Returning...

It has been too long since I have posted!

It feels good to once again hit the "New Post" button and start typing in a blank text box.

Tonight, as it is 10:30, (and my original goal was to be asleep earlier than my normal 10:00 hour and be in bed by 9:30), will not be yielding an in-depth post.

However, I just had to come back to this little spot on the Internet after nearly a month.

Many lovely, lovely things have occured in my life! So many lessons to glean, stories to tell, and experiences to share. Some difficult and stretching experiences have occured as well and the lessons I continue to learn from those experiences always produce the gold that the furnace of the Refiner's fire promises.

2011 has truly been shaping up to be a year of training for me - the training of a Warrior. This One Word has truly proven to not be a mere idea but a true foundation for the work that God is doing in my heart and mind and life.

I think about how that word relates to my identity on a daily basis.

I have a growing playlist on my iPhone with songs that have themes of being a Christian Warrior (and I could always use new song suggestions!)

When confronted with decisions that make me want to hide, ignore, or pretend ignorance of a situation, I cannot escape the question in my head "What would a Warrior do?"

It's truly been a season of growing in strength. It seems, at least to me, that most of that has all been internal work. I'm not sure how much it shows externally in my attitudes and actions but I'm confident of the work taking place because I can feel my King is guiding me through it.


How has the beginning month-and-a-half of 2011 been going for YOU? Did you pick a OneWord for this year? Or do you see any themes taking shape in your life lately?

The New Year

It's taken me a few days to get settled into this New Year.

I spent the week before New Year's Day getting ready for 2011 with some journaling, reflecting, and planning.

I had chosen my word for OneWord2011 and I was excited about it.

And hours before the clock hit midnight, I felt God start stirring things up and changing things in my heart as I listened to some music at my family's gathering.

And it has taken me 5 days so far to get re-adjusted to my vision for this year. Or should I say, I have been re-adjusting to what I believe God's vision is for me this year.

I've been hesitating writing my post on what the One Word is that I believe God is calling me to for this year because when I write it down, there is no going back.

This word isn't what I expected but I know it's what I need.


Stay tuned.... :-)

The Holiday's Have Started!

And in the past couple years, the holidays have flown by WAY too quickly. I refuse to let that happen again. So this year I am being (or trying to be) very intentional in my celebrations.

And perhaps I got a little overzealous - I started listening to Christmas music October 27th. I have NEVER done that before. It has always been a strict rule in my family that the eggnog and the Christmas music stays locked up until the day after Thanksgiving.

Thing is, I'm a married woman with my own little family now and I'm learning that I can bend some rules, perhaps change them completely, as I see fit. And listening to Christmas music whenever I am in the mood, is definitely an awesome choice to make!

So....the holiday season (which, for me, usually starts on Halloween) actually started October 27th - this year's official day of whipping out the Christmas tunes!


While October 27th may be my official holiday start, this year's Halloween fun is not to be glossed over. Now, I know there's controversy over the whole "Halloween-thing." Believe me, I know. There were years where my family didn't celebrate, there were years we went traditional and simply trick-or-treated, and there were years we found "alternatives." But quite a few years ago we decided to just have some stinkin' fun. And this year was no exception. In fact, this year took the cake.


My parents took the whole family to Disneylands Halloween Party. We all dressed up, ate awesome food, enjoyed a totally transformed and mysterious Disneyland, watched a special Halloween fireworks show, danced with Buzz Lightyear and Friends, rode an even scarier version of Space Mountain, and trick-or-treated around the park. Not to mention taking pictures. Lots of pictures.




Here's one of me and my husband dressed up as mad scientists. Yes, I sprayed my hair pink. We had an awesome night, laughed hard, ate way too much candy and didn't get nearly enough sleep that night for work the next day. It was awesome.



Now that it's November, there's a few things I have been doing to cultivate the celebration of Thanksgiving and the cozy autumn season. I've been working on my goal of learning more hymns on the piano and I have started with a few Thanksgiving hymns. I have my fall decorations out - little scarecrows, a fall-colored tablecloth, gourds and pumpkins and indian corn, and candles. Lots and lots of candles.

I really want to embrace this season. I want to smell all the smells and see all the decorations. I want to hear the music and sing and play along. I want to take the pictures and write down the experiences. I want to make memories.

