Unexpected Blessings.

I don't like fighting sickness.

Especially when it means having to cancel piano lessons for a third week in a row with two of the most wonderful little sisters in the world. Not only do I feel bad about holding their progress back another week, but I miss my weekly dose of getting to spend time with them.

However,

I believe God has set aside tonight for me.

On the outside, it looks like a nothing-special-sorta-disappointing night. An evening filled with cancelled plans, a sore throat, an overworking immunity system, stretchy sweats, pony-tailed hair, and dishes waiting to be washed doesn't sound very glamorous.

And it's not, really.

But there are some special things about an evening like this.

A husband needing some de-stressing comes home and puts on his sweats too. Netflix movies give his mind some rest while I relax by writing. A steaming, homeade latte for him while I keep downing cups of hot tea with slices of lemon.

Tonight is a chance for my husband and I to occupy our home. It is a chance to use our home as a place of healing and respite. Tonight we can light our candles, enjoy the Thanksgiving decorations that were put up over the weekend, get cozy in our sweats, and just be.

Just Be.

Even when we aren't in the same room, I enjoy hearing him move around in the other room. I love knowing he is near. I love walking past him and being available for a seven minute conversation before we each go back to what we were doing. I like being able to share a quick-something that we just remembered by talking from room to room. I like being available to live life with him.

So, although it took my body fighting sickness and a night off of school for my husband, we are getting the blessing of occupying the same space tonight and just being together. Together, we are healing body, mind and soul.

And I'm sure that whatever tomorrow brings, we will be better because of tonight.



What are some unexpected blessings that YOU have received lately?

Doing it Afraid.

I make the decision.

I AM going to go.

I start getting ready forty minutes before I have to be there and I leave twelve minutes before 7:00. I sing along to my most recent favorite worship songs on repeat as I drive and follow directions on my iphone.

I pull into the church parking lot and follow the signs set up for parking.

And, right before I open my car door to leave my little, safe, personal world, it starts to happen.

Anxiety - but not too severe. Not what it used to be like in new situations. But still, I couldn't help but be nervous.

I have learned how to control my anxiety in I'm-new-to-this-group situations by pretending on the outside with my actions that everything is fine. I am careful with the expression that my face is showing so that I don't look scared. I try to move in a comfortable manner so I don't look awkward. All the while, my inside is tightening and my hands and face are starting to become warm.

I am greeted by the girl at the front. The first of many ladies I would be meeting.

I follow her directions and walk up the stairs. Everyone in the room is talking in groups or in pairs.

There are three rows of chairs. I quietly sit in the middle row (not too forward to sit in the front on my first time but not too cowardly to sit in the back, either).

When it comes time for everyone to be seated, I am the ONLY one in the middle row. Apparently, everyone else likes to sit in the backrow.

As the worship starts, I try to remind myself that everyone else is here to worship - NOT here to watch the girl in the second row and criticize how she looks when she is worshipping.

The teaching starts. It's a small group that night so the teacher moves us all over to one side for a more intimate setting. I pull out my journal. I NEED to remember all that he is saying...it is so good. However, I am the only one taking notes.

Teaching is over. A girl comes and talks to me before we break off into small group. I really like her and I am thankful we are getting to know each other, but my nervous habits are popping out. Not knowing how much eye contact to give, worrying about the position of my hands, wondering if I am blushing, worrying if I will say something stupid.

Time to go to break off into groups. I follow this girl (who happens to be the girl who greeted me at the door) and she explains how the sessions usually work. The rest of the ladies join us for the open-share group.

Sweet and genuine ladies. Very welcoming.

We head into our share time. I try to give eye contact and use my body language to encourage each speaker. Then it is my turn and I get nervous again. I am much more comfortable encouraging others as they share than sharing what is going on inside me.

I share. The ladies give nods of understanding. The ladies seem to totally understand. But still, when I am done, I can't help but feel that many of the things I said, or how I said them, sounded a little silly.

We pray. That's when I finally feel comfortable. Praying for the lady on my right and I am finally able to speak genuinely from my heart because I am right at the feet of Jesus speaking to Him on this lady's behalf.

We finish prayer. I become self-conscious again.

I walk out and the girl I prayed for walks with me. She shares a bit of her story with me and I learn how much we are able to relate. We get to the door where I choose to head to my car and she chooses to stay and fellowship. I give an awkward "I'll-see-you-soon" and she gives a non-awkward smile and goodbye.

I walk down the stairs, back to my car, and as soon as I get in and close my car door, I feel safe again. Back inside my safe, little, secure world. My own little environment.

I drive home and sing the same worship songs that I sang on the way there and I reflect on my night.

It was a GOOD night. It was where I needed to be. And I am pretty sure it is where I need to continue to be.

I don't want to let my fear of entering into new groups and new environments stop me from fellowship and growth and blessing.

The group was filled with sincere, loving people. The worship leader was genuine. The teacher was loving and an excellent communicator. The share-group was authentic and safe and filled with lovely ladies.

The only problem was that my heart was filled with fear. A fear grown from the seed of self-focus.

My prayer is that as I choose to "do it afraid," as one of my favorite bloggers would say, that I will give the enemy less power in my life so that the Lord will be able to work in my heart and heal me and bless me.

I am thankful for last night.

I am thankful for the fellowship and for what I learned.

I am thankful for how God is healing me and teaching me.

