And I don’t know how to stop.
According to my outside actions, it may not look like I’m striving, but OH! My mind is running. My thoughts are racing. I feel desperate to figure IT out.
To figure WHAT out?
Who am I in light of the life experiences I have gone through in the past few years?
What is my purpose amidst a world that has more suffering than I realized?
What little steps can I take to make myself a more balanced, understanding, and wise person?
How can I prepare myself, set myself up, for God’s will in my life?
What the heck IS God’s will in my life?
How do I rid myself of the spiritual pride that I thought was finally gone and I keep rediscovering?
How? Why? What? Where? When? REPEAT.
When I can barely fall asleep from these (and other) thoughts racing through my brain at lightening speed, and when I wake up from a restless night of sleep only to find that my “sleeping” brain was still running all night and when I am once again going the through the motions of the morning aware that my brain is still on full-speed ahead mode, I become exhausted emotionally.
Why can’t I just “Be Still and Know that He is God?” That’s sounds nearly impossible.
However, I think I have an inkling of what the root of all this is.
Could it be my spiritual pride? Could it be that I consider myself relatively important? Because one thing I DID realize yesterday is that my mental state right now isn’t exactly giving the impression of a person who is saying, “I must decrease that He must increase (John 3:30)”
I feel like all the striving in my thoughts keeps putting the focus back on me, Me, ME!
I talked over the phone with my friend yesterday and after our conversation she sent me a text urging me to sit down in the Word for at least 5 minutes and meditate on Psalm 103.
I actually did. And it actually helped.
“Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name!”
Oh, how I hope that THAT verse becomes my heartbeat and the meditation of my mind. But I know I can't do this alone and in my own strength.
Left alone, I strive. In fellowship, I am encouraged back to meditation on God's Word.
Perhaps that's why God created us for community.
Thank you, Lord, for friends that lead us back to Your Word and to Your Heart. My mind needs much renewing. I pray that you would surround me with encouragment to put my eyes back on YOU Jesus. To my heart back in Your Word. Thank you for Your patience, gentleness, and love.