To do these things, I have to be intentional. In the midst of a busy life, Hallmark memories often get swept under the rug. To prevent this, I am going to write a list of experiences I would like to have this holiday season and what I need to do to make those things happen. In fact, I'm making that list as soon as I hit the publish button for this post.


Any ideas for what I should put on my list? Any fun traditions anyone has or fun experiences they have enjoyed in years past?

Unexpected Blessings.

I don't like fighting sickness.

Especially when it means having to cancel piano lessons for a third week in a row with two of the most wonderful little sisters in the world. Not only do I feel bad about holding their progress back another week, but I miss my weekly dose of getting to spend time with them.

However,

I believe God has set aside tonight for me.

On the outside, it looks like a nothing-special-sorta-disappointing night. An evening filled with cancelled plans, a sore throat, an overworking immunity system, stretchy sweats, pony-tailed hair, and dishes waiting to be washed doesn't sound very glamorous.

And it's not, really.

But there are some special things about an evening like this.

A husband needing some de-stressing comes home and puts on his sweats too. Netflix movies give his mind some rest while I relax by writing. A steaming, homeade latte for him while I keep downing cups of hot tea with slices of lemon.

Tonight is a chance for my husband and I to occupy our home. It is a chance to use our home as a place of healing and respite. Tonight we can light our candles, enjoy the Thanksgiving decorations that were put up over the weekend, get cozy in our sweats, and just be.

Just Be.

Even when we aren't in the same room, I enjoy hearing him move around in the other room. I love knowing he is near. I love walking past him and being available for a seven minute conversation before we each go back to what we were doing. I like being able to share a quick-something that we just remembered by talking from room to room. I like being available to live life with him.

So, although it took my body fighting sickness and a night off of school for my husband, we are getting the blessing of occupying the same space tonight and just being together. Together, we are healing body, mind and soul.

And I'm sure that whatever tomorrow brings, we will be better because of tonight.



What are some unexpected blessings that YOU have received lately?

I'm Loving....

....lots of things right now.

But here are a few biggies.

I'm loving...The Weather.

Thank you, So Cal, for actually giving us some weather that makes it feel like autumn this October! So deliciously cozy!

I'm loving...Quiet Evenings with Candles.

I have not been that busy running to and fro; however, my time has been well occupied.

I have been spending a few evenings a week at home. I have been opening a window to hear the rain and make the house cool enough for slippers. I have been doing lots of cooking and watching Redbox or Netflix-delivered movies. I've even been practicing my voice and piano music again. I've been doing all these things to the quiet yet enlivening glow of candles all throughout my house. I am LOVING my home evenings.

I'm loving...My Sisters.

Talking on the phone. Hearing details no one else is privy too. Laughing at things that only make us laugh. Getting together to work on piano music. Having comment conversations on facebook. Watching all three of them grow into beautiful (young) women. Nothing replaces a sister (or three)!

I'm loving...My Husband.

He is quite the guy; I love him SO much! He works so hard in every area of his life. He has so many big responsibilities pulling at him in this busy season of his life, and yet he still takes the time to share himself with me. He reserves our date night for just us. He sneaks in an extra date when he can. He calls me on his lunch. He shares his heart even when he is tired and also listens to mine. His positive attitude continues to uplift our household and bring me peace.

Thank you, Lord, for these - and so many other - blessings. You have withheld no good thing from me.


What about YOU? What are you loving these days?

I Am Striving.

It’s true.

And I don’t know how to stop.

According to my outside actions, it may not look like I’m striving, but OH! My mind is running. My thoughts are racing. I feel desperate to figure IT out.

To figure WHAT out?

Everything.

Who am I in light of the life experiences I have gone through in the past few years?

What is my purpose amidst a world that has more suffering than I realized?

What little steps can I take to make myself a more balanced, understanding, and wise person?

How can I prepare myself, set myself up, for God’s will in my life?

What the heck IS God’s will in my life?

How do I rid myself of the spiritual pride that I thought was finally gone and I keep rediscovering?

How? Why? What? Where? When? REPEAT.

When I can barely fall asleep from these (and other) thoughts racing through my brain at lightening speed, and when I wake up from a restless night of sleep only to find that my “sleeping” brain was still running all night and when I am once again going the through the motions of the morning aware that my brain is still on full-speed ahead mode, I become exhausted emotionally.

