I Am Striving.

It’s true.

And I don’t know how to stop.

According to my outside actions, it may not look like I’m striving, but OH! My mind is running. My thoughts are racing. I feel desperate to figure IT out.

To figure WHAT out?

Everything.

Who am I in light of the life experiences I have gone through in the past few years?

What is my purpose amidst a world that has more suffering than I realized?

What little steps can I take to make myself a more balanced, understanding, and wise person?

How can I prepare myself, set myself up, for God’s will in my life?

What the heck IS God’s will in my life?

How do I rid myself of the spiritual pride that I thought was finally gone and I keep rediscovering?

How? Why? What? Where? When? REPEAT.

When I can barely fall asleep from these (and other) thoughts racing through my brain at lightening speed, and when I wake up from a restless night of sleep only to find that my “sleeping” brain was still running all night and when I am once again going the through the motions of the morning aware that my brain is still on full-speed ahead mode, I become exhausted emotionally.

Why can’t I just “Be Still and Know that He is God?” That’s sounds nearly impossible.

However, I think I have an inkling of what the root of all this is.

Could it be my spiritual pride? Could it be that I consider myself relatively important? Because one thing I DID realize yesterday is that my mental state right now isn’t exactly giving the impression of a person who is saying, “I must decrease that He must increase (John 3:30)”

I feel like all the striving in my thoughts keeps putting the focus back on me, Me, ME!

I talked over the phone with my friend yesterday and after our conversation she sent me a text urging me to sit down in the Word for at least 5 minutes and meditate on Psalm 103.

I actually did. And it actually helped.

“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name!”

Oh, how I hope that THAT verse becomes my heartbeat and the meditation of my mind. But I know I can't do this alone and in my own strength.

Left alone, I strive. In fellowship, I am encouraged back to meditation on God's Word.

Perhaps that's why God created us for community.

Thank you, Lord, for friends that lead us back to Your Word and to Your Heart. My mind needs much renewing. I pray that you would surround me with encouragment to put my eyes back on YOU Jesus. To my heart back in Your Word. Thank you for Your patience, gentleness, and love.

Writing REAL.

The past couple days I have attempted writing blog posts.

Obviously, those were failed attempts as nothing actually made it through to the final “Submit” button.

It has been quite the past week-and-a-half for me. Lots of life activities that don’t normally take place in my regular routine. Lots of motion combined with lots of relaxing. Lots of positive and also some negative. But mainly – lots of DIFFERENT.

And “different” always causes my brain to run a little slower until it is finished processing all the observations, activities, lessons, conversations, etc…

Anyways, in the midst of this “processing” state of my brain, I tried to write a couple posts. But they turned out to be fluff. Not like cotton-candy-fun-to-read-and-enjoy fluff but more like take-a-bite-out-of-the-chocolate-bunny-only-to-find-out-it’s-hollow-on-the-inside sort of fluff.

Not that I don’t like hollow chocolate bunnies. Because I do.

The point is, I was trying to write something of depth and it was coming out hollow. Empty.

Why?

Because my heart didn’t really believe what I was attempting to write. I was trying to make a point that I am still wrestling with internally. To post my attempted writings would have been an act of fake-ness and would have rung hollow because it is not a true representation of what is actually in my heart. Like I have said here, my heart is full of more questions than it is answers.

When I started this blog, I determined to only write from an honest heart. An authentic heart. And, if there’s some days when I can’t actually hit the submit button and post because I can’t write from that type of heart, then I will wait to write until I can.

Because I would so much rather read and write something REAL.

Wouldn’t you?

Real Honesty - Part 2

Yesterday, I talked about how sometimes the fear of being rejected or the fear of controversy can lead me to be dishonest through omission. Meaning, I won’t necessarily verbalize a lie and say, “Yes, I totally agree with you!” (when I don’t) but I WILL sort of half-heartedly nod and just listen, giving the appearance that I am in agreement.

I am currently figuring out when I need to be honest and not allow my fears to hold me back from speaking truth or from verbalizing my opinions. However, in this learning process, I am also discovering when it is appropriate to use discretion over blunt honesty.

When I say that we should be honest despite our fears of rejection, I DON”T mean that we should go blaring our opinions around, especially uninvited, to every person in our path. There is a place for discretion.

So how do we know when we should say something and when we shouldn’t?

There could be more to this answer [and I would love to hear your thoughts] but I believe it has to do with the internal motivation of your heart.

There are two questions that have I begun to ask myself. These are:

“Why do I want (or don’t want) to say this?” and “What is the benefit of me saying this.”

If I am finding that the only reason I don’t want to say something is fear of rejection or fear of controversy, I might want to consider stretching myself and applying the honesty approach.
But, if there is going to be no actual benefit to me speaking up about something, or if it causes unneccesary harm, or if I find that my reasons for wanting to share something are purely selfish, then maybe it is a good time to apply the rule of discretion.

I think I am beginning to discover the line between a time for honesty and a time for discretion.

What do you think? What have you learned in this area?

Real Honesty - Part One

Ever since I was young, I prided myself on telling the truth.

I didn't lie as a kid (at least not enough that I remember) and I would always break down and admit it when I was the one to blame in a circumstance. I had a very active and loud conscience.

To this day, when asked a direct question, I cannot tell a lie. [like George Washington and the cherry tree] I just can't. I never practiced it so it's really obvious on the rare occasion that I try to get away with not telling the truth on something.

But does all that mean I have always been honest?

Is it honest to withhold information?

Is it honest to give someone an answer they want to hear when you don't actually mean it? Or to carefully choose your words so that you aren't lying but you hide your actual opinion?

Is it honest to stay silent when you are in the middle of an opinionated conversation? To just nod yes the whole time and give the appearance of agreement when you don't actually agree at all?


Honest Confession: I have done all those things. And honestly, I don't think that's a very honest way to live.

Why do I do those things? I want people to like me. I don't want to offend people. I am often afraid to stand up for my opinions. I don't want to be controversial or critical.

Granted, I'm not always afraid to stand up for my opinions. Actually, in some cases and situations, I am pretty vocal. But overall, I am not sure that honesty, in this overall sense, has defined me. I am not sure that people have always known the truth of what I was thinking.

There is a difference, however, between discretion and honesty. There are simply times when discretion tells you to be careful with what you say and how you say it. And there are other times when honesty tells you it is time to stand up and be real. I want to listen to both discretion and honesty at the appropriate times. But I don't want to use the excuse of discretion as a cover for honesty.

I am just learning in this area. In fact, I just made a new friend who has some different ways of approaching life than I do. But, I was able to tell her what my opnions and beliefs were and she was able to do the same with me. We expressed how much we desired honesty and wanted the other to be honest with the other. It was SO refreshing.

I have much to learn. These written thoughts are just an expression of what is rolling around in my head. But I am excited to enter this journey of being honest about who I am no matter who I am around while at the same time continuing to use discretion and love in all my interactions.

I can think of no better example than Jesus to look to as my guide.


Does anyone else struggle with this? Any pointers for me?