heart back in Your Word. Thank you for Your patience, gentleness, and love.

My New Journal.

2010-09-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for spiral bound journals.

Spiral bound journals make me SO happy!

I KNEW I liked spiral bound journals better than regularly bound journals but last time I needed a journal the cutest design caught my eye while I was in line waiting to buy clothes at Ross. (You know, the bins where they snag you with last minute things you forgot you "needed" and you stare at it for so long while your in line that you get sucked into the good deal)

Anyways, I was standing in that line, saw the journal, LOVED the front cover, realized I only had a few pages left in my other journal, and I decided to buy it. Plus, it was SO cheap....it was too perfect!

Except for the fact that it wasn't spiral bound.

I knew that was going to be a problem. I argued with myself that it would be fine. I told myself that I would still write in it as much even though it wasn't a spiral. I would still carry it around and be excited to put my pen to paper whenever I had a spare minute. None of my habits would change despite the lack of a twirling siding.

But my gut had known better.

Not even a fourth of the way into this journal, and I no longer was picking it up. I was no longer carrying it with me. I seemed to have lost my zeal for journaling, for brainstorming, and for jotting out my prayers.

I started to try carrying it with me again but each time I did I still never used it. I just had no interest in writing while I had to keep one side of the journal from closing on me while I wrote (due to the lack of spiral binding of course...) I knew the journal wasn't going to be balanced on my lap as I wrote and I would be frustrated instead of relaxed.

So today, I broke down.

I usually have a serious rule that I don't start a new journal until I have filled up Every. Single. Page. of my old journal.

But today, I made an exception.

I bought a pack of two spiral bound journals for six bucks (even better than the deal on my last journal!) and I have already written three pages in the course of today!

It was SO lovely!

It laid flat on my desk because it could bend all the way.

I got the full use of the paper because the crease wasn't folding due to the regular binding.

I could hold it in my lap, ponder for a bit, and then jot down what came to my mind, with ease and comfort.

After today, I have hereby made a solemn vow that I will never again buy a journal that does not have spiral binding.

Not matter how tempting the cute front cover may be.....

You're Gonna Miss This.

2010-09-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, one of the members of our church life group was house-sitting for her sister and she offered to host our weekly gathering at her sister’s place.

So, [fifteen-minutes-too-late] Adam and I jumped in our super-clean [thanks Adam!!] Explorer and drove down to a city we haven’t been in for almost two years. It was the city where we started our married life together.

The house we met at that night was just a couple blocks away from our old church where we used to spend SO much of our time. It was also just a very short drive away from our first (and second) apartment.

So, after our life group ended, Adam and I decided to drive down to our apartment.

It was so weird.

We hadn’t been back to this area since we had moved into the town home we bought in November 2008. There just hadn’t really been any reason to go back.

Driving to our old apartments, we passed by the CVS that we would always stop at for daily necessities.

We passed the Brueggers Bagels that we always looked forward to eating at right before church on a Sunday morning. It was always two cheese jalapeno bagels for Adam and one try-something-new-every-time bagel for me.

We passed the El Pollo Loco, Rubys, Starbucks, Baja Fresh, and Rubios that we had eaten in so many times enjoying a date with one another or a time of fellowship with our friends from church.

We passed the park and movie theater where we had gone street witnessing with the group from church. And where we had played Frisbee and Smash-Ball on a summer night.

And then we entered our apartment complex. We drove in the same entrance we used to always use. First, we drove over to our one bedroom. Then we drove over to the other side of the complex to where we had our two bedroom.

Had it really been almost two years since we in that complex? Together, we talked and talked about details that we remembered.

Things we did in specific places.

Conversations we had and the exact locations we had them in.

Trips to the laundry room.

Driving around late at night trying to find a parking lot.

Carrying my piano up those stairs.

Remembering what our place looked like inside.

I didn’t know it then, but we were building memories.

I mean, I knew that one day I’d remember those days but, in that first year, I never really stopped to realize the preciousness of each day and the fact that I would cherish those memories in the future.

Back then, I was too focused on building.

Building our marriage. Building our relationships. Building and keeping up with all our activities. Getting ahead in school. Building for the future.

I never realized I would miss that time of life. I occasionally would tell myself I would. And I’d sing along in the car to the country song, “You’re Gonna Miss This” and remind myself to open my eyes a little more.

But I didn’t actually believe it.

Now I do.

But from that experience, this is what I have learned.

Cherish today.

Ok, so things aren’t perfect. I still have to finish painting my less-than-halfway painted walls. I still have to get my piano tuned. I still have to do this. And that. And this other thing. And that other thing.

That’s ok.

I’m gonna miss these days someday. I don’t realize it or think about it enough, but I am building memories NOW.

Our first year of marriage, I was just living. Every-day-daily-life living. And now, those daily-life-days are memories. Beautiful memories.

And my today will, someday, be a memory.

At this point of my post my parents are probably reading and smiling to themselves saying, “Finally, she is realizing this! Hopefully she is actually getting it!”

My parents know very well that I have a tendency to always look ahead to the next thing. Ever since I was a young child I wanted the next stage of life. When I was in junior high, I just wanted to get to high school so that I could prepare for college. Two years into college, I was married.

My mom has always said to me that I am her “April Child Dreaming of June.” (lyrics to a song about always dreaming of the next stage of life.)

I’m going to [try to] start allowing my mind to slow down. Maybe my pace of life won’t slow down. But I want to be more aware of soaking up my days and enjoying the little blessings and even the struggles that life is offering me today.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to write and journal about my daily experiences.

I want to steal those hidden moments to embrace it all.

Because tomorrow, today will be a memory.

This song below PERFECTLY describes me. Minus the arrival-of-children part. That is the one part of the song that hasn’t quite happened. Yet :-)

And, for all you who pretend you don’t like Country Music, this song is going to bring out the truth. After listening to this song, there is no denying that Country Music is awesome.

Distractions.

2010-09-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

How attached to technology are you?

I know I am VERY attached. My mind is constantly aware of where my phone is. My fingers are constantly pressing the text message icon on my phone. I am constantly wondering if I have a recent email or if anyone has updated their status on facebook.

Thanks to my iPhone, I can have instant access to satisfying my desire to KNOW.

Touch the little Facebook icon and BAM! I can follow the lives of all my family and friends.

Touch the little text message icon and BAM! I can see if I got any new messages that I wasn’t aware of when I walked away from my desk 5 minutes ago.

Touch the little email icon and BAM! I can see if I got a new email.

And if any of these features take more than 15 seconds to upload, I start getting a little frustrated.

Hello??? Don’t you know I want to see NOW???

Instant gratification. That is the mindset of the culture we live in.

I try to stay away from the mindset of instant gratification but I get sucked in so easily. It is very easy for me to adapt to technology that gives me answers faster and faster but it is much harder to adapt when, for some reason, I can’t get those answers right away.

---------------

I was having some quiet time with the Lord after work. I was in our spare bedroom, where the sunlight wasn’t blaring in brightly, and just enjoying stilling my heart before Him. By habit, my hands reached for the cell phone laying at my side I checked my email. I sent a text message. I answered the text that I received in return.

Ok….time to get back to my quiet time. I lay on the futon for a few minutes, eyes closed, praying. When I opened my eyes to read the Word, I saw it. My cell phone was still next to me in the same spot I left it. I reached for it AGAIN! What can I do now that I haven’t done 5 minutes ago???

I picked it up but realized [thankfully] that it was NOT necessary to unlock the screen. I laid it under the futon and enjoyed the rest of my quiet time distraction free. Out of sight, [sorta]out of mind.

I don’t want to technology to control me. I don’t want it to control my actions. I don’t want it to consume my thoughts.

What do you think about technology and it’s addictive powers?

Priorities.

2010-08-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

There is a lot on my mind.

There is so much on my heart.

But as I sit at these keys, I’m unable to type what I thought would so easily flow.

So I won’t force it.

I’ll simply share where my heart has landed amidst all my processing tonight.

Three simple lines:

There are some things that matter.

There are some things that don’t matter.

Sometimes death, or the possibility of death, has its way of revealing the difference.

Growing Pains.

2010-08-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

When I was about nine I had bad growing pains in my legs.

My legs were growing really fast and my body was having a hard time keeping up with the rate of growth.

For awhile, it seemed like my young body was literally two-thirds legs and one-thirds torso. A little awkward. And painful.

There was nothing I could do to stop the growing. It was a good and necessary development. But it in that season, it just kept growing and growing and growing and then when the pain got overwhelming and I couldn’t escape my body, I’d lay on the cool sheets on top of my white, IKEA bunk-desk bed, and just cry.

That’s sort of how I feel in life right now.

For the past few years of my life, I have been growing and growing and growing. It seems that I haven’t even finished absorbing the first lesson before the second and third and forty-seventh start pushing at my heart.

My eyes never stop observing and my heart never stops feeling. Even when I try to make them stop. I am constantly aware of the lessons life is teaching me. I am constantly processing the experiences surrounding me and involving me.

