Words. Friendship. Rest.

I seem to have run out of words the past couple days.

I not only seem to be at a loss of words to put on this blog but also at a loss of words flying around at rapid speed in my head.

And I am mucho happy about the latter.

On Friday, I wrote about striving and the constant motions of words and questions whirring around in my head. That night, I headed up to my best friend’s house in Northridge. We actually spent the weekend at her parent’s house; a place which I have come to know as my personal retreat getaway in the last couple years.

My weekend was FULL of words. What would you expect if you hadn’t seen your best friend for three months because she had been out-of-state??

Words exchanged across a tiny wooden table in the corner at Starbucks.

Words exchanged in the shady corner of the backyard with a tissue in hand and tears running out the corners of my eyes.

Words shared a foot across from each other as we shared the bed and talked about the things best friends talk about late at night. More words shared even with our backs turned because we were trying to sleep but we still had more to say.

Words in the kitchen while making our snacks.

Words of exclamation while watching Planet Earth videos.

Words while driving. Words while resting. Words while laughing.

It felt SO good.

My friend and I? Well, we both do words well!

The combination of the flowing of words and the receiving of words, rest and play, productivity and pampering has resulted in some of the most mentally peaceful days I have had in a long time.

The lightening speed of words zipping around in my head isn’t really occurring right now. In fact, I have actually caught myself a couple times in the past few days not thinking about anything.

I would all of a sudden realize, “Oh my gosh! I was just not thinking about anything!”

THAT hasn’t happened in a long time. And it felt good.

I still have a lot of the same questions that I have been asking myself. They aren’t all answered. But I don’t feel so panicked about needing having the answers all NOW. I will continue to search (especially from the Lord) and the answers will come.

But the main thing that this weekend of words, friendship and rest showed me was that the main thing is Jesus.

It is all about KNOWING JESUS.

I knew that. But I needed those three things (words, friendship, and rest) to remind me of that and to refresh my soul.


And to my dear friend and her lovely mom and wonderful family, thank you SO much!

Learning to Sit Back.

I'm learning to sit back; just to sit back and let someone else do the work.

More specifically, I am learning to let Him do the work.

Him being my Redeemer, My Lord, My Lover, My Father, My Provider, My Deliverer.

Yes, that would be Jesus.

I am learning to let Jesus have His timing with my heart. When I try to conjure up change, it doesn't stick. When I try to conjure up an emotional spiritual experience, it falls flat at the end. When I try and try and try, I just seem to get tired.

But right now, I know He is working in my heart. And this time, rather than asking and asking Him what He is doing, or rather than taking the tools out of His hands and trying to finish the job myself, I am going to try to just sit back and notice.

Notice the changes He is making.

Notice the state of my heart.

Notice what jumps out at me as I read His Word.

I want the work that is being done in me to be done by my Lord and not by my flesh. So, instead of thinking of all these ways that I can draw closer to God, I think I am just going to make myself more and more available to following His leading. Making time to be in the Word, yes. Spending time in prayer, yes. But doing these things out of love and not out of a striving heart.

I think I will just, "Be still, and know that HE is God."

This Side of the Give-and-Take-Away Line

I was doing good.

I was adjusting to what God has allowed in my life. I was adjusting to what He had allowed to be taken away. I was getting ready to roll up my sleeves for what is to come. And, I was actually getting excited for the direction I am headed.

And THEN….

…I read a facebook status. (those things are awesome, aren’t they?) It was written by an old friend from my high school church youth group.

After I read that status I was, all of a sudden, NOT okay anymore.

All at once, all of my desires were thrown in my face from someone who has (seemingly) exactly what I want and what I almost had.

Jealousy instantly threw itself over me and covered me like a dark, thick blanket.

Suffocating.

Heavy.

Blinding.

“Why did you take MY baby away and allow her to keep hers?” “Why does she get this lifestyle and not ME?”

Normally, I’m not a super jealous person. I do struggle with it sometimes, though. And I definitely have a struggle with comparing myself to others. This time, the jealousy hit HARD.

This July, I have been remembering last July. Last July was a month of joy. It was a month of pregnancy. It was a month of the promise of the life of which I have dreamed. Motherhood.

August 8th, 2009, that dream was stolen from me. I don’t know when it will be returned.

I am happy for my old friend. But my heart hurts for myself.

The thing is, I don’t want it to. I really just want my heart to focus on how God is teaching me, molding me, going to use me, blessing me, walking with me, etc, etc, etc….

I’m gonna have to ask the Lord for a little more help on this one right now.

I didn’t expect life to be fair. I guess I just didn’t expect to be on this end of the give-and-take-away line.

It’s hard watching people live on the “give” side of the line when you’re on the “take-away” side of the line.

Hmmmm…perhaps I should limit the amount of facebook statuses I read? :-)


Forgive my wandering eyes, Lord. Help me not to be like Peter when he asked, “Lord, what about him?” and You answered, “…what concern is that of yours? You follow Me.” Please give me that heart with eyes only focused on following You. Help me to accept what You allow in my life and help me to not become bitter when You take away.


What about YOU? Do you ever struggle with jealously when someone else has something you desire?

Daddy's Girl

My husband and I were talking with a leader at our church today (yesterday, as you read this) after service and following at the edge of the leader’s heels was an adorable three-year-old daughter.

The whole time we were talking with him, I kept observing his daughter - all her cute antics, the way she would express her desires, and the fascination she had with the ants on the sidewalk. But what I observed the most was the way she trusted her daddy.

I first started paying more attention to her communication with her dad when I heard her call out for help on a cement stair step. “My daddy! My daddy!” she yelled. “That is so cute,” I thought.

My daddy, she said. Her daddy. She knew that HER daddy would come. That HER daddy would help her. That HER daddy would be there for her. She trusted HER daddy.

This little girl watched her daddy. She looked to see where he was when she would walk more than a few feet away. Can I still see my daddy? She called his name to get him to just give her a smile. Does my daddy notice me? She kept looking up at her daddy while he was praying and then kept closing her eyes again to do it like him. (Yes, I was peeking.)

And then, as she got tired, right there on the ant-trodden, dusty cement, she laid down at her daddy’s feet and used his tennis-shoe-covered-feet as a pillow.

I want to be like this little girl with my Abba Father, my Heavenly Daddy.

I want to call Him, My Daddy. I want to know that MY Daddy will come to me, and help me, and be there for me. I want to trust my Abba - MY Daddy.

I want to watch my daddy. I want to always make sure He can see me, I want to call on Him name often and know that He hears me, and I want to do what my Daddy does.

And when I’m tired and weary, I just want to curl up and lay at my Daddy’s feet, despite whatever is going on around me, and know that I am safe - because Abba Father is MY daddy.

Are you glad for a Heavenly Daddy in which you can place all your trust?