Friday, October 8, 2010

Relational Conflict.

Hmmm, that is going to be uncomfortable.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that looks like it might hurt.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that’s hard.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.



Living in False Reality.

That is how I usually choose to deal with conflict.

I do NOT like dealing with conflict. I don’t want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I do want to take care of myself and do what is healthy for me. But I can’t be honest with the other party because it will hurt their feelings.




That’s me right now. (At least, that’s me in the area of relational conflict. Other areas are doing much better :-)

But this area: Relational Conflict. It can take me for quite a spin.

I do not know how to do what is healthy for me because I am so concerned about hurting other people’s feelings.

I recently started focusing much more directly on learning about some of my issues in codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. And then wouldn’t you know it? THE situation of all situations has arisen in the midst of my focus on healing in this area.

Do I want to deal with it?

Not a bit.

Am I going to deal with it? In a HEALTHY way?

Well, I sure hope so. I’m not giving any promises but I know I really need to heal and start making the right choices in this area of my life. So, I sure hope I deal with this correctly.

When I look at why it is so hard to stand up for what is healthy for me I have to force myself to ask these two questions:

1 – What is motivating your actions right now? The answer is usually fear. Fear of hurting others, fear of not being liked, fear of being misunderstood.
2 – What is God’s desire for you in this situation? Usually – though not always – I seem to find that the answer is what I fear doing the most. Awesome.

So, this weekend, amidst some really fun plans like:

~pumpkin patching and movie going with my husband,
~wedding flower designing with my lovely florist friend,
~ and birthday celebrating for my Dad and sister's boyfriend with my family,

I will also be doing some healing, decision making, and listening from the Lord in this struggling area in my life.

And hopefully in that process, I will also do some receiving of courage.

Because truth be known,

I’m afraid.

How do YOU deal with conflict? How do you decide to make the decisions that are healthy for you when you feel unhealthy pressure and guilt from the other side?


  1. Hi Heidi,
    My inclination is to limit my time with them.

    Shelli just came home and was talking about someone who was being unpleasant. She's choosing to keep her distance. But remain friendly of course :)

  2. heidi, glad to find each other!

    girl. i *dread* confrontation more than conflict. we disagree? that's fine. let's agree to disagree. but you've crossed me? or we have a personality conflict? i run and hide, mostly for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

    but therapy has taught me to draw boundaries. if it means with someone who just won't understand or can't see the forest for the trees, then i just have to redefine our relationship even if it means i don't tell them about it.

    nevertheless, there are those relationships when 'iron sharpens iron' and, if it means i am risking a close friendship because i'm afraid of talking things out with them, then i have to take that to the cross. it's not worth it to give up a close relationship, one i know god has put together, just because we have a misunderstanding.

    i'm all about being authentic, too. so i think in both types of conflicts, you don't have to compromise yourself in order to keep things kind.

    am i making any sense? hope so.


  3. @Dan: Nice to "see" you here! :-) Yes, sometimes that's the perfect way to handle it...setting good boundaries for yourself in a kind way.

  4. @Mary: Do you go by Mary? Or Mary Kathryn?
    I'm so glad i found you! I'm loving your blog the past few days :-)

    Yes, you made so much sense. I'm just learning to be authentic in conflict and it's pretty scary for me mainly you said...I don't like hurting people's feelings. And I also want to be liked by people.

    I love what you said about boundaries AND about sometimes needing to redefine relationships. Great advice!