I love processing. I really enjoy learning lessons. And although it can hurt, I don’t mind that much when my eyes are opened about my flaws and I’m the one that has to change.

But the fact that I haven’t taken a breather from new lessons for lots of years keeps catching up with me. There are times when it's overwhelming.

Sometimes it’s painful, like my leg-growing pains. There are times when I can’t get away from it and it hurts and I just have to cry. How can I reconcile all these new ideas? How can I know what truth is if I was sure something was true and I find out it's not? How can I trust when trust has been broken?

But sometimes, this process is glorious! Everything I am constantly learning is showing me more of who Jesus really is and there are times when I feel it all bubbling up inside me. I can feel my joy and gratefulness growing deeper and deeper inside me.

And just when it seems I couldn’t take more joy, I’ll see something beautiful, like when I'm driving down the freeway and beholding a gorgeous evening sky with puffy pink-and purple-hued clouds and the sun behind it all illuminating the colors and streaming out beyond the edges. Those are the moments when my tears again pour out and spill down past the biggest smile my lips can form.

Maybe this is how life will always be as an adult. It’s been my only experience of adult-life so far. Perhaps I will get more and more used to these constant growing pains.

But I wouldn't rather trade the lessons and the joy and the deep satisfaction when God finally illuminates the answers for anything, despite all the pain involved.

Has God been expanding anything in your heart lately? Do you ever feel overwhelmed with observations and lesson-learning in life?

She's Not Impressed.

2010-08-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

With my blue, plastic cup in hand, I walk down the long aisle past all the grey cubicles and head towards the break room.

Outwardly, it looks like I am just thirsty and want some more water. And that is partly true. Inwardly, however, I am processing.

As I walk the long hallway, I am thinking about a recent conversation I had with an old friend and I am trying to figure out why the remembrance of that conversation is sweeping over me with a feeling of total satisfaction and rest.

I open the door to the break room and I smile at the lady eating her salad. I glance over at the group of people making small talk at the far table.

I head across the room to the water cooler and I can feel my inner self getting closer and closer to understanding the source of my satisfaction.

I position my cup under the water nozzle and tip the black-colored lever down. I watch as the water flows into my cup.

As the cup gets to be about halfway full, it comes to me.

Resolution! I finally know why I feel so satisfied in remembering my time with my friend.

It was because….

She wasn’t impressed by me.

What? I was surprised to realize that this was the reason for my satisfaction.

It’s true, I thought. She doesn’t seem impressed by me. She doesn’t think I’m oh-so-holy and she doesn’t want to be just like me. Okay.

But she LIKES me. She likes me for who I am. She enjoyed our time together just as much as I enjoyed it.

I don’t feel the need to try to impress her in the next facebook message I send her. Or in my actions the next time I see her.

I can just be me.

No pressure to please. No expectations to fulfill.

Just mutual enjoyment of one another. Admiration for one another. Receiving from each other.

Walking out of the office and heading towards a break room table outside. Sitting under some beautiful trees and sipping my water.

Relaxed.

Content.

Satisfied.

An hour of work left to go and then the weekend is mine to enjoy.

I’m starting the weekend off tonight by meeting a friend of my husband’s and his wife over dinner.

And now, after my afternoon epiphany, I am much more excited to meet these new friends than I was earlier because now I know I don’t have to go to impress.

I just have to go and enjoy.

So to my friend: Thank You!

Where will Willingness Lead?

2010-08-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

God is realigning my heart.

I know it is Him because my human heart does NOT naturally think the thoughts I have been beginning to think in the past few days.

My heart has been revisiting the concept of willingness to literally go where God sends me. Whether He is sending me across the room to apologize to my husband, or whether He is sending me to Uganda to hold 3 little children in my lap, I want to be willing to go.

I really do not know where God will take me in my life. Honestly.

I am not writing this post with any clue or hint of where I might be going in order to follow God’s will. (And to my family who reads this blog…NO. This is not my indirect way of telling you I am moving to Africa. :-)

Part of the reason that my heart closes off to being willing to “give up my life” to follow Jesus is that I want to LIVE! I want to live, and thrive, and flourish! If I give God a willing heart, what if He makes me sacrifice all that I hold dear?

My husband said something so powerful to me the other night. He said, “The reason it is hard is because we were created to thrive. We were created to live! But we aren’t home yet…real life hasn’t even begun.”

Jesus said, “He who seeks to gain his life, will lose it. But he who loses his life, will find it.”

What if I was willing to give all my desires, my dreams, and my securities for God to rearrange as He desired? What if my life looks nothing like I originally intended it to look?

Guess what?!

I have ETERNITY to live!

Think about it.

Eternity in Perfection.

No sin, no pain, no separation from love.

Think about this ratio: Giving up six months of your life here on earth in order to live 75 years of doing exactly what you want to do. Wouldn't 75 years be well worth the six months of sacrifice?

Now think of 90 years compared to 1 million years. Compare 90 years to 1 billion years. To a trillion. To FOREVER..............

I know. My mind can’t wrap around it either.

Do you believe this???

Do you believe that you will live forever in the perfect presence of your Savior?

Are you living like you believe it?

Or are you living like this life is all you’ve got?

I am asking myself the same questions.

But I know Jesus has more for us. I know He has more for me.

I’ll be honest. I’m a little scared to start heading down the road of opening my heart to complete willingness.

But even more than scared, I’m excited.

Why?

His Love, the entire essence of who He is, is too entrancing for me to ignore.

Next time you are in church and the song "I Surrender All" starts to play, ask your heart if you really mean the words you are allowing your voice to sing. I will do the same. I promise.

"All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all."

When the Truth Hurts.

2010-08-23T15:26:00.001-07:00

Are you willing to listen when someone tells you some ugly truth about youself?

I’m not talking about just sitting there and taking it when someone is simply discouraging you, or guilt-tripping you, with a lack of truth.

What I mean is, are you willing to listen when someone has been honestly hurt by you? Are you willing to receive when someone lovingly, maybe quite firmly, points out something negative about your character?

Do your ears shut off when something negative is said about you? Does your heart harden when someone shows you a flaw about yourself?

You know that they are revealing something about you that is rooted in truth.

You know what they are saying is true.

You know you were wrong.

What is your response?

Anger and defense?

Haughtiness and cold silence?

An instant attack on the other person's sins?

Or could it be.....Humility? Perhaps a soft opening of your heart and a willingness to hear how you may have hurt or wronged others? An admittance of the truth of your faults?

This is not an easy one for me. But I have experienced it recently, so it is fresh on my heart.

A few days ago, my husband and I had a difficult conversation. I came prepared to share what was on my heart but the conversation took a turn I hadn’t expected. And it was a necessary turn.

My husband, gently, but firmly, talked to me of a character flaw he has noticed in me. And it's a biggie. And from all the information he knows of me and all that he has been able to observe in our relationship, he logically deducted where this character trait could lead. He talked about how it could affect me as an individual and how it could affect our marriage. He shared this with me in love.

I didn’t like his observations. Or his deductions.

I hated it because what he was saying was true.

And as I was listening, I KNEW it was true.

Ouch. MAJOR ouch.

It hurts to have your eyes opened about yourself. But it is better to know your sin so that you can allow the Lord to heal and change you rather than just getting angry and creating a harder heart within yourself.

I didn’t admit to my husband that night that he was right. I didn’t tell him that I had listened and I was really thinking about his words. I took more of the “haughtiness and cold silence” approach (another character flaw of mine) that evening.

The next day, however, I was able to call him and tell him I was thinking about what he had said. Willingness. Step one.

I started letting my mind admit to myself that he was right. Admittance. Step two. I honestly thought about the examples he gave and I saw a pattern emerging right before the very eyes of my mind. Gosh, he was RIGHT!

Step 3. Confession. I confessed to him that he was right.

But it CAN’T STOP there! What are we going to do about things that are brought to our attention? Do we just sit and think, “Wow, that’s not good. That’s really not good. Bummer.” Or.....do we take steps to heal and to change?

I am now merging into Step 4. Repentance and Healing. This will take the longest because healing takes time and hard work.

This event in my life just happened. Hot off the press. So I'm definitely no expert. I'm just hoping that my heart stays soft. I'm also hoping that it gets a lot softer.

I say I want a humble heart but am I willing to walk with humble actions? I can't have one without the other.

What about you? How do you react when someone tells you something you need, but don't want, to hear?

Redemption.

2010-08-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, one of my absolute favorite bloggers, Sarah Markley, publicly shared on her blog the story of how her marriage was completely broken and then completely restored.

Her honesty and willingness to share such personal details and emotions has not only blessed me but also so many other readers who are refreshed by her openness and find hope in her healing.

Today, she posted a video clip that CBN did of the story of her marriage.

It is SO worth 7 minutes of your time.

Click on the link below and be amazed at the glorious ability for God to bring restoration to two surrendered and broken hearts.

