Three Months

For twelve Tuesdays in a row, a group of between 8-14 ladies gathered every week to study the book of Daniel. 

In my home. 

As we got to the end of our last gathering last night, ladies began thanking me for hosting it.

"Thank you!"-  I wanted to tell them -  "You don't know what joy it brought me!!"

For over 5 years, every since I've been married, it has been my desire to host Bible study in my home.  But with both my husband and I being a full time students, working full time, moving 3 times, and having almost continuous construction in our current home over the last few years, the timing just hadn't worked out. 

That is, until these past three months - a joyful three months!  Three months of Tuesday being my favorite night of the week. 

Three months of women sitting on couches given to me for free, talking around a table that was given to me for free, and watching Beth Moore teachings on a TV given to me for free.  And three months of women not caring how or where I got my furniture - but simply gathering on and around it to engage in fellowship.

Three months of women sitting on the floor because there wasn't enough spots on the couches and three months of washing their hands and putting their purses in a restroom that still has yet to be fully completed from our construction. 

Three months of women bringing snacks and sipping coffee and of sharing tears and laughs and prayer needs and three months of watching God answer those very prayers!  Three months of learning one another's hearts, and lives, and needs and learning to pray over those things for each other.

Three months of studying hard and of learning that scripture is not always about us but it is always for us!  Three months of learning that we are capable of understanding more than we think we are and of applying ourselves to be diligent to learn God's Word.

For three months these women came - despite the imperfections of the house, despite the imperfection of each other, and even despite the imperfections in themselves, they came and gave of themselves.  And they accepted each other.  Embraced each other.  Loved each other.

So to my Bible study ladies, my sisters, thank you!!

I feel like my house has now been christened!  Hosting Bible study has made my little house finally feel like home to me.  I feel like I belong more to my home now that it has been a place of gathering for us women to grow more in the knowledge of the Word and in unity with each other.
You have all been a part of bringing one of my biggest desires come to reality!
I love you all and am full of joy and thankfulness as I reflect on our three months together. 

Rest for Today

It's been an amazing year so far.

The past 12 days of 2013 have been full, stretching and exhilarating.
Friendships have grown.  Ministry has been developing.  Fellowship has blossomed.   Relationships have been poured into.  Work has been stimulating.  Marriage has been engaging and blessed.

But today?
I need some rest. 

But what does rest look like?  I think that depends on what part of your person-hood needs the rest.  Is it physical rest you need? Or is it emotional?  Spiritual?

For me, I often hit the point where I need rest in all three areas at once.  Usually when I've depleted one area, I rely on another area to sustain me - depleting that area as well.  Then, when I've exhausted all three, I admit to myself that it's time for some rest.
Some intentional, introverted, all-by-myself rest. 

So for me, today, rest looks like sleeping in until 10:00 am and laying in bed until the need for caffeine takes over.  Pouring myself a cup of coffee, sitting back in bed and surrounding myself with the items that help me process and rest spiritually and emotionally.

Sitting in bed surrounded by my new, super comfortable 50% off pillows, with the heater up and the window cracked open to let in fresh light and cool air.  (physical rest)

Journal and pen nearby.  Computer laying ahead of me.  Sometimes writing, sometimes just knowing it's near if I want to write to process more thoughts.  (emotional rest)

Bible lying next to me, open to one of the 4 books I am studying right now.  Lying available for me to read or to set back down as needed.  (spiritual rest)

This is what rest looks like for me today.

I'll get out of my pink pajamas and boot slippers eventually.  At some point the laundry will get put away and the vacuuming will be done.

But until I am physically, emotionally and spiritually filled again - I will rest. 

One Word 365 - Faith

I love how God always seems to choose my yearly "OneWord" for me.

On New Year's Even in 2010, I had already chosen a word to focus on for 2011 and a few hours before midnight, I could sense that God was changing it to something I never would of thought of.  "Warrior." 
That was an amazing year of getting over fears and gaining courage and strength in the Lord.

In 2012, I focused on the word "Joy."
Initially I didn't really want that word, but I knew that God was calling me to it.  How glad I am now!  I learned so much this year about the true meaning of the word Joy and where it's source is!  I already knew this intellectually as a Christian, but this year I have come to know inwardly that our Joy is truly not dependent on circumstances.  When we find our delight in the Lord, our Joy is unshakable because He is unchangeable.

