Three Months

For twelve Tuesdays in a row, a group of between 8-14 ladies gathered every week to study the book of Daniel. 

In my home. 

As we got to the end of our last gathering last night, ladies began thanking me for hosting it.

"Thank you!"-  I wanted to tell them -  "You don't know what joy it brought me!!"

For over 5 years, every since I've been married, it has been my desire to host Bible study in my home.  But with both my husband and I being a full time students, working full time, moving 3 times, and having almost continuous construction in our current home over the last few years, the timing just hadn't worked out. 

That is, until these past three months - a joyful three months!  Three months of Tuesday being my favorite night of the week. 

Three months of women sitting on couches given to me for free, talking around a table that was given to me for free, and watching Beth Moore teachings on a TV given to me for free.  And three months of women not caring how or where I got my furniture - but simply gathering on and around it to engage in fellowship.

Three months of women sitting on the floor because there wasn't enough spots on the couches and three months of washing their hands and putting their purses in a restroom that still has yet to be fully completed from our construction. 

Three months of women bringing snacks and sipping coffee and of sharing tears and laughs and prayer needs and three months of watching God answer those very prayers!  Three months of learning one another's hearts, and lives, and needs and learning to pray over those things for each other.

Three months of studying hard and of learning that scripture is not always about us but it is always for us!  Three months of learning that we are capable of understanding more than we think we are and of applying ourselves to be diligent to learn God's Word.

For three months these women came - despite the imperfections of the house, despite the imperfection of each other, and even despite the imperfections in themselves, they came and gave of themselves.  And they accepted each other.  Embraced each other.  Loved each other.

So to my Bible study ladies, my sisters, thank you!!

I feel like my house has now been christened!  Hosting Bible study has made my little house finally feel like home to me.  I feel like I belong more to my home now that it has been a place of gathering for us women to grow more in the knowledge of the Word and in unity with each other.
You have all been a part of bringing one of my biggest desires come to reality!
I love you all and am full of joy and thankfulness as I reflect on our three months together. 

Doing it Afraid.

I make the decision.

I AM going to go.

I start getting ready forty minutes before I have to be there and I leave twelve minutes before 7:00. I sing along to my most recent favorite worship songs on repeat as I drive and follow directions on my iphone.

I pull into the church parking lot and follow the signs set up for parking.

And, right before I open my car door to leave my little, safe, personal world, it starts to happen.

Anxiety - but not too severe. Not what it used to be like in new situations. But still, I couldn't help but be nervous.

I have learned how to control my anxiety in I'm-new-to-this-group situations by pretending on the outside with my actions that everything is fine. I am careful with the expression that my face is showing so that I don't look scared. I try to move in a comfortable manner so I don't look awkward. All the while, my inside is tightening and my hands and face are starting to become warm.

I am greeted by the girl at the front. The first of many ladies I would be meeting.

I follow her directions and walk up the stairs. Everyone in the room is talking in groups or in pairs.

There are three rows of chairs. I quietly sit in the middle row (not too forward to sit in the front on my first time but not too cowardly to sit in the back, either).

When it comes time for everyone to be seated, I am the ONLY one in the middle row. Apparently, everyone else likes to sit in the backrow.

As the worship starts, I try to remind myself that everyone else is here to worship - NOT here to watch the girl in the second row and criticize how she looks when she is worshipping.

The teaching starts. It's a small group that night so the teacher moves us all over to one side for a more intimate setting. I pull out my journal. I NEED to remember all that he is saying...it is so good. However, I am the only one taking notes.

Teaching is over. A girl comes and talks to me before we break off into small group. I really like her and I am thankful we are getting to know each other, but my nervous habits are popping out. Not knowing how much eye contact to give, worrying about the position of my hands, wondering if I am blushing, worrying if I will say something stupid.

Time to go to break off into groups. I follow this girl (who happens to be the girl who greeted me at the door) and she explains how the sessions usually work. The rest of the ladies join us for the open-share group.

Sweet and genuine ladies. Very welcoming.

We head into our share time. I try to give eye contact and use my body language to encourage each speaker. Then it is my turn and I get nervous again. I am much more comfortable encouraging others as they share than sharing what is going on inside me.

I share. The ladies give nods of understanding. The ladies seem to totally understand. But still, when I am done, I can't help but feel that many of the things I said, or how I said them, sounded a little silly.

We pray. That's when I finally feel comfortable. Praying for the lady on my right and I am finally able to speak genuinely from my heart because I am right at the feet of Jesus speaking to Him on this lady's behalf.

We finish prayer. I become self-conscious again.

I walk out and the girl I prayed for walks with me. She shares a bit of her story with me and I learn how much we are able to relate. We get to the door where I choose to head to my car and she chooses to stay and fellowship. I give an awkward "I'll-see-you-soon" and she gives a non-awkward smile and goodbye.

I walk down the stairs, back to my car, and as soon as I get in and close my car door, I feel safe again. Back inside my safe, little, secure world. My own little environment.

I drive home and sing the same worship songs that I sang on the way there and I reflect on my night.

It was a GOOD night. It was where I needed to be. And I am pretty sure it is where I need to continue to be.