Video Clip

Forgiveness is like Killing a Spider DEAD.

2010-08-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

One morning about a month ago, at approximately 5:19 in the morning, I sat down with my freshly poured cup of coffee ready to start my morning devotions before getting dressed for my day at work.

I set my coffee on the side table, cross my legs on the couch, put a pillow in my lap, put my Bible on the pillow, and pick up my coffee.

Ready.

Then I see it. A big, brown, thick legged spider sitting on the wall above the window directly across from me.

Awesome.

I HATE spiders. My husband and I live on a hill with a good amount of nature around us and these horrid things seem to find every which way to crawl into our house. One would think that I would have gotten used to the appearances of this scary, little creatures since I moved into this house but it has really only increased my fear of them. And my utter detest.

So I watch the creature. I keep one eye on it, keeping track of its location, as I sip my coffee. I need to fuel my body and turn up my energy if I’m gonna kill this thing.

Then it starts moving. My eyes follow.

It starts crawling on the ceiling and stops right above my coffee table.

Perfect.

I grab lots of tissue paper, stand on the coffee table at the perfect angle to not be directly under the spider but enough to let my hand have the perfect amount of leverage to kill it dead on.

I brace myself. I count to three under my breath. Then I shoot up my hand as hard as I can, squish the paper against the ceiling with all my might, and then jump away as fast as possible.

It was a sure shot.

I tip-toe over to the paper. I gently turn it over so I can see the dead spider.

Only, the dead spider wasn’t there. Or anywhere.

There was no sign of a spider, dead OR alive, anywhere.

Great.

So, somewhere in my living room, this thing is still creeping about.

“Oh well,” I thought. “Live and let live.” (basically, I was too tired to try again, and I really wanted some devotional time before work. Plus…I still needed to drink the rest of my coffee.)

So, after getting back into position (pillow on my lap, Bible on my pillow),
I started to read my Bible and sip my coffee. I was nice and calm.

WHEN. ALL. OF. A. SUDDEN….

The Spider appeared OUT OF NO WHERE on the arm of the couch right next to me, less than 12 inches from my hand!!

I stand up, almost screaming, my Bible falls from my lap, and my coffee spills over my hand and the couch blanket.

I was NOT gonna let it get away this time. I couldn’t handle the fear of knowing it was around and could, at any moment, appear and scare me half-to-death again!

I cornered it. And killed it. With a remote control.

End of the spider.

----------

Now onto forgiveness. And how it is like killing that spider.

When I was at the Beth Moore conference over a month ago, one of the (many) things that she said which struck me to my core was this,

“You cannot forgive just enough until some of the pressure is released and you can simply manage or endure. You must forgive ALL the way and go through the whole process of forgiveness so that you don’t have to keep dealing with that same issue popping up again and again in your heart.”

Do you sorta see how that was like the spider?

Ok, I will explain.

~I saw the spider on the wall.
~This is like becoming aware of an issue I needed to forgive.

~I watched the spider on the wall. I couldn’t rest until I killed it and knew that it wouldn’t hurt me.
~This is similar to how it feels when you are stewing in unforgiveness but you haven’t taken the steps to actually move forward and forgive.

~I got up to kill the spider. The spider got away, but at least I couldn’t see it anymore.
~This is like making those first moves towards forgiveness. And those first acts of the forgiveness process can really release the pressure. But just like the spider that got away, the issue is still there.

~The spider came back. The scare was worse the second time.
Because the spider wasn’t completely killed the first time, it was able to come back and do more emotional damage.
~That is how it is when we just go down the process of forgiveness “enough” instead of all the way. That issue, or issues, will keep coming back and will keep tearing at your heart until you roll up your sleeves to do ALL of the hard work and walk down the end of the forgiveness road.

----------

I am struggling with forgiveness. As in, struggling, present tense.

I am struggling with forgiving certain people. Certain life circumstances. And sometimes, myself.

And I am finding myself in different stages of the forgiveness process in each item that I need to forgive.

I’ve been thinking about this concept for a while now (spider included). But I wrote this today because I need to stop just thinking and start making some progress towards actual forgiveness.

Because that is where the healing comes.

What about YOU?

Writing REAL.

2010-08-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

The past couple days I have attempted writing blog posts.

Obviously, those were failed attempts as nothing actually made it through to the final “Submit” button.

It has been quite the past week-and-a-half for me. Lots of life activities that don’t normally take place in my regular routine. Lots of motion combined with lots of relaxing. Lots of positive and also some negative. But mainly – lots of DIFFERENT.

And “different” always causes my brain to run a little slower until it is finished processing all the observations, activities, lessons, conversations, etc…

Anyways, in the midst of this “processing” state of my brain, I tried to write a couple posts. But they turned out to be fluff. Not like cotton-candy-fun-to-read-and-enjoy fluff but more like take-a-bite-out-of-the-chocolate-bunny-only-to-find-out-it’s-hollow-on-the-inside sort of fluff.

Not that I don’t like hollow chocolate bunnies. Because I do.

The point is, I was trying to write something of depth and it was coming out hollow. Empty.

Why?

Because my heart didn’t really believe what I was attempting to write. I was trying to make a point that I am still wrestling with internally. To post my attempted writings would have been an act of fake-ness and would have rung hollow because it is not a true representation of what is actually in my heart. Like I have said here, my heart is full of more questions than it is answers.

When I started this blog, I determined to only write from an honest heart. An authentic heart. And, if there’s some days when I can’t actually hit the submit button and post because I can’t write from that type of heart, then I will wait to write until I can.

Because I would so much rather read and write something REAL.

Wouldn’t you?

Learning to Sit Back.

2010-08-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to sit back; just to sit back and let someone else do the work.

More specifically, I am learning to let Him do the work.

Him being my Redeemer, My Lord, My Lover, My Father, My Provider, My Deliverer.

Yes, that would be Jesus.

I am learning to let Jesus have His timing with my heart. When I try to conjure up change, it doesn't stick. When I try to conjure up an emotional spiritual experience, it falls flat at the end. When I try and try and try, I just seem to get tired.

But right now, I know He is working in my heart. And this time, rather than asking and asking Him what He is doing, or rather than taking the tools out of His hands and trying to finish the job myself, I am going to try to just sit back and notice.

Notice the changes He is making.

Notice the state of my heart.

Notice what jumps out at me as I read His Word.

I want the work that is being done in me to be done by my Lord and not by my flesh. So, instead of thinking of all these ways that I can draw closer to God, I think I am just going to make myself more and more available to following His leading. Making time to be in the Word, yes. Spending time in prayer, yes. But doing these things out of love and not out of a striving heart.

I think I will just, "Be still, and know that HE is God."

Time to Say Goodbye.

2010-08-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

My wedding anniversary isn’t the only anniversary I am experiencing this week.

This week also happens to contain the anniversary day of when my first baby was taken from my womb and delivered to the arms of Jesus.

August 6th, 2009, I was sitting in the doctor’s office with my mom.

We knew something was very wrong because the nurse wasn’t finding what she should have seen on the screen of the ultrasound. My mom and I sat there, trying to smile in the sterile, off-white room and talk about anything other than the news that I was waiting to hear. I could tell by my mom’s gentle and carefully chosen words that I should be expecting the worst. But I didn’t want to believe it until I heard the final answer from the doctor.

As I tried [and failed] to occupy my mind, all I could hear was the music from the radio floating above me. The song, “Time to say Goodbye,” was pouring out of the speakers in a rich, orchestral arrangement. Although this version was only instrumental, I knew the words of the song by heart and as I heard the stirring, melancholy melody of the violins crescendo, it felt like the music entered my soul and swirled around me like gust of purposeful wind.

And then that wind drifted away….

And the doctor walked in.

But my heart already knew.

I remember all the details from that day. Every reaction, every location, every feeling.

But as I write, those details are having a hard time coming out onto the page. Perhaps I’m too afraid to look at those precious details in black and white. Perhaps I am worried that no one will understand the weight and importance of each specific memory. Or perhaps my heart just wants to hold onto the preciousness of those secrets for a little while longer.

These details are too painfully beautiful to me. Too important. I’m not ready for these memories to lose their depth by typing them onto a flat page. Perhaps someday I will be skilled enough to communicate those memories in a way that does justice to their value.

But for today, I will simply remember.

Doing the Same Things. Differently.

2010-08-05T01:00:00.001-07:00

Before this week started, Adam and I had a fun using the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.

In two days, we did all the same things we love to do including:

Starbucks.

Laguna Beach.

Disneyland.

Dinner.

Movie.

But this time, we did these things differently.

We didn't mean to throw a twist on our plans, but it just seemed to be the flavor of the weekend.

As we were headed towards the water for our romantic walk along the coast, the Laguna Beach Trolley pulled up right next to us and we thought, "Hey, why not?"

So we hopped on! We headed down the south side of PCH, enjoying the trolley ride, observing people, pointing out different things that we hadn't before observed. The ride back up the coast was especially fun as loads more people hopped on the trolley after a-few-too-many drinks and all crowded in together. Interesting people watching for sure.