Why can’t I just “Be Still and Know that He is God?” That’s sounds nearly impossible.

However, I think I have an inkling of what the root of all this is.

Could it be my spiritual pride? Could it be that I consider myself relatively important? Because one thing I DID realize yesterday is that my mental state right now isn’t exactly giving the impression of a person who is saying, “I must decrease that He must increase (John 3:30)”

I feel like all the striving in my thoughts keeps putting the focus back on me, Me, ME!

I talked over the phone with my friend yesterday and after our conversation she sent me a text urging me to sit down in the Word for at least 5 minutes and meditate on Psalm 103.

I actually did. And it actually helped.

“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name!”

Oh, how I hope that THAT verse becomes my heartbeat and the meditation of my mind. But I know I can't do this alone and in my own strength.

Left alone, I strive. In fellowship, I am encouraged back to meditation on God's Word.

Perhaps that's why God created us for community.

Thank you, Lord, for friends that lead us back to Your Word and to Your Heart. My mind needs much renewing. I pray that you would surround me with encouragment to put my eyes back on YOU Jesus. To my heart back in Your Word. Thank you for Your patience, gentleness, and love.

You're Gonna Miss This.

Last week, one of the members of our church life group was house-sitting for her sister and she offered to host our weekly gathering at her sister’s place.

So, [fifteen-minutes-too-late] Adam and I jumped in our super-clean [thanks Adam!!] Explorer and drove down to a city we haven’t been in for almost two years. It was the city where we started our married life together.

The house we met at that night was just a couple blocks away from our old church where we used to spend SO much of our time. It was also just a very short drive away from our first (and second) apartment.

So, after our life group ended, Adam and I decided to drive down to our apartment.

It was so weird.

We hadn’t been back to this area since we had moved into the town home we bought in November 2008. There just hadn’t really been any reason to go back.

Driving to our old apartments, we passed by the CVS that we would always stop at for daily necessities.

We passed the Brueggers Bagels that we always looked forward to eating at right before church on a Sunday morning. It was always two cheese jalapeno bagels for Adam and one try-something-new-every-time bagel for me.

We passed the El Pollo Loco, Rubys, Starbucks, Baja Fresh, and Rubios that we had eaten in so many times enjoying a date with one another or a time of fellowship with our friends from church.

We passed the park and movie theater where we had gone street witnessing with the group from church. And where we had played Frisbee and Smash-Ball on a summer night.

And then we entered our apartment complex. We drove in the same entrance we used to always use. First, we drove over to our one bedroom. Then we drove over to the other side of the complex to where we had our two bedroom.

Had it really been almost two years since we in that complex? Together, we talked and talked about details that we remembered.

Things we did in specific places.

Conversations we had and the exact locations we had them in.

Trips to the laundry room.

Driving around late at night trying to find a parking lot.

Carrying my piano up those stairs.

Remembering what our place looked like inside.

I didn’t know it then, but we were building memories.

I mean, I knew that one day I’d remember those days but, in that first year, I never really stopped to realize the preciousness of each day and the fact that I would cherish those memories in the future.

Back then, I was too focused on building.

Building our marriage. Building our relationships. Building and keeping up with all our activities. Getting ahead in school. Building for the future.

I never realized I would miss that time of life. I occasionally would tell myself I would. And I’d sing along in the car to the country song, “You’re Gonna Miss This” and remind myself to open my eyes a little more.

But I didn’t actually believe it.

Now I do.

But from that experience, this is what I have learned.

Cherish today.

Ok, so things aren’t perfect. I still have to finish painting my less-than-halfway painted walls. I still have to get my piano tuned. I still have to do this. And that. And this other thing. And that other thing.

That’s ok.

I’m gonna miss these days someday. I don’t realize it or think about it enough, but I am building memories NOW.

Our first year of marriage, I was just living. Every-day-daily-life living. And now, those daily-life-days are memories. Beautiful memories.

And my today will, someday, be a memory.

At this point of my post my parents are probably reading and smiling to themselves saying, “Finally, she is realizing this! Hopefully she is actually getting it!”

My parents know very well that I have a tendency to always look ahead to the next thing. Ever since I was a young child I wanted the next stage of life. When I was in junior high, I just wanted to get to high school so that I could prepare for college. Two years into college, I was married.