This year, 2013, I feel God calling me to the word, "Faith."

It was a few days before the end of the year and I had been asking God what my word should be. As I was driving to do an errand, I was listening to the book of Hebrews.  When it got to chapter 11, "The Hall of Faith" my spirit quickened -  "That's it!"  
Then I remembered back to a couple months ago when a word of knowledge had been given to me at a Bible Study one night...
Just a simple word that God wanted to increase my faith.

2013 is a really good year for some faith building.  My husband and I are involved in a church plant in Orange County right now and every step is building and stretching our faith.  It is most likely the most exciting time of my life thus far and as I am seeing God move within His body I am being so stretched and called to more faith in who He is, in His power, and to who we are called to be in Him.
I also have personal dreams and desires that I have been seeking God about and I want to learn to have my faith in Jesus and in His perfect will rather than in my desire for my own dreams to be fulfilled.

I am excited to watch as God does His work in me this year.  For two years now, I have seen the Holy Spirit be so faithful as He has called me to a certain focus and then has done all the work in my heart.

My job this year is to obey.

I must use the skills I learned when I focused on being a "Warrior" and not let fear hold me back from anything Jesus calls me to in 2013.
I must remember the formation of Joy - that no matter what happens this year, my Joy is not dependent on what is seen circumstantially but on what I know to be true of Jesus Christ and the loving and holy character of God.

I am ready to grow.

I am ready to be stretched.

I am ready to Jump out in Faith.


Also - I'm putting together a "Faith 2013" playlist to be listening to this year - any suggestions for good songs on faith - please put them in the comments!

Here's one song I'm loving everyday:

4th Quarter Challenge

The Word of God is amazing.

Yes, I am talking about the BIBLE.

It is SO awesome.

I have always enjoyed sitting and reading my Bible.  Of course, I'm just like any other Christian who has had their seasons of not reading diligently, or not have a desire to read for a long-ish period of time, but overall, I enjoy sitting (when I discipline myself to do it) and reading the Word.

But I have never read the Bible cover-to-cover, beginning to end.  I'm sure at this point in my Christian walk, I've read most of it.  But there was so much, especially in the Old Testament, that still seemed foreign to me.

In June of this year, I decided to read the Bible straight through in a year.  I was doing well until I hit the middle of Leviticus.  Yep, that's where it gets really hard to keep plowing through.  So I basically stopped reading (except for my devotional reading) until a few weeks ago when our church announced the 4th Quarter Challenge.

The challenge is simple: read through the Bible in the last quarter of the year.

The whole Bible in 3 months.

Ya, right.  

But then my husband started doing it and I didn't want to be left out.  Plus, I already had the first couple books under my belt from the summer.

Now, I can't stop.  I LOVE it.

I'm super thankful for the iphone app Bible.is because it allows me to listen to most of my reading while I'm running reports at work or while I'm driving.  And I get a lot out of listening because it slows me down and makes me hear e.v.e.r.y word.

Being immersed in the Word is changing me.  It is giving me a better understanding of God's character - His Holiness and Righteous - and the more I learn about the Old Testament the more I am blown away by His Grace and His mercy!

The Word is a mirror that reveals our soul and our utter sinfulness as mankind.  But this makes me evermore grateful for the steadfast love of our Savior who has chosen to love me and bestow completely undeserved grace on me! The more I read about God's righteousness through His Word, I can't believe His great love in choosing to call me as one of His children.  And that it what makes me fall in awe at the feet of His Grace.

His Word is making me fall more and more in love with Him.  

It makes me think of the words of the chorus of one of my favorites songs:

Give me Jesus. 
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have ALL this world,
but give me Jesus.

All I want in this life is Jesus and I can't wait for Heaven so that I can just be in His presence forever!

Fullness of JOY

Without you, Jesus, I would have no joy in the sunset.

  

Without you, I would find no happiness in in any possessions; No latest item of fashion or car or house would fill me. 

Without you, my soul would be a vacuum, craving and feeding - craving and feeding, but never feeling full.

It is because You are my God that I take pleasure in this life. 

It is because this world is NOT my final home and is not my true dwelling place, that I can take joy in living here on earth.

It is because I know the Creator of the sun and the waves and the sand, that I can delight in a love for the ocean. 

It is because I know You!!!

Lord, when I don’t feel you near me, when I lose sight of who I am in You, not even my favorite things satisfy me.  When I have forgotten my understanding of what You have given me, now and eternally, my heart hardens and life becomes dull.