The next day at Disneyland started normally. Space Mountain. Matterhorn.
But then, I got an itch to explore. And, as a annual passholder, I could explore without guilt of not doing all the normal stuff! I had never been on the Mark Twain Steamboat, so we road it. It had been years since I had been on the island, so we rode the ferry over and explored the caves and crossed the bridges. It was so fun to see such a familiar place in a whole new light.

Then we went out to dinner. We had received an anniversary card. And, instead of a gift certificate to a specific place, it contained money. So, we had our complete choice of where we wanted to eat. Normally, on an occasion such as an anniversary, I would choose a place along the lines of Macaroni Grill, Cheesecake Factory, or El Torrito Grill. But, to fit the flavor of our weekend, we went for the full-of-fun option and went to Red Robin! So much fun.

We ended the weekend enjoying ice cream and cake while watching the movie Pilgrim's Progress.

What made the weekend perfect was not about how fancy the celebrations were, or how many activities we were able to fit in, or about the plans that changed as we went along. It was about being together. Listening to each other's desires and going along with it. Paying attention to what was making the other person happy.

It was perfect :-)

Three Years!!!

2010-08-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I have been married three years!

Three years ago, I was getting my make-up done by my mom, having my mom's best friend do my hair and all my sister's hair, and I almost didn't get to my wedding on time! It had something to do with a car breaking down with my best friend, most of the bridesmaids (my sisters) and the bride (me) in the car. That fiasco included nice men at the gas station helping us fix my friends car while my husband-to-be raced down the freeway 40 miles away to save me from the "evil" man with the chocolate milk. (who my friend and I still think was an angel in disguise.)

Point is, I made it (although a little late) to the little, old-fashioned church in Orange, Ca.

There is so much to say about that wonderful morning three years ago. It would take more than quite-a-few posts to fully describe all that I experienced and remember from that day.

But here are a few things I am thinking about today:

The feeling I had when I heard the music start to play for me to walk down the isle. That feeling was SO incredible and quite too impossible to describe. During my walk down the isle, it felt like time literally slowed down for me so that I could absorb every face, every emotion, every tear, every smile, and every flutter inside my heart. It. Was. Wonderful.

Walking out of the church with my new husband and realizing we had absolutely no clue what to do next. We hadn't rehearsed that part! So we just stood there watching everyone come out of the church until we were wisked away to go sign our marriage license.

Dancing with my dad. I had always looked forward to that and it was so special.
Watching Adam dance with his mom and realizing "that man is my HUSBAND!"
And, of course, dancing with Adam, as his wife.

Leaving our reception, and being so hungry that we pulled through the Burger King drive through down the street still dressed in the tux and wedding dress. Too bad we didn't realize that there was SO much delicious chicken left over at the reception.

Being stuck in traffic on our way to San Diego and getting TONS of honks because of our Just Married flags.

Getting to our hotel in San Diego and......enjoying ourselves. ;-) Room service was AWESOME! My honeymoon is where I learned to love eggs benedict and where I first got to enjoy Adam's awesome jet-ski skills.

Yay for Marriage!

What, if you are married, are some of your favorite memories from your wedding day? Or, if you aren't married, what are you looking forward to the most?

Three Years Ago Today. My LAST day of singleness.

2010-08-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

This is the fourth post of the LASTS series.
For the first post, click here.
For the second post, click here.
For the third post, click here.

Three years ago today, I was single.

Well, I had a fiance. But my name was still Heidi Choate - unmarried. And for all practical purposes, I could have remained Heidi Choate for a longer period of time with the legal right to do so.

But there was no way this girl was gonna wait another day to marry Adam Mark Stephen.

Three years ago today, I wasn't focused on the "last"-ness of that day. I wasn't really thinking of how it was my last day to bear the name Choate. I don't remember thinking too much of what I wouldn't be able to do since it was the last day of my singleness. I didn't have any anxious thoughts about how it was the last day of being a virgin. I didn't have any unwavering thoughts about how it was the last day for me to consider all my "choices" of men out there in the world.

None of that was on my mind.

All I could really think of were the FIRSTS up ahead.

That night was the first night I was finally able to give my husband-to-be a box of letters that I had prayed over and written to him for years before I even knew who he was.

That night was the first night I was able to practice saying my vows.

That night, all I could think about was how the next day, for the first time, I was going to fully give myself - heart, body, and soul - to one man. For the rest.of.my.life.

And as I lay with curlers in my hair in my old bedroom in my parents house for one last time as an unmarried woman, I fell asleep with full peace of what my day of firsts would bring.

On that LAST day, August 3rd, 2007, I thought I knew what it was to be in love. But I learned on my day of FIRSTS, August 4th 2007, how much more it was possible for my heart to love. And my heart has been learning ever since.

As I look back on my last day before I said "I do," it seems like the love I had in my heart for my fiance was a only a crush in comparison to the love I now have in my heart for my husband after three-years-minus-one-day of marriage.

And I am so grateful that this journey gets to continue. Grateful that I get to keep learning to love. Grateful that I get to keep learning how to be loved.

I am so happy that I get to love you, Adam Stephen. Thank you for almost-three wonderful years!!!

Heidi-at-Twenty-Three

2010-07-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I miss Heidi-at-twenty.

Heidi-at-twenty knew much more than Heidi-at-twenty-three.

Heidi-at-twenty knew what she stood for and why. She had strong opinions and she had answers to questions. She was good at coloring her world in black-and-white. She was especially good at knowing how to read the Bible and guide her life by it. Heidi-at-twenty knew how to have a relationship with Jesus.

But Heidi-at-twenty-three is different. Heidi-at-twenty-three has been doing some dangerous things.

Heidi-at-twenty-three has been listening intently to many women’s stories. She has been reading raw and honest writings about people’s life experiences. She has been observing individuals in her life undergo heartache and struggle. She has literally watched loved ones pass away from temporal life into eternal life. She has experienced certain types of pain that she hadn’t planned on experiencing.

Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers.

Heidi-at-twenty-three is unsure how all the new colors she has discovered are supposed to fit into a previously black-and-white frame.

She is asking questions of God’s character. She is wondering how an abundant relationship with Him works.

She has questions.

And when Heidi-at-twenty-three goes back to ask Heidi-at-twenty those questions, Heidi-at-twenty is able to give answers.

But somehow, Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t think those answers are quite right. She may not yet know the answers herself, but she has a stirring feeling that the answers cannot be contained in the simple sentences that Heidi-at-twenty gives.

And when I realize that those answers are no longer satisfactory, I don’t think I really miss Heidi-at-twenty so much. In fact, I believe I am beginning to really enjoy Heidi-at-twenty-three.

I am discovering that it is okay that Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers. I sort of like the way she is willing to listen to other people’s perspectives and stay open to maybe even changing her mind. I’m getting used to the fact that her compassionate heart often hurts these days as she keeps exposing herself to reality.

But what I like the most about Heidi-at-twenty-three is that she has learned that she doesn’t have to understand everything about Jesus in order to trust Him and in order to follow Him.

And as long as she keeps believing THAT, then I think Heidi-at-twenty-three and I will get along just fine.

This Side of the Give-and-Take-Away Line

2010-07-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

I was doing good.

I was adjusting to what God has allowed in my life. I was adjusting to what He had allowed to be taken away. I was getting ready to roll up my sleeves for what is to come. And, I was actually getting excited for the direction I am headed.

And THEN….

…I read a facebook status. (those things are awesome, aren’t they?) It was written by an old friend from my high school church youth group.

After I read that status I was, all of a sudden, NOT okay anymore.

All at once, all of my desires were thrown in my face from someone who has (seemingly) exactly what I want and what I almost had.

Jealousy instantly threw itself over me and covered me like a dark, thick blanket.

Suffocating.

Heavy.

Blinding.

“Why did you take MY baby away and allow her to keep hers?” “Why does she get this lifestyle and not ME?”

Normally, I’m not a super jealous person. I do struggle with it sometimes, though. And I definitely have a struggle with comparing myself to others. This time, the jealousy hit HARD.

This July, I have been remembering last July. Last July was a month of joy. It was a month of pregnancy. It was a month of the promise of the life of which I have dreamed. Motherhood.

August 8th, 2009, that dream was stolen from me. I don’t know when it will be returned.

I am happy for my old friend. But my heart hurts for myself.

The thing is, I don’t want it to. I really just want my heart to focus on how God is teaching me, molding me, going to use me, blessing me, walking with me, etc, etc, etc….

I’m gonna have to ask the Lord for a little more help on this one right now.

I didn’t expect life to be fair. I guess I just didn’t expect to be on this end of the give-and-take-away line.

It’s hard watching people live on the “give” side of the line when you’re on the “take-away” side of the line.