My mom has always said to me that I am her “April Child Dreaming of June.” (lyrics to a song about always dreaming of the next stage of life.)

I’m going to [try to] start allowing my mind to slow down. Maybe my pace of life won’t slow down. But I want to be more aware of soaking up my days and enjoying the little blessings and even the struggles that life is offering me today.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to write and journal about my daily experiences.

I want to steal those hidden moments to embrace it all.


Because tomorrow, today will be a memory.


This song below PERFECTLY describes me. Minus the arrival-of-children part. That is the one part of the song that hasn’t quite happened. Yet :-)

And, for all you who pretend you don’t like Country Music, this song is going to bring out the truth. After listening to this song, there is no denying that Country Music is awesome.

Priorities.

There is a lot on my mind.

There is so much on my heart.

But as I sit at these keys, I’m unable to type what I thought would so easily flow.

So I won’t force it.

I’ll simply share where my heart has landed amidst all my processing tonight.

Three simple lines:

There are some things that matter.

There are some things that don’t matter.

Sometimes death, or the possibility of death, has its way of revealing the difference.

Growing Pains.

When I was about nine I had bad growing pains in my legs.

My legs were growing really fast and my body was having a hard time keeping up with the rate of growth.

For awhile, it seemed like my young body was literally two-thirds legs and one-thirds torso. A little awkward. And painful.

There was nothing I could do to stop the growing. It was a good and necessary development. But it in that season, it just kept growing and growing and growing and then when the pain got overwhelming and I couldn’t escape my body, I’d lay on the cool sheets on top of my white, IKEA bunk-desk bed, and just cry.

That’s sort of how I feel in life right now.

For the past few years of my life, I have been growing and growing and growing. It seems that I haven’t even finished absorbing the first lesson before the second and third and forty-seventh start pushing at my heart.

My eyes never stop observing and my heart never stops feeling. Even when I try to make them stop. I am constantly aware of the lessons life is teaching me. I am constantly processing the experiences surrounding me and involving me.

I love processing. I really enjoy learning lessons. And although it can hurt, I don’t mind that much when my eyes are opened about my flaws and I’m the one that has to change.

But the fact that I haven’t taken a breather from new lessons for lots of years keeps catching up with me. There are times when it's overwhelming.

Sometimes it’s painful, like my leg-growing pains. There are times when I can’t get away from it and it hurts and I just have to cry. How can I reconcile all these new ideas? How can I know what truth is if I was sure something was true and I find out it's not? How can I trust when trust has been broken?

But sometimes, this process is glorious! Everything I am constantly learning is showing me more of who Jesus really is and there are times when I feel it all bubbling up inside me. I can feel my joy and gratefulness growing deeper and deeper inside me.

And just when it seems I couldn’t take more joy, I’ll see something beautiful, like when I'm driving down the freeway and beholding a gorgeous evening sky with puffy pink-and purple-hued clouds and the sun behind it all illuminating the colors and streaming out beyond the edges. Those are the moments when my tears again pour out and spill down past the biggest smile my lips can form.

Maybe this is how life will always be as an adult. It’s been my only experience of adult-life so far. Perhaps I will get more and more used to these constant growing pains.

But I wouldn't rather trade the lessons and the joy and the deep satisfaction when God finally illuminates the answers for anything, despite all the pain involved.


Has God been expanding anything in your heart lately? Do you ever feel overwhelmed with observations and lesson-learning in life?

She's Not Impressed.

With my blue, plastic cup in hand, I walk down the long aisle past all the grey cubicles and head towards the break room.

Outwardly, it looks like I am just thirsty and want some more water. And that is partly true. Inwardly, however, I am processing.

As I walk the long hallway, I am thinking about a recent conversation I had with an old friend and I am trying to figure out why the remembrance of that conversation is sweeping over me with a feeling of total satisfaction and rest.

I open the door to the break room and I smile at the lady eating her salad. I glance over at the group of people making small talk at the far table.

I head across the room to the water cooler and I can feel my inner self getting closer and closer to understanding the source of my satisfaction.

I position my cup under the water nozzle and tip the black-colored lever down. I watch as the water flows into my cup.

As the cup gets to be about halfway full, it comes to me.

Resolution! I finally know why I feel so satisfied in remembering my time with my friend.

It was because….

She wasn’t impressed by me.