But Lord! Oh Lord!  When you give me the sweetness of Your presence no circumstances around me matter!  I could delight in your presence in the midst of construction, at the edge of the waves, or in the front seat of my car.  Nothing is sweet than those glimpses of eternity, nothing is sweet than knowing You!

It is knowing You that brings me joy during my times of prosperity.  When my troubles lesson and when provision is generous, I glory in the pleasures You allow me because they are gifts from You.  A dinner out with my husband, a new dress, a fresh bouquet of flowers on the table – these are all expressions of my love for You – of who I have been made to be – an unique expression of Your image. 

It is knowing You that brings me hope in more uncertain times.  It is understanding that I have been created in Your image, that You have called me as Your child, and that I have an inheritance as a daughter of God Most High that brings me purpose.  It is knowing this to be my destiny that allows me to submit in leaner times and to still delight in Your presence.

Lord Jesus, God Most High!  Worthy are You and all Your works!  In every season of my life, may my lips always utter praise!

Yes, Lord.  Yes, Lord!  In Your presence there is truly fullness of JOY.  

It Comes In Waves

Everything is fine again! Life is so lovely, summer is just stretching her legs, and the sun has been smiling.

New friends are being made, new hearts being discovered, and new joy showing itself to me.
I’ve been reconnecting to old friends, discovering the richness of being known, and discovering the beauty of receiving.

God is good and life is beautiful.

And so I thought I was done grieving.

I found out I’m not.

It hit me tonight in the quiet – when I could no longer hide in the noise.

I usually relish my quiet space. I plan my time alone to the fullest with the things I want to do to recharge my soul, spiritually and practically.

But in the past two days of complete quiet after work, with Adam gone at networking meetings and not a single sound in the house except the buzz of the refrigerator and the hum of the air conditioning, I’ve had a complete lack of desire for anything.

Folding one basket of laundry is so difficult that I can’t deal with the other overflowing basket. I put it back against the wall. I pull into the gym parking lot and can’t make myself walk inside. I even go to one of my favorite Starbucks in Laguna Beach and I just want to leave. I really just want to be home and sit.

And finally, after two days of resisting the quiet with attempted chores and lots of iPhone app surfing and lots of attempted life planning, I finally went to the corner spot of the couch and just sat there.

And then it came.

The second wave of grief for the baby I lost 3 weeks ago. The baby I buried with Adam outside the window where I type these words. The baby I was able to see and hold at only six and a half weeks.

A baby who had a visible brain and spinal cord. A baby whose arms were budding and whose eyes were visible.

A baby who, for a little while, I had given life to. And a baby who was taken home even earlier than it’s sibling two and half years ago.

And so I sit here, for the second time in three years, grieving how two unplanned joys have turned into two of the biggest heartaches I’ve ever known.

And as I sit here, I'm hoping that this isn’t all I will ever know of motherhood.

Walking as a Warrior

My year learning to be a Warrior has been a good one.

A GREAT one.

But the battle is tough.

My last post was about Playing it Hurt. I said it was time to start playing hurt, and by that I meant that I no longer wanted my fears to hold me back from getting in the game. The game of life, of relationships, of passions, or of my goals.

So, although I stopped writing about it for awhile, I DID get back in the game.

I've faced alot of fears this year - especially in the first six months of 2011. One of the biggest was that I worked up the nerve and courage to take an audition prep class, take a voice lesson and prepare for an audition into the Pacific Chorale - a professional Chorale whose concerts I have attended through the years.

I was so nervous - but I went. I followed through.

I tried.

And when I walked out of that audition, I had NO idea if I had a chance or not. But I was elated because I tried and fear had not won.

To me, that was the victory!

A week later, I received a voicemail saying that I had been accepted into the Chorale. Tears from out of the hidden places of heart lept out of my eyes - I kept thinking, "What if I hadn't tried? What if I kept listening to my fear?"
That is one example (and one of the bigger ones) of how I am allowing God to help me fight my fears.

But I am also learning that being a Warrior doesn't just mean facing fears.

It also means having vision.

And THAT is what I have been seeking for these last few months.

I know my purpose is to serve my King.

"But what, oh King, do you desire from me? Put vision into my soul of Your purposes for me, and give me the strength and character of heart to follow after that vision."

This is my prayer as I continue to seek to be His warrior.