Hmmmm…perhaps I should limit the amount of facebook statuses I read? :-)

Forgive my wandering eyes, Lord. Help me not to be like Peter when he asked, “Lord, what about him?” and You answered, “…what concern is that of yours? You follow Me.” Please give me that heart with eyes only focused on following You. Help me to accept what You allow in my life and help me to not become bitter when You take away.

What about YOU? Do you ever struggle with jealously when someone else has something you desire?

Lasts and Firsts (with my sister)

2010-07-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

Part Three of the LASTS series.
For Part One, click here.
For Part Two, click here.

I sat down for my thirteen-(almost fourteen)-year-old sister’s performance of the musical “Honk!” in which she was playing the lead role of the mother duck Ida. I casually perused through the program and started reading the bio’s of all the cast members. Then I got to my sister’s bio and I almost stopped breathing. Then I started crying.

9th grader? She’s described as a 9th grader?

You see for me, talking about an idea sometimes holds less impact than seeing the raw facts written on paper. And here it was, in print, the truth that my little sister is now a 9th grader. A high-schooler. She may not yet have experienced her first day of high school but she graduated from the 8th grade a month ago. She knows what choirs she will be singing in next year. And she has her class schedule all figured out. Yes, she is a 9th grader.

Usually, at least for me, a first is easier than a last. You know, the last of something usually holds such finality with no going back and it makes you want to hold on and remember every memory you possibly can. On the other hand, a first is full of such promise with a blank slate for the memories to decorate one-by-one. There is (usually) less to grieve with a “first” because it the start -not the ending- of something.

But this time is different. This time the last is much easier than the first.

The last, Chrissy’s eight grade graduation, wasn’t that hard for me. Yes, I was sentimental. I was beaming with pride to see how gorgeous she looked. I was proud to hear her sing the national anthem to start the ceremony. It all felt right. She seemed so ready. She had fit a lot into her 3-year junior high experience and it just seemed like she was ready for the next chapter.

But this first! This first day of high school, this first day of freshman year, this first of such a new season for her - this first is what is catching my throat even still.

In this big first of my sister’s life, I am experiencing again how pain is such big part of love.

The pain of letting go, the pain of selfishly desiring her to stay young so I can always have her as my “little” sister, the pain of being proud and having my heart hurt and my eyes fill with tears because she is developing with so much talent and inner and outer beauty.

It just hurts.

It *almost* makes me afraid of someday being a mom because if this is how I feel about my younger sister, I don’t know WHAT I am going to do when I go through these experiences with my own children!

As I let go and embrace this new season in my sister’s life, I am excited to see what these next four years will bring for her. I am so grateful that she loves Jesus and that she proudly expresses a desire to continually grow in her relationship with Him.

I can’t wait to see what beautiful things she will do and what beautiful things will be created inside her.

Thank you, Lord, for this new season. Thank you for all the joy it has brought me to be a part of my sister’s life from the day she was born. Thank you for who you have crafted her to be and please give me peace and joy knowing that it is You that is molding her, walking with her, and protecting her. Thank you for my sister.

What about YOU? Is there anything you are having a hard time letting go of?

The Last Day. Of Freshman Year.

2010-07-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

Part Two of the "Lasts" series.
For Part One click here.

Freshman year of college at Chapman University was magical. Magical.

There was hard stuff for sure, some intensely hard stuff actually, but that’s not what I remember when I think of the phrase “freshman year.”

To me, the phrase “freshman year” is defined by fellowship, a constantly available shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. I think of it as free time filled up by prayers in the hallway, group walks over to the cafeteria for breakfast and lunch and dinner. A year of Christian girls all placed by God on one magical floor - 4th floor Pralle - all devoted to Jesus and a pure lifestyle.

And a room friend I will never forget. Three weeks into the first semester, we hadn’t really talked too in depth. I mean, we lived together and we liked each other, but hadn’t yet gotten past the superficial. And then one day (I don’t remember how it happened) she and I had our first heart-to-heart. We talked about how hard the transition into college was. We talked about the making of new friends. And that night, we decided to NOT be roommates. We decided to be room friends.

I loved living with her. I was a morning person. She was a night owl. We both liked our quiet space but we loved to share our hearts. We both wore a size 10 shoe. (ahem, still do) We were both listeners and encouragers so we both felt safe with each other to share and pray and cry. And oh, we could cry together. And be crazy. Who else would let me wake her up dancing like a mad woman to 80’s music?

Eventually, yet all too soon, the last week of school came. For the most part, we were all stoked! Summer was finally here!! But amidst the rush of finals and late-night, last-minute studying, there was a misty cloud of dread wisping over us. We all felt it. Freshman year is almost over. Will it be the same next year?

Last Day of school. Exhausted. One of the girls and I had a music history final which had robbed us of sanity for the few days leading up to it. We took the test, high-fived each other with as much energy as we could muster, grabbed some food in the caf, and ran to our rooms to finish our packing and clean them completely before we turned in our keys. When we were done all us girls were spending a beach weekend together. The faster we were done cleaning, the sooner vacation came!

My room friend and I cleaned our room together. We both planned on being back next year. Same floor, same room, same room friend. We zoomed around our room, sweat until we were dripping, and talked about the past year with smiles.

When we were done, we all met down in the parking garage to pile into the car and head to the beach. My room friend couldn't come that night because of a prior engagement and was going to meet us down there the next day.

I went to give her a hug. Like always. To say goodbye.

And then, it HIT me. It hit me hard and pierced me straight to my core.

It. Was. Over.

I held her and cried. We were going to live together again, what was the problem? I was going to spend time with all my girls at the beach relaxing instead of studying, why was I crying?

Perhaps my spirit knew before my mind did. But I instantly knew that nothing would be the same after this weekend.

----------

Changes came.

It ended up that my room friend and I couldn’t live together the next year. She was offered an RA position and was thrilled for the opportunity. And I was genuinely thrilled for her.

One of the girls felt called to go to Bible College and for the next year she was across the globe studying abroad.

Two of our girls left our circle of friends when they joined a sorority.

I met my husband that summer and was dating him all of sophomore year and married him the following summer.

We had different schedules sophomore year. And different rooms (except I did get the pleasure of living with another one of the girls whom I affectionately titled Room Cat).

When sophomore started, we were all a little sad. We were trying to recreate freshman year and it left us all frustrated. We had to learn to move on and embrace the season in front of us.

----------

Whenever it comes to remembrance, the last day of freshman year leaves me with a smile. It’s like the perfect, bittersweet ending of a lovely, heartwarming book. A happy ending without being syrupy sweet.

I mean, what’s a better way to end the book of “Freshman Year,” then the last paragraph being,

“I held my room friend tight, tears coming out of nowhere, my spirit knowing before my mind that things would never be the same. She squeezed me and told me she loved me and that she’d see me tomorrow. We locked eyes with our look of "knowing" and I smiled as a tear slipped down my cheek. With a full heart, I crawled into the car full of my girls, the ones who I had shared the countless precious moments of this precious year, and together we headed down the open highway, singing and laughing on the way to beach to celebrate our year.”

LASTS. Part one.

2010-07-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ever since yesterday, I have been thinking about LASTS.

Well, I think about "lasts" more often than just since yesterday, but I have been thinking about them in a more focused manner since reading the following post by one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah Markley.

"LASTS"

Go ahead, click on the link. It is a beautifully written post. You will love it.

So anyway, her post (which I'm sure you've read by now), has been making me think of all the "lasts" I have experienced and how some of them have been painfully beautiful, some of them have been difficult but necessary, and others were just hard.

In the next few days, I'll be describing more of my thoughts on some of my own "lasts".

Ending Day of Freshman Year...

Last weeks with Grandpa...

Last month and moments with Grandma...

Last Day of a beautiful month and a half of pregnancy...

Graduation Day for my (former) eight-grade sister...

....to name a few experiences.

So come back tomorrow, and together let's explore the concept of cherishing the "lasts" in our lives.

What about YOU? Are there any "lasts" that you have been thinking of with a smile or grieving over?

Part Two of the LASTS series, click here.
Part Three of the LASTS series, click here.
Part Four of the LASTS series, click here.

Daddy's Girl

2010-07-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

My husband and I were talking with a leader at our church today (yesterday, as you read this) after service and following at the edge of the leader’s heels was an adorable three-year-old daughter.

The whole time we were talking with him, I kept observing his daughter - all her cute antics, the way she would express her desires, and the fascination she had with the ants on the sidewalk. But what I observed the most was the way she trusted her daddy.

I first started paying more attention to her communication with her dad when I heard her call out for help on a cement stair step. “My daddy! My daddy!” she yelled. “That is so cute,” I thought.

My daddy, she said. Her daddy. She knew that HER daddy would come. That HER daddy would help her. That HER daddy would be there for her. She trusted HER daddy.

This little girl watched her daddy. She looked to see where he was when she would walk more than a few feet away. Can I still see my daddy? She called his name to get him to just give her a smile. Does my daddy notice me? She kept looking up at her daddy while he was praying and then kept closing her eyes again to do it like him. (Yes, I was peeking.)