What? I was surprised to realize that this was the reason for my satisfaction.

It’s true, I thought. She doesn’t seem impressed by me. She doesn’t think I’m oh-so-holy and she doesn’t want to be just like me. Okay.

But she LIKES me. She likes me for who I am. She enjoyed our time together just as much as I enjoyed it.

I don’t feel the need to try to impress her in the next facebook message I send her. Or in my actions the next time I see her.

I can just be me.

No pressure to please. No expectations to fulfill.

Just mutual enjoyment of one another. Admiration for one another. Receiving from each other.

Walking out of the office and heading towards a break room table outside. Sitting under some beautiful trees and sipping my water.

Relaxed.

Content.

Satisfied.

An hour of work left to go and then the weekend is mine to enjoy.

I’m starting the weekend off tonight by meeting a friend of my husband’s and his wife over dinner.

And now, after my afternoon epiphany, I am much more excited to meet these new friends than I was earlier because now I know I don’t have to go to impress.

I just have to go and enjoy.


So to my friend: Thank You!

Heidi-at-Twenty-Three

Sometimes, I miss Heidi-at-twenty.

Heidi-at-twenty knew much more than Heidi-at-twenty-three.

Heidi-at-twenty knew what she stood for and why. She had strong opinions and she had answers to questions. She was good at coloring her world in black-and-white. She was especially good at knowing how to read the Bible and guide her life by it. Heidi-at-twenty knew how to have a relationship with Jesus.

But Heidi-at-twenty-three is different. Heidi-at-twenty-three has been doing some dangerous things.

Heidi-at-twenty-three has been listening intently to many women’s stories. She has been reading raw and honest writings about people’s life experiences. She has been observing individuals in her life undergo heartache and struggle. She has literally watched loved ones pass away from temporal life into eternal life. She has experienced certain types of pain that she hadn’t planned on experiencing.

Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers.

Heidi-at-twenty-three is unsure how all the new colors she has discovered are supposed to fit into a previously black-and-white frame.

She is asking questions of God’s character. She is wondering how an abundant relationship with Him works.

She has questions.

And when Heidi-at-twenty-three goes back to ask Heidi-at-twenty those questions, Heidi-at-twenty is able to give answers.

But somehow, Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t think those answers are quite right. She may not yet know the answers herself, but she has a stirring feeling that the answers cannot be contained in the simple sentences that Heidi-at-twenty gives.

And when I realize that those answers are no longer satisfactory, I don’t think I really miss Heidi-at-twenty so much. In fact, I believe I am beginning to really enjoy Heidi-at-twenty-three.

I am discovering that it is okay that Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers. I sort of like the way she is willing to listen to other people’s perspectives and stay open to maybe even changing her mind. I’m getting used to the fact that her compassionate heart often hurts these days as she keeps exposing herself to reality.

But what I like the most about Heidi-at-twenty-three is that she has learned that she doesn’t have to understand everything about Jesus in order to trust Him and in order to follow Him.

And as long as she keeps believing THAT, then I think Heidi-at-twenty-three and I will get along just fine.

This Side of the Give-and-Take-Away Line

I was doing good.

I was adjusting to what God has allowed in my life. I was adjusting to what He had allowed to be taken away. I was getting ready to roll up my sleeves for what is to come. And, I was actually getting excited for the direction I am headed.

And THEN….

…I read a facebook status. (those things are awesome, aren’t they?) It was written by an old friend from my high school church youth group.

After I read that status I was, all of a sudden, NOT okay anymore.

All at once, all of my desires were thrown in my face from someone who has (seemingly) exactly what I want and what I almost had.

Jealousy instantly threw itself over me and covered me like a dark, thick blanket.

Suffocating.

Heavy.

Blinding.

“Why did you take MY baby away and allow her to keep hers?” “Why does she get this lifestyle and not ME?”

Normally, I’m not a super jealous person. I do struggle with it sometimes, though. And I definitely have a struggle with comparing myself to others. This time, the jealousy hit HARD.

This July, I have been remembering last July. Last July was a month of joy. It was a month of pregnancy. It was a month of the promise of the life of which I have dreamed. Motherhood.

August 8th, 2009, that dream was stolen from me. I don’t know when it will be returned.

I am happy for my old friend. But my heart hurts for myself.

