Sometimes, I miss Heidi-at-twenty.
Heidi-at-twenty knew much more than Heidi-at-twenty-three.
Heidi-at-twenty knew what she stood for and why. She had strong opinions and she had answers to questions. She was good at coloring her world in black-and-white. She was especially good at knowing how to read the Bible and guide her life by it. Heidi-at-twenty knew how to have a relationship with Jesus.
But Heidi-at-twenty-three is different. Heidi-at-twenty-three has been doing some dangerous things.
Heidi-at-twenty-three has been listening intently to many women’s stories. She has been reading raw and honest writings about people’s life experiences. She has been observing individuals in her life undergo heartache and struggle. She has literally watched loved ones pass away from temporal life into eternal life. She has experienced certain types of pain that she hadn’t planned on experiencing.
Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers.
Heidi-at-twenty-three is unsure how all the new colors she has discovered are supposed to fit into a previously black-and-white frame.
She is asking questions of God’s character. She is wondering how an abundant relationship with Him works.
She has questions.
And when Heidi-at-twenty-three goes back to ask Heidi-at-twenty those questions, Heidi-at-twenty is able to give answers.
But somehow, Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t think those answers are quite right. She may not yet know the answers herself, but she has a stirring feeling that the answers cannot be contained in the simple sentences that Heidi-at-twenty gives.
And when I realize that those answers are no longer satisfactory, I don’t think I really miss Heidi-at-twenty so much. In fact, I believe I am beginning to really enjoy Heidi-at-twenty-three.
I am discovering that it is okay that Heidi-at-twenty-three doesn’t have all the answers. I sort of like the way she is willing to listen to other people’s perspectives and stay open to maybe even changing her mind. I’m getting used to the fact that her compassionate heart often hurts these days as she keeps exposing herself to reality.
But what I like the most about Heidi-at-twenty-three is that she has learned that she doesn’t have to understand everything about Jesus in order to trust Him and in order to follow Him.
And as long as she keeps believing THAT, then I think Heidi-at-twenty-three and I will get along just fine.