And then, as she got tired, right there on the ant-trodden, dusty cement, she laid down at her daddy’s feet and used his tennis-shoe-covered-feet as a pillow.

I want to be like this little girl with my Abba Father, my Heavenly Daddy.

I want to call Him, My Daddy. I want to know that MY Daddy will come to me, and help me, and be there for me. I want to trust my Abba - MY Daddy.

I want to watch my daddy. I want to always make sure He can see me, I want to call on Him name often and know that He hears me, and I want to do what my Daddy does.

And when I’m tired and weary, I just want to curl up and lay at my Daddy’s feet, despite whatever is going on around me, and know that I am safe - because Abba Father is MY daddy.

Are you glad for a Heavenly Daddy in which you can place all your trust?

Ahhh, Friday!

2010-07-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

Don’t you LOVE Friday? Even if you don’t have a 9-5 job, there is still something so invigorating and relieving when Friday rolls around.

I’m looking forward to this weekend. Saturday and Sunday are booked up so I decided to keep Friday night nice and simple and have a quiet night at home.

Saturday is my 3rd annual trip to the Sawdust Festival in Laguna Beach with my mother-in-law and this year a new friend of the family is coming along. I’m looking forward to some yummy greek food, fun live music, and walking around in a bunch of sawdust looking at all the amazing art! (Some of my favorite art to admire is the ceramics pottery)

Sunday I am spending time with a dear friend from Chapman University (who also doubled as my roommate for a semester). I haven’t seen her in a couple years and she is in town from North Carolina! We are going to visit our favorite haunt from the Chapman days (which also happens to be my favorite beach) and head to Huntington Beach! H.B. has the free surf concerts going on July 18 from 11-5 and we planning on enjoying some of those groovy sounds! Fellowship, memories, laughter, prayers, and catching up are all on the agenda for my time with her.

But enough about me! What are YOUR plans for this weekend??

A Night at the Happiest Place on Earth.

2010-07-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Tall and handsome. Square brow, sympathetic eyes, and a clean haircut with gray starting to add dimension to his hair. Broad shoulders and a strong jaw. He was the embodiment of a total man, yet his face was softened by his gentle heart. The comfortable jeans and periwinkle sweatshirt with the huge Mickey Mouse on the front was external evidence of his strong and tender “daddy” love for the nine-year-old girl whose hand he was holding.

Thick blond hair and slender-formed frame. Beautiful tan skin and a flawless complexion. Graceful in her posture and in the movement of her hands. The tilt of her head and the expressions her eyes could hold may have been what had originally allured him to her. Her model-like figure was clothed in a gentle, black velour sweat suit and tennis shoes, her long hair hung loose adding gentle glamour to the casual outfit.

Amidst the rush of people, they stood facing each other. They seemed oblivious to the groups of teenagers racing to get into the lines before others did, or to the tired screaming children who had eaten too much sugar, or to the families splitting a couple bags of popcorn and fighting over who was getting more than their share. Their daughter, in between them, looked up as the two held each other’s gaze.

His eyes - tired, frustrated. Why can’t she see how much I have poured out all day? Why isn’t she happy with everything I have tried to do for her today?

Her eyes - wounded. Why doesn’t he understand what I’m trying to say? Why doesn’t he understand how much he is hurting me with his words?

His arms - moving in exasperated gestures. Why doesn’t she understand my logic? She is so emotional and she isn’t listening to me at all. Why doesn’t she hear that I am trying to make this work for everybody?

Her arms - crossed. I have to protect myself and stand up for myself. Should I be vulnerable with him? No, he is so selfish that he would only hurt me more. Why doesn’t he try to hear what my heart is trying to say?

His feet - walking away, his hand pulling his daughter with him. Fine, if she won’t listen and she refuses to cooperate, then I’m gonna leave her here and let my daughter enjoy the rest of this day. I’m the man. She can decide if she wants to follow me or not.

Her feet - firm and planted. I can’t follow him. It hurts to much to be near him when he is treating me like this. If I stand strong, maybe he will realize how he is treating me and then maybe he’ll hear me.

Now about fifteen feet away from her, he tensely turns around. He lets go of his daughter’s hand and walks a few feet back to her. She looks at him, hopeful on the inside but stoic on the outside. He looks at her face, and his frustration boils over. He raises his strong arm, points directly at her, and in a rush of intense frustration and disappointed anger he yells, “Good job on ruining the night!”

He stares at her intensely for a couple of very long seconds to purposely let the hurt of those words sink in. She holds his gaze and refuses to let her tear-filled eyes spill over. He shakes his head in frustration and returns to his daughter. As soon as he turns away, she lets the tears silently fall and catches them with her fingers before they cause her black mascara to leave evidence of her emotions all over her face.

He tells his daughter to “come on, let’s go.” The little girl looks back and forth between her mom and dad. Back and forth, back and forth, trying to know how to help them both. Trying to figure out which side to take. She doesn’t want to go with just daddy and leave mommy behind. But will daddy be mad if she stays with mommy?

He looks at his wife one last time…this time the anger replaced by tired pleading. She meets his gaze, then lowers her eyes instantly; but the pull is too strong. Without meeting his eyes, she starts to walk forward. He holds his daughter’s hand while she follows a foot behind and together, they silently head off to finish their night at the happiest place on earth.

This post was inspired while observing the crowd, and this specific family, while waiting for a friend in front of Space Mountain.

Deprived.

2010-07-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have been living with a deprivation of sleep.

I thought I had been getting enough. I’ve been going for a LONG time on 5-6 hours a night. But as I did research on sleep today, I realized that the average adult needs between 7-8 hours. And most adults who consistently get only 5-6 hours a day live with the effects of sleep deprivation.

Last night, it caught up with me. I sat on the couch, with a long list of chores running through my head, and within 20 minutes, I was asleep, and I didn’t wake up until 9:30. That was 5 ½ hours of sleep!

When my husband came home from class, I washed my face and crawled into bed and slept soundly until 5:30. That was another 6 hours of sleep!

That’s 11 ½ hours of sleep total! [this is why there was no blog post yesterday. I was asleep during the time I normally write my posts…]

And, (surprise!), I felt so much better today at work. I wasn’t as hungry as I was on Monday. I wasn’t fidgeting from a complete lack of focus and, as much as I was looking forward to being home, I wasn’t constantly looking at the clock to see if it was 3:30 yet.

I did some research today and found that I have literally been living with a deprivation of sleep. This leads to a decreased immunity system, a weakened chance for the body to heal itself at the cellular level, an increased appetite for refined carbs and sugars, and the inability to focus well.

So, I am going to start taking my sleep much more seriously. Before, I saw it as a necessary evil. Something that got in the way of all the stuff I want to do. I tried to get just as much as I thought I could scrape by on so I could enjoy and/or accomplish as much other stuff as possible. However, now that I know that it has purpose, I will no longer see it as a waste of time. It will actually contribute to accomplishing my goals.

Being on a journey to lose some weight, get fit, and be healthy, I now realize that sleep is just as important as my diet and exercise. It’s like the trinity of health - you can’t decide to just have two (at least, for optimal health.) I am hoping that as I seek to fulfill my need for sleep, my body will start feeling more energy for effective workouts and a less consuming desire for carbs to keep me going throughout the day.

Hmmm….no deeper lesson from all this today. Just the fact, I guess, that God designed our bodies to need rest. Don’t abuse it. Let’s take care of our temples (and realize it’s not selfish to do so!)

Letting Fruit Ripen.

2010-07-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to go to a Beth Moore conference this weekend with my mom and it. was. phenomenal.

Because of the conference, I did a lot of heavy thinking this weekend.

Processing. Listening. Soaking in and Writing out.

Through the experience, I observed many things, I was broken in a few different ways, I was spoken to in many areas through all the teaching, and my heart delighted in worship.

I could pick from a multitude of points that I learned this weekend to blog about. There are plenty of things of substance swirling around in my head that I could share.

But those thoughts are ripe yet.

Have you ever been so impacted by something and so excited about something you have learned and then immediately gone to share it with someone only to have it fall flat when you speak it out? I know I have done that and I hate the feeling that comes with it. When that happens, it is like those fresh and precious revelations immediately become old and faded when just the few moments before I shared them, they were brand new.

The seeds of some beautiful works of God have been planted in my heart this past weekend. Already, I can see some of the fruit starting to show the flowering buds. But that fruit needs sufficient time to grow until it is ready to be picked. It needs time to be watered by the Word, spend some time in the Son, and pull and receive nutrients from the roots of understanding.

So, while this fruit grows, I am going to follow the example of Mary in Luke 2:19 and ...."treasure up all these words, and ponder in [my] heart what they might mean."

What about YOU? Has God been planting any seeds in your heart lately? Can you feel as those seeds are growing into riper fruit? What stage of growth do you think your seeds are at?

July Rain

2010-07-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating all this July rainfall.

I love the summer. I love the sun, I like the heat and I love the beach. I like summer clothing and I love to feel free.