The thing is, I don’t want it to. I really just want my heart to focus on how God is teaching me, molding me, going to use me, blessing me, walking with me, etc, etc, etc….

I’m gonna have to ask the Lord for a little more help on this one right now.

I didn’t expect life to be fair. I guess I just didn’t expect to be on this end of the give-and-take-away line.

It’s hard watching people live on the “give” side of the line when you’re on the “take-away” side of the line.

Hmmmm…perhaps I should limit the amount of facebook statuses I read? :-)


Forgive my wandering eyes, Lord. Help me not to be like Peter when he asked, “Lord, what about him?” and You answered, “…what concern is that of yours? You follow Me.” Please give me that heart with eyes only focused on following You. Help me to accept what You allow in my life and help me to not become bitter when You take away.


What about YOU? Do you ever struggle with jealously when someone else has something you desire?

Lasts and Firsts (with my sister)

Part Three of the LASTS series.
For Part One, click here.
For Part Two, click here.


I sat down for my thirteen-(almost fourteen)-year-old sister’s performance of the musical “Honk!” in which she was playing the lead role of the mother duck Ida. I casually perused through the program and started reading the bio’s of all the cast members. Then I got to my sister’s bio and I almost stopped breathing. Then I started crying.

9th grader? She’s described as a 9th grader?

You see for me, talking about an idea sometimes holds less impact than seeing the raw facts written on paper. And here it was, in print, the truth that my little sister is now a 9th grader. A high-schooler. She may not yet have experienced her first day of high school but she graduated from the 8th grade a month ago. She knows what choirs she will be singing in next year. And she has her class schedule all figured out. Yes, she is a 9th grader.

Usually, at least for me, a first is easier than a last. You know, the last of something usually holds such finality with no going back and it makes you want to hold on and remember every memory you possibly can. On the other hand, a first is full of such promise with a blank slate for the memories to decorate one-by-one. There is (usually) less to grieve with a “first” because it the start -not the ending- of something.

But this time is different. This time the last is much easier than the first.

The last, Chrissy’s eight grade graduation, wasn’t that hard for me. Yes, I was sentimental. I was beaming with pride to see how gorgeous she looked. I was proud to hear her sing the national anthem to start the ceremony. It all felt right. She seemed so ready. She had fit a lot into her 3-year junior high experience and it just seemed like she was ready for the next chapter.

But this first! This first day of high school, this first day of freshman year, this first of such a new season for her - this first is what is catching my throat even still.

In this big first of my sister’s life, I am experiencing again how pain is such big part of love.

The pain of letting go, the pain of selfishly desiring her to stay young so I can always have her as my “little” sister, the pain of being proud and having my heart hurt and my eyes fill with tears because she is developing with so much talent and inner and outer beauty.

It just hurts.

It *almost* makes me afraid of someday being a mom because if this is how I feel about my younger sister, I don’t know WHAT I am going to do when I go through these experiences with my own children!

As I let go and embrace this new season in my sister’s life, I am excited to see what these next four years will bring for her. I am so grateful that she loves Jesus and that she proudly expresses a desire to continually grow in her relationship with Him.

I can’t wait to see what beautiful things she will do and what beautiful things will be created inside her.


Thank you, Lord, for this new season. Thank you for all the joy it has brought me to be a part of my sister’s life from the day she was born. Thank you for who you have crafted her to be and please give me peace and joy knowing that it is You that is molding her, walking with her, and protecting her. Thank you for my sister.


What about YOU? Is there anything you are having a hard time letting go of?

The Last Day. Of Freshman Year.

Part Two of the "Lasts" series.
For Part One click here.


Freshman year of college at Chapman University was magical. Magical.

There was hard stuff for sure, some intensely hard stuff actually, but that’s not what I remember when I think of the phrase “freshman year.”

To me, the phrase “freshman year” is defined by fellowship, a constantly available shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. I think of it as free time filled up by prayers in the hallway, group walks over to the cafeteria for breakfast and lunch and dinner. A year of Christian girls all placed by God on one magical floor - 4th floor Pralle - all devoted to Jesus and a pure lifestyle.

And a room friend I will never forget. Three weeks into the first semester, we hadn’t really talked too in depth. I mean, we lived together and we liked each other, but hadn’t yet gotten past the superficial. And then one day (I don’t remember how it happened) she and I had our first heart-to-heart. We talked about how hard the transition into college was. We talked about the making of new friends. And that night, we decided to NOT be roommates. We decided to be room friends.

