Walking as a Warrior

My year learning to be a Warrior has been a good one.

A GREAT one.

But the battle is tough.

My last post was about Playing it Hurt. I said it was time to start playing hurt, and by that I meant that I no longer wanted my fears to hold me back from getting in the game. The game of life, of relationships, of passions, or of my goals.

So, although I stopped writing about it for awhile, I DID get back in the game.

I've faced alot of fears this year - especially in the first six months of 2011. One of the biggest was that I worked up the nerve and courage to take an audition prep class, take a voice lesson and prepare for an audition into the Pacific Chorale - a professional Chorale whose concerts I have attended through the years.

I was so nervous - but I went. I followed through.

I tried.

And when I walked out of that audition, I had NO idea if I had a chance or not. But I was elated because I tried and fear had not won.

To me, that was the victory!

A week later, I received a voicemail saying that I had been accepted into the Chorale. Tears from out of the hidden places of heart lept out of my eyes - I kept thinking, "What if I hadn't tried? What if I kept listening to my fear?"
That is one example (and one of the bigger ones) of how I am allowing God to help me fight my fears.

But I am also learning that being a Warrior doesn't just mean facing fears.

It also means having vision.

And THAT is what I have been seeking for these last few months.

I know my purpose is to serve my King.

"But what, oh King, do you desire from me? Put vision into my soul of Your purposes for me, and give me the strength and character of heart to follow after that vision."

This is my prayer as I continue to seek to be His warrior.

Playing Hurt.

The heart of a warrior is what I'm after. And this week, I've learned that the heart of a warrior must be honest and it must choose to be humble, even when it feels humiliating.

In the past few days, I've had to look at myself in the mirror and say, "This is what actually happened, Heidi. This is the real reason; this is what has been going on all along. Plain and simple - you're scared."

While reading a book for my creative writing class entitled, "The War of Art," I ran across a small paragraph. It was as if this small paragraph was a mirror that the book held up in order to show me myself.

The paragraph said this:

"What are we trying to heal, anyway? The athlete knows the day will never come when he wakes up pain-free. He has to play hurt."

He has to play hurt.

It was a wake-up to reality for me.

It was a kick-in-the-rear to stop blaming, stop rationalizing to myself, stop making excuses, and stop waiting for my emotional hurts to be all healed and fixed in order to move forward in something that I still want to do.

Maybe outside factors actually were a part of making one of my biggest joys turn into one of my biggest fears.

But a warrior can't always, if ever, choose the conditions in which he fights his battles. He must simply fight with no excuses. The conditions around him, or perhaps, even the conditions inside his own heart, may make things more difficult, but he still must choose to fight.

It's time for me to step up and start facing one of my biggest fears and not waiting until all the wounds are healed because waiting for complete healing has simply become an excuse for procrastination.

It's time to play hurt.


What about YOU? Do you ever rationalize your fears?

Returning...

It has been too long since I have posted!

It feels good to once again hit the "New Post" button and start typing in a blank text box.

Tonight, as it is 10:30, (and my original goal was to be asleep earlier than my normal 10:00 hour and be in bed by 9:30), will not be yielding an in-depth post.

However, I just had to come back to this little spot on the Internet after nearly a month.

Many lovely, lovely things have occured in my life! So many lessons to glean, stories to tell, and experiences to share. Some difficult and stretching experiences have occured as well and the lessons I continue to learn from those experiences always produce the gold that the furnace of the Refiner's fire promises.

2011 has truly been shaping up to be a year of training for me - the training of a Warrior. This One Word has truly proven to not be a mere idea but a true foundation for the work that God is doing in my heart and mind and life.

I think about how that word relates to my identity on a daily basis.

I have a growing playlist on my iPhone with songs that have themes of being a Christian Warrior (and I could always use new song suggestions!)

When confronted with decisions that make me want to hide, ignore, or pretend ignorance of a situation, I cannot escape the question in my head "What would a Warrior do?"

It's truly been a season of growing in strength. It seems, at least to me, that most of that has all been internal work. I'm not sure how much it shows externally in my attitudes and actions but I'm confident of the work taking place because I can feel my King is guiding me through it.


How has the beginning month-and-a-half of 2011 been going for YOU? Did you pick a OneWord for this year? Or do you see any themes taking shape in your life lately?

My OneWord2011.

"Warrior"

It seems a bit dramatic.

"Health" seems a little more practical, a little more sensible, and a little more normal.

And up until a few hours before we rang in the New Year, "Health" was going to be my One Word motto for the year.

But while celebrating with my family on New Year's Eve, my dad, sister, and I listened to music in a corner of my parent's house. And as I sat and listened, the songs that compared the Christian life to war began to stir my spirit.

It wasn't the first time that themes of war had begun to tug at me in December. During the last two weeks of the year, I saw the movies, "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" and "Legend of the Owls." I loved both movies because they held so much symbolism and I had enjoyed pondering what drew me so strongly to the noble heroes of each movie.

Also, during the last week of December, my husband began to read a book that has been sitting on our shelf for over a year - "Battle Ready" by Steve Farrar. Also in that week, I had read some excerpts from my parents copy of "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge in which he often compares the Christian journey to battle.

So, as I sat and listened to these inspiring songs, I realized that all the recent media I had been exposed to was beginning to point to a specific direction.

I casually mentioned this to my dad and he said, "Well, maybe God's trying to show you something."

I smiled and tried to laugh it off. Themes of battles and war was the last direction I desired to take for this upcoming year. Especially after completing a year in which my One Word was "Healing."

However, the more I pondered the stirrings in my heart and the more I willingly opened my heart to asking God if He was leading those stirrings, the more I couldn't get away from the word, "Warrior."

Lord?! Me?? A Warrior?

But I'm a princess!

A gentle, golden-haired, dress-wearing, encourage-the-knight-and-send-him-off-to-battle-with-a-kiss princess!

Lord, You know how much fear I still hold in my heart, don't You? Most of the time, I don't act anything like a fearless warrior.

Are You sure??

I wrestled with these thoughts. Then I began to dwell upon the characteristics of a warrior. As I brainstormed a list of some of the trademarks a warrior is known for, my heart began to understand.

The list grew long but it included trademarks such as:

Courage

Wounds

Strength

Vision

Boldness

Leader.

As the list began to grow, I began to realize, "THIS is what He wants to do in me! This is what He wants to develop me into!"

And when I understood, I was overwhelmed.

And Excited.

This is what I want.

But this is what I am afraid of.

However, I am confident of this, that He did not give me a spirit of fear but one of boldness and a sound mind. I believe that He will finish the work that He has started in me and that He will show how His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Here we go, 2011! Let's get started on this journey!

To find out what other bloggers are choosing as their word for 2011 click here!

Do YOU have any themes or words that you are inspired to follow after this year?