And the pleasure I find in summer has been constantly interrupted by many wet and gray days this past June and July.

As I was thinking, I came to a realization - obvious on the surface but deeper in meaning. I realized that: Some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world receive the most rain.

And as I thought about that concept, I pondered the state of my own heart.

My heart loves summer in the metaphorical sense. Sunshine, carefree days, freedom, and easy laughter. Easy. Fun. Pleasure.

But through the rain, comes growth. And through the rain, comes beauty.

The more rain, the greater the growth and the deeper the beauty.

This year, I have had a hard time not asking God “Why?” as it seems the rain has been continuing to fall on my heart. But as I look at pictures of His creation - of the lush rainforests and majestic waterfalls - I receive enough hope to keep on soaking up the rain that He allows in my life. Because - In His time, He makes all things beautiful. In His time.

Reality Hurts.

2010-07-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

My heart felt heavy today.

My body and mind were much better than yesterday thanks to more proactive nutrition and proper sleep (Like I said in yesterday's post, I promised to learn from my previous days mistakes)

But my heart was grieved. It was burdened.

I thought I knew why but I kept pushing that reason out of my mind.

Really, Heidi, a fictional movie? That was last night, it is early afternoon the next day! Those weren’t even real people or a factual story!

But there’s no getting around it. The movie was the reason for my heaviness of heart.

It wasn’t that I was wrapped up in the fictional storyline or characters of the movie. It was what the movie represented. Truth and Reality. While that specific story may not have happened, many many others just like it have.

Curiosity leading to devastation.

Stolen Innocence.

Lies.

Objectified Women.

Selfish desires and Lust.

I don’t want to believe that stuff is true. I don’t want to believe those hurts exist. I want to wish those pains away. Why? Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help.

When my eyes are opened like that, it makes my heart ache.

I know that part of this is the process of God showing me the hurts in the world. Showing me reality. It is something I want to run from but I can’t turn off real life like I can turn off a DVD.

Like I wrote about before, love is mixed with pain. I love people. I love that every person has inherent worth because they were created in the image of God. And I hate when that worth is unrightly and unjustly taken from them.

I pray that God will show me how to use my compassion in a useful way and I pray that I won't run if it hurts.

By the way, the movie was The Preacher’s Kid. Excellent movie, compelling story, and beautiful ending. In my opinion, though, a little too heavy for those under high school age.

Just What I Needed.

2010-07-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

Blame it on my poor night sleep, or my lack of a nutritious breakfast, or a slow day at work that left me with extra time on my hands. Blame it on what you will, but I was unsettled today.

Unpurposed and anxious. Restless and unfocused.

A short workout lifting weights over my lunch break helped my mind a little, but it also left me hungry for food that I hadn’t adequately packed. Therefore, a small Taco Bell trip consumed my afternoon break. However, the consumption of the fast food left me weighed down and further contributed to my unsettledness. Vicious cycle.

I was relieved when 3:30 hit the clock. I was anxious to get home and get some stuff done.

Still, I didn’t know how to give myself direction and motivation to accomplish the multitude of tasks that awaited me at home. I just simply wanted to GET home.

And when I got home and opened the door, before I could even set my bags down, a handsome man wearing a bold, blue shirt and tie that made his eyes sparkle, bounded up the stairs from his office and wrapped me in a welcome home hug and told me I was beautiful.

*Happy and contented sigh……*

The unsettled anxiety began to wash away. I was more than just home. I was where I belonged; where I was wanted.

Throughout the night, fulfillment began to infuse me.

~A 45-minute couch conversation with my husband about each others dreams, goals, and plans.
~A long, quiet hot shower with every smidgen of makeup from the day removed.
~A quiet time with the Lord asking Him to still my heart.
~The separation of dirty laundry and the whirring of the washing machine.
~A goodbye kiss to my husband wishing him good luck on his softball game.
~Giving myself grace for a couple unhealthy choices today and getting back on track tonight with healthy choices instead of waiting until tomorrow.

Quietness.

Restoring order.

Soft jazz music.

Writing.

Space.

These are just the things I needed.

I am glad to have learned from today. And I am glad for the opportunity to go try again tomorrow.

Remembering.

2010-07-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

I get used to my world.

The work week. Quiet. Office chairs and computers that don't talk to me. Space to think. The hum of co-workers conversations with each other or with customers. A pile of checks to open and deposit. An occasional outburst from my boss in the corner - but thankfully never directed at me (yet).

Saturday mornings. Quiet and still. Just the drip of a coffee pot until I pour myself a cup and settle into the couch with my Bible. Watching the peaceful, morning mountains outside my living room window become more alive as the sun brightens the day.

A world of (young) adulthood. The day ahead of me completely directed by me. By my own desires and personal agenda. Hiking, writing and reading, church. My current mood continually reflected by my choice of a Pandora station on my iPhone.

It seems, sometimes, as if I have never lived in a house with five other highly vocal and opinionated people. Five other dynamic and musically-inclined individuals.

And then I come back.

Just for an evening, which turns into spending the night, which turns into a July 5th holiday with the family.

And then I remember.

I remember what it was like years ago. I remember waking up to little sisters laughing on the couch as I came down in my pajamas. I remember waking up to a scolding for not having my chores done on time. I remember waking up to the sound of Christian radio while my parents danced around in the kitchen frying bacon and setting the table. I remember, once again, how quickly a happy conversation can turn from laughing hysterically to everyone going in separate rooms after one ill-spoken comment. I remember opening our garage door on a warm 9:00am morning to the swarm of neighborhood children wanting to play. I remember how difficult it is to finish a complete sentence. I remember what it is like to have to jump on your opportunity to speak before you miss your chance. I remember not being able to stop laughing and almost choking on milk over something not-that-funny. I remember the almost-constant motion. And I remember the treasure of staying up late at night to listen to the quiet.

When I come back, I can't believe I have forgotten.

That was my world.

And now, it is no longer my world.

But, it will be my world again someday.

God-willing, someday, I will be waking up to assuage the night cries of my little ones. I will be asking my husband to please take the big brother to baseball practice while I stay home with the sick ones in bed. I will be cutting coupons and making Costco runs to feed the ever-hungry and ever-moving mouths. I will be setting the dinner table for six and will eventually start eating before all six seats are filled because we can’t wait any longer for the high-schooler to get home from rehearsal. I will mediate between the fights and the tears. I will swell with joy and gratitude when I hear the sound of all my kids laughing at something not-that-funny. I will be proud when I see the older one teach the younger one how to find verses in the Bible.

Perhaps that will be me someday. My biggest prayer is that it will be.

And in those days still yet to come, I will remember.

I will remember what it was like in my young years of marriage. I will remember what it is like to change Friday night plans on a whim. I will remember what it was like to do something spontaneous with my husband just because we can. And I will remember the peace of a quiet Saturday morning after a long work week. I will remember the magic of the morning with my husband still in bed, and the only sound being the dripping of a coffee pot until I pour myself a cup and settle into the couch with my Bible.

I am going to enjoy these days I am living in. These days of youthfulness mixed with adulthood, peacefulness mixed with stress, busyness mixed with control of how I desire to order my time, and quiet Saturday mornings that will not last forever.

I will strive to fully embrace each season I am in.

But in each season, I will try to remember.

Real Honesty - Part 2

2010-07-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I talked about how sometimes the fear of being rejected or the fear of controversy can lead me to be dishonest through omission. Meaning, I won’t necessarily verbalize a lie and say, “Yes, I totally agree with you!” (when I don’t) but I WILL sort of half-heartedly nod and just listen, giving the appearance that I am in agreement.

I am currently figuring out when I need to be honest and not allow my fears to hold me back from speaking truth or from verbalizing my opinions. However, in this learning process, I am also discovering when it is appropriate to use discretion over blunt honesty.

When I say that we should be honest despite our fears of rejection, I DON”T mean that we should go blaring our opinions around, especially uninvited, to every person in our path. There is a place for discretion.

So how do we know when we should say something and when we shouldn’t?

There could be more to this answer [and I would love to hear your thoughts] but I believe it has to do with the internal motivation of your heart.

There are two questions that have I begun to ask myself. These are:

“Why do I want (or don’t want) to say this?” and “What is the benefit of me saying this.”

If I am finding that the only reason I don’t want to say something is fear of rejection or fear of controversy, I might want to consider stretching myself and applying the honesty approach.
But, if there is going to be no actual benefit to me speaking up about something, or if it causes unneccesary harm, or if I find that my reasons for wanting to share something are purely selfish, then maybe it is a good time to apply the rule of discretion.

I think I am beginning to discover the line between a time for honesty and a time for discretion.

What do you think? What have you learned in this area?

Real Honesty - Part One

2010-07-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was young, I prided myself on telling the truth.

I didn't lie as a kid (at least not enough that I remember) and I would always break down and admit it when I was the one to blame in a circumstance. I had a very active and loud conscience.