I don't want to let my fear of entering into new groups and new environments stop me from fellowship and growth and blessing.

The group was filled with sincere, loving people. The worship leader was genuine. The teacher was loving and an excellent communicator. The share-group was authentic and safe and filled with lovely ladies.

The only problem was that my heart was filled with fear. A fear grown from the seed of self-focus.

My prayer is that as I choose to "do it afraid," as one of my favorite bloggers would say, that I will give the enemy less power in my life so that the Lord will be able to work in my heart and heal me and bless me.

I am thankful for last night.

I am thankful for the fellowship and for what I learned.

I am thankful for how God is healing me and teaching me.

And I am looking forward to the day when I am able to walk into new situations without anxiety. Until that day though, I will do it afraid.



What about YOU? What are some situations that bring out your fears or anxieties? Do you get nervous in new environments?

I Used To.... Now I....

I recently found an awesome blogger, Mary Kathryn Tyson. I love the authenticity with which she writes and the humorous way she often approaches truth.

I loved this idea that she did on her blog and I thought I would do it here too!

I Used To.... . Now I....

I used to allow my fear of people's opinion to govern my actions. Now I choose to do what I want or what is best for me, despite my still-present fear of what people might think.

I used to trust anyone. Now I am more careful with who I believe.

I used to never question God's love for me. Now I struggle with understanding God's love.

I used to not be okay with not having the right answers. Now I realize that it's okay to not know everything and it's good to embrace the process of God maturing me.

I used to be a vocal performance, then music education, then music therapy major. Now I have one more class before I graduate with my B.S. in Education.

I used to not understand what it meant to lose someone. Now I do.

I used to not be able to relate to the depth of people's pain. Now I have more experiential grounds on which to relate.

I used to read blogs. Now I read AND write blogs.

I used to not be very good at saying "no". Now I am much better at setting good boundaries for myself.

I used to think God's rules were very black-and-white. Now I think there is a bit more color and mystery to His ways.

I used to strive to be perfect. Now I strive to be closer to the heart of God.

I used to rarely go to the movies. Now I often go to the movies. (Thank you, $2 and $3 theaters!)

I used to be legalistic. Now I am beginning to understand grace.

I used to think that my opinion was the correct opinion. Now I realize that I am often wrong.

I used to love ice cream. Now I STILL love ice cream!

What about YOU? Fill in the Blanks: I used to_____. Now I _____.

Jesus Loves Me.

I am learning that Jesus loves me.

(you would think I already know...since the Bible tells me so...)

I used to know He loved me.

And I am beginning to know again.

Not just hope. Not just wish. Not just pretend.

But KNOW. that Jesus. Loves. Me.

My heart and my mind are beginning to come together on this subject. My heart has known the truth all along. I couldn't give up the belief that God loved me and really desired good things for me as His child.

But my mind wandered. My mind doubted. My mind started trying to piece together all the hard things that started happening over and over and over and it eventually came to a belief that maybe Jesus didn't love me that much after all.

And, without realizing that my mind was believing that, I began to approach my life as if that was true. It was when I began to evaluate my actions and the way I thought about myself that I began to realize what I believed about Jesus' love (or lack thereof) for me.

After much wrestling in my own strength, after some honest conversations with close friends and family, and after walking in obedience to truth even when I am unsure, I am beginning to feel God renewing my mind.

He is opening my eyes to His love. He lavishly poured love on me this weekend. And He is giving me the ability to see things through the filter of His love.

This is the love that I used to walk in. But as I rediscover it, it feels so NEW.

Perhaps it is because I had never known what it was like to live without His love before.

Now, after experiencing what it feels like to walk in a way that doesn't accept His abundant love for me, I am more grateful and more thirsty for His love than ever before.

What about YOU? Are you experiencing God's Love? Or do you struggle with believing He loves you?

Letting Fruit Ripen.

I had the opportunity to go to a Beth Moore conference this weekend with my mom and it. was. phenomenal.

Because of the conference, I did a lot of heavy thinking this weekend.

Processing. Listening. Soaking in and Writing out.

Through the experience, I observed many things, I was broken in a few different ways, I was spoken to in many areas through all the teaching, and my heart delighted in worship.

I could pick from a multitude of points that I learned this weekend to blog about. There are plenty of things of substance swirling around in my head that I could share.

But those thoughts are ripe yet.

Have you ever been so impacted by something and so excited about something you have learned and then immediately gone to share it with someone only to have it fall flat when you speak it out? I know I have done that and I hate the feeling that comes with it. When that happens, it is like those fresh and precious revelations immediately become old and faded when just the few moments before I shared them, they were brand new.

The seeds of some beautiful works of God have been planted in my heart this past weekend. Already, I can see some of the fruit starting to show the flowering buds. But that fruit needs sufficient time to grow until it is ready to be picked. It needs time to be watered by the Word, spend some time in the Son, and pull and receive nutrients from the roots of understanding.

So, while this fruit grows, I am going to follow the example of Mary in Luke 2:19 and ...."treasure up all these words, and ponder in [my] heart what they might mean."




What about YOU? Has God been planting any seeds in your heart lately? Can you feel as those seeds are growing into riper fruit? What stage of growth do you think your seeds are at?