I loved living with her. I was a morning person. She was a night owl. We both liked our quiet space but we loved to share our hearts. We both wore a size 10 shoe. (ahem, still do) We were both listeners and encouragers so we both felt safe with each other to share and pray and cry. And oh, we could cry together. And be crazy. Who else would let me wake her up dancing like a mad woman to 80’s music?

Eventually, yet all too soon, the last week of school came. For the most part, we were all stoked! Summer was finally here!! But amidst the rush of finals and late-night, last-minute studying, there was a misty cloud of dread wisping over us. We all felt it. Freshman year is almost over. Will it be the same next year?

Last Day of school. Exhausted. One of the girls and I had a music history final which had robbed us of sanity for the few days leading up to it. We took the test, high-fived each other with as much energy as we could muster, grabbed some food in the caf, and ran to our rooms to finish our packing and clean them completely before we turned in our keys. When we were done all us girls were spending a beach weekend together. The faster we were done cleaning, the sooner vacation came!

My room friend and I cleaned our room together. We both planned on being back next year. Same floor, same room, same room friend. We zoomed around our room, sweat until we were dripping, and talked about the past year with smiles.

When we were done, we all met down in the parking garage to pile into the car and head to the beach. My room friend couldn't come that night because of a prior engagement and was going to meet us down there the next day.

I went to give her a hug. Like always. To say goodbye.

And then, it HIT me. It hit me hard and pierced me straight to my core.

It. Was. Over.

I held her and cried. We were going to live together again, what was the problem? I was going to spend time with all my girls at the beach relaxing instead of studying, why was I crying?

Perhaps my spirit knew before my mind did. But I instantly knew that nothing would be the same after this weekend.

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Changes came.

It ended up that my room friend and I couldn’t live together the next year. She was offered an RA position and was thrilled for the opportunity. And I was genuinely thrilled for her.

One of the girls felt called to go to Bible College and for the next year she was across the globe studying abroad.

Two of our girls left our circle of friends when they joined a sorority.

I met my husband that summer and was dating him all of sophomore year and married him the following summer.

We had different schedules sophomore year. And different rooms (except I did get the pleasure of living with another one of the girls whom I affectionately titled Room Cat).

When sophomore started, we were all a little sad. We were trying to recreate freshman year and it left us all frustrated. We had to learn to move on and embrace the season in front of us.

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Whenever it comes to remembrance, the last day of freshman year leaves me with a smile. It’s like the perfect, bittersweet ending of a lovely, heartwarming book. A happy ending without being syrupy sweet.

I mean, what’s a better way to end the book of “Freshman Year,” then the last paragraph being,

“I held my room friend tight, tears coming out of nowhere, my spirit knowing before my mind that things would never be the same. She squeezed me and told me she loved me and that she’d see me tomorrow. We locked eyes with our look of "knowing" and I smiled as a tear slipped down my cheek. With a full heart, I crawled into the car full of my girls, the ones who I had shared the countless precious moments of this precious year, and together we headed down the open highway, singing and laughing on the way to beach to celebrate our year.”

LASTS. Part one.

Ever since yesterday, I have been thinking about LASTS.

Well, I think about "lasts" more often than just since yesterday, but I have been thinking about them in a more focused manner since reading the following post by one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah Markley.

"LASTS"

Go ahead, click on the link. It is a beautifully written post. You will love it.

So anyway, her post (which I'm sure you've read by now), has been making me think of all the "lasts" I have experienced and how some of them have been painfully beautiful, some of them have been difficult but necessary, and others were just hard.

In the next few days, I'll be describing more of my thoughts on some of my own "lasts".


Ending Day of Freshman Year...

Last weeks with Grandpa...

Last month and moments with Grandma...

Last Day of a beautiful month and a half of pregnancy...

Graduation Day for my (former) eight-grade sister...

....to name a few experiences.

So come back tomorrow, and together let's explore the concept of cherishing the "lasts" in our lives.


What about YOU? Are there any "lasts" that you have been thinking of with a smile or grieving over?


Part Two of the LASTS series, click here.
Part Three of the LASTS series, click here.
Part Four of the LASTS series, click here.