To this day, when asked a direct question, I cannot tell a lie. [like George Washington and the cherry tree] I just can't. I never practiced it so it's really obvious on the rare occasion that I try to get away with not telling the truth on something.

But does all that mean I have always been honest?

Is it honest to withhold information?

Is it honest to give someone an answer they want to hear when you don't actually mean it? Or to carefully choose your words so that you aren't lying but you hide your actual opinion?

Is it honest to stay silent when you are in the middle of an opinionated conversation? To just nod yes the whole time and give the appearance of agreement when you don't actually agree at all?

Honest Confession: I have done all those things. And honestly, I don't think that's a very honest way to live.

Why do I do those things? I want people to like me. I don't want to offend people. I am often afraid to stand up for my opinions. I don't want to be controversial or critical.

Granted, I'm not always afraid to stand up for my opinions. Actually, in some cases and situations, I am pretty vocal. But overall, I am not sure that honesty, in this overall sense, has defined me. I am not sure that people have always known the truth of what I was thinking.

There is a difference, however, between discretion and honesty. There are simply times when discretion tells you to be careful with what you say and how you say it. And there are other times when honesty tells you it is time to stand up and be real. I want to listen to both discretion and honesty at the appropriate times. But I don't want to use the excuse of discretion as a cover for honesty.

I am just learning in this area. In fact, I just made a new friend who has some different ways of approaching life than I do. But, I was able to tell her what my opnions and beliefs were and she was able to do the same with me. We expressed how much we desired honesty and wanted the other to be honest with the other. It was SO refreshing.

I have much to learn. These written thoughts are just an expression of what is rolling around in my head. But I am excited to enter this journey of being honest about who I am no matter who I am around while at the same time continuing to use discretion and love in all my interactions.

I can think of no better example than Jesus to look to as my guide.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Any pointers for me?

Barefoot

2010-06-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about when I was thirteen and concerned about what people thought about me...especially those older teenagers passing by as I was barefoot in my front yard rolling in the garbage cans.

Just because years have gone by doesn’t mean that I have gotten over my fear of what people think of me…..or my embarrassment of people seeing me walk around in my bare feet.

Ok, ok. No, I don’t normally have an issue with people seeing me barefoot. It was just a good lead-in for my story. However, I definitely still do have an issue with caring about other people’s opinions of me.

Fast forward from being thirteen to being a twenty-year-old college sophomore walking back to the dorms from class. I wasn’t a freshman, I wasn’t figuring out my way around, and I wasn’t insecure about walking that familiar, often-crowded path back to the dorm buildings.

Backpack slung on one shoulder, phone in hand, I was rather comfortably going through the motions of pretending to recognize those people that gave me polite smiles as they passed me, and giving courtesy smiles of recognition when I would catch the eye of someone looking at me as I passed them. It was the awkward, “I can’t just look at the ground and pretend I don’t see anyone, but do I really have to smile and say hello to EVERY person I pass?” sort of walk.

But really, nothing major was going on in my head.

And THEN, my sandal broke.

I couldn’t fix it. And I couldn’t wear just one sandal so I had to take my sandals off and walk the rest of the way back to the dorms barefoot. All of a sudden, because of that small, little mishap, the walk seemed three times as long as it used to seem. And all of a sudden, I felt the horrible awkwardness of walking in this crowd alone.

If I had just had a friend walking with me. Someone who knew what had happened with my shoe and someone to laugh about the fact that I had to walk shoeless to my dorm it would have been fine. Just one person who knew the truth of what was going on. Someone to understand why.

Because I did NOT have that person, I did the only thing I could think of doing to get rid of my feelings of extreme awkwardness. I flipped out my phone and talked to a friend of mine. Only, there was actually no one else on the other end of the line.

I couldn’t get a hold of anyone, so I pretended to have a phone conversation.

Why the switch? Why did I go from being totally fine and “in my groove” to totally awkward and insecure about myself?

Something small happened that made me look different from the rest of the people walking around with shoes. In an instant, I felt out of place. My mind immediately went to what others would think of me.

So, I reached for my “fake friend” who wasn’t on the other side of the line.

Silly maybe.

But true. And real.

What about you? Is there anyone willing to admit the silly things they’ve done in order to feel less awkward in an uncomfortable situation?

I would tell my thirteen-year-old self....

2010-06-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

....That you don’t have to be afraid to walk outside and bring in the garbage cans simply because older teenagers are walking by on their way to the school bus.

They probably don’t even notice you as they are laughing with their friends. No, Heidi. No, their laughing just as they passed by you was about what happened during their third period class at school yesterday; it’s not about how you have to drag up your trash bins into your side yard or about what you are wearing or about the fact that you aren’t wearing shoes.

Even if they DO see you and actually notice you taking in your trash cans, they probably don’t think you are weird. Even the teenagers with the chains swinging from their belts or the ones with their pants halfway down their behind have to take the trash cans in and out at their house too.

AND, even if they DO think you are weird, they will only think about it for one minute and then they will pass by and their minds will move on to the next thing that grabs their attention.

Because, little thirteen-year-old, although you think about yourself and what everyone else might think about you almost every second of your day, you are the only one that does. You see, most people (especially those scary teenagers) are doing the same thing you are doing. They, too, are thinking about themselves and it leaves very little room for them to be ultra-concerned about you and your trash can duties.

I hope I don’t sound too harsh, dear Heidi-at-thirteen. It is just that I deeply wish you could experience the freedom to walk outside and smile freely. To walk outside and enjoy feeling the warm morning breeze playing with your blond hair. To simply enjoy the feel of the warm concrete on your bare, calloused feet as you roll those trash cans into the side yard. To enjoy sitting on top of the wooden fence-entrance to the side yard for a few minutes and dream and take in the morning. I wish you could enjoy all this as a couple of teenagers walk past on the other side of the street as much as you enjoy these things when no one is in sight.

I wish your mind felt free to thank Jesus for the beautiful day He has made instead of repeating the phrase, “God, get me through this. God, get me through this. God, get me through this. God, get me through this…” over and over in your head.

It’s ok, dear Heidi-at-thirteen. I understand. I truly do. Remember, I was there. And even if you don’t believe me now, trust me that someday you will be able to walk past a group of teenagers, without even wearing make-up, and give them a genuine smile and tell them to have a great day.

I know that sounds really scary.

Maybe even impossible.

But it will happen.

I promise.

Do you have any fears, small that they may be, that you don't think you could possibly get over? What are some fears you have found victory in?

Why the Blog Title?

2010-06-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

"It is Happy to Love."

This statement comes from the book Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.

This book, as stated on the back cover, is "a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God's children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory."
In the beginning of the book, the main character, Much-Afraid, is having a conversation with the Shepherd. They are talking about how love and pain are very much intertwined.

It goes like this:

Much-Afraid shrank back. "I am afraid," she said. "I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can."
"That is true," agreed the Shepherd. "To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you not?"
She nodded miserably and then said shamefacedly, "Yes, very much afraid of it."
"But it is so happy to love," said the Shepherd quietly. "It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant."

This excerpt is where I found my blog title.

I have a heart that loves deeply. And because of it, I have known the deep pain associated with Love. But as the Shepherd says, it is so happy to Love and it is worth the pain. I am willing to try to get past my fear of pain and to continue to pursue the Joy that comes with freely-given Love.

And if I lose sight in this journey, I pray that when I stumble my eyes will be returned to look upon my Role Model.

A Man with two openly outstretched arms nailed willing to each side of a cross.

What about you? Can you think of a time that you felt more pain because of the degree that you chose to love? Do you ever find yourself avoiding depth of love in order to avoid pain?

Why the Blog?

2010-06-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about blogging for a long time now. I have been reading blogs on a daily basis for a solid year.

And, on the privacy of my laptop where no one can see, I have been writing blog posts. I think about things and I want to process those things. So I write. and I show my writings to a couple of close friends. and maybe my sister and my mom. (who also happen to be close friends)

So I guess the first answer to Why the Blog? is that I would like a place to share. To share my thoughts, my heart, my struggles, and my questions. Maybe especially my questions. Because if there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it's that I don't have anything figured out.

That takes me to my second reason of Why the Blog? which is, I believe blogging will be a part of my journey. I am on a journey of dropping fear in pursuit of Love.

Starting this blog today is a step of dropping fear. Because the main reason I haven't started a blog until now is fear.

Fear of what people will think of my writing.
Fear of what people I know in real life will think of my public admittance of my faults.
Fear of what people will think of what I have to say.
Fear of looking, or sounding, stupid.
Fear of lack of interest.
Fear of failure.

So, although I am not somehow magically released from these fears by simply posting my first blog post, I am choosing to step out in a small act of courage and not allow fear to dictate my behavior.

And I'm Excited!

My goal on this blog is not to collect comments, or gain a high opinion from people, or be told how great I am. I actually don't expect that to happen at all!

Rather, my goal is to learn to share from a genuine heart, to share from a state of humility, and to process my pursuit of Love through the act of writing.

I'd Love to have you on the Journey!