And I am looking forward to the day when I am able to walk into new situations without anxiety. Until that day though, I will do it afraid.



What about YOU? What are some situations that bring out your fears or anxieties? Do you get nervous in new environments?

I'm Loving....

....lots of things right now.

But here are a few biggies.

I'm loving...The Weather.

Thank you, So Cal, for actually giving us some weather that makes it feel like autumn this October! So deliciously cozy!

I'm loving...Quiet Evenings with Candles.

I have not been that busy running to and fro; however, my time has been well occupied.

I have been spending a few evenings a week at home. I have been opening a window to hear the rain and make the house cool enough for slippers. I have been doing lots of cooking and watching Redbox or Netflix-delivered movies. I've even been practicing my voice and piano music again. I've been doing all these things to the quiet yet enlivening glow of candles all throughout my house. I am LOVING my home evenings.

I'm loving...My Sisters.

Talking on the phone. Hearing details no one else is privy too. Laughing at things that only make us laugh. Getting together to work on piano music. Having comment conversations on facebook. Watching all three of them grow into beautiful (young) women. Nothing replaces a sister (or three)!

I'm loving...My Husband.

He is quite the guy; I love him SO much! He works so hard in every area of his life. He has so many big responsibilities pulling at him in this busy season of his life, and yet he still takes the time to share himself with me. He reserves our date night for just us. He sneaks in an extra date when he can. He calls me on his lunch. He shares his heart even when he is tired and also listens to mine. His positive attitude continues to uplift our household and bring me peace.

Thank you, Lord, for these - and so many other - blessings. You have withheld no good thing from me.


What about YOU? What are you loving these days?

I Used To.... Now I....

I recently found an awesome blogger, Mary Kathryn Tyson. I love the authenticity with which she writes and the humorous way she often approaches truth.

I loved this idea that she did on her blog and I thought I would do it here too!

I Used To.... . Now I....

I used to allow my fear of people's opinion to govern my actions. Now I choose to do what I want or what is best for me, despite my still-present fear of what people might think.

I used to trust anyone. Now I am more careful with who I believe.

I used to never question God's love for me. Now I struggle with understanding God's love.

I used to not be okay with not having the right answers. Now I realize that it's okay to not know everything and it's good to embrace the process of God maturing me.

I used to be a vocal performance, then music education, then music therapy major. Now I have one more class before I graduate with my B.S. in Education.

I used to not understand what it meant to lose someone. Now I do.

I used to not be able to relate to the depth of people's pain. Now I have more experiential grounds on which to relate.

I used to read blogs. Now I read AND write blogs.

I used to not be very good at saying "no". Now I am much better at setting good boundaries for myself.

I used to think God's rules were very black-and-white. Now I think there is a bit more color and mystery to His ways.

I used to strive to be perfect. Now I strive to be closer to the heart of God.

I used to rarely go to the movies. Now I often go to the movies. (Thank you, $2 and $3 theaters!)

I used to be legalistic. Now I am beginning to understand grace.

I used to think that my opinion was the correct opinion. Now I realize that I am often wrong.

I used to love ice cream. Now I STILL love ice cream!

What about YOU? Fill in the Blanks: I used to_____. Now I _____.

Jesus Loves Me.

I am learning that Jesus loves me.

(you would think I already know...since the Bible tells me so...)

I used to know He loved me.

And I am beginning to know again.

Not just hope. Not just wish. Not just pretend.

But KNOW. that Jesus. Loves. Me.

My heart and my mind are beginning to come together on this subject. My heart has known the truth all along. I couldn't give up the belief that God loved me and really desired good things for me as His child.

But my mind wandered. My mind doubted. My mind started trying to piece together all the hard things that started happening over and over and over and it eventually came to a belief that maybe Jesus didn't love me that much after all.

And, without realizing that my mind was believing that, I began to approach my life as if that was true. It was when I began to evaluate my actions and the way I thought about myself that I began to realize what I believed about Jesus' love (or lack thereof) for me.

After much wrestling in my own strength, after some honest conversations with close friends and family, and after walking in obedience to truth even when I am unsure, I am beginning to feel God renewing my mind.

He is opening my eyes to His love. He lavishly poured love on me this weekend. And He is giving me the ability to see things through the filter of His love.

This is the love that I used to walk in. But as I rediscover it, it feels so NEW.

Perhaps it is because I had never known what it was like to live without His love before.

Now, after experiencing what it feels like to walk in a way that doesn't accept His abundant love for me, I am more grateful and more thirsty for His love than ever before.

What about YOU? Are you experiencing God's Love? Or do you struggle with believing He loves you?

Relational Conflict.

Hmmm, that is going to be uncomfortable.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that looks like it might hurt.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmmm, that’s hard.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Ignoring.

Procrastination.

Living in False Reality.

That is how I usually choose to deal with conflict.

I do NOT like dealing with conflict. I don’t want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I do want to take care of myself and do what is healthy for me. But I can’t be honest with the other party because it will hurt their feelings.

Indecisive.

Confused.

Hiding.

That’s me right now. (At least, that’s me in the area of relational conflict. Other areas are doing much better :-)

But this area: Relational Conflict. It can take me for quite a spin.

I do not know how to do what is healthy for me because I am so concerned about hurting other people’s feelings.

I recently started focusing much more directly on learning about some of my issues in codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. And then wouldn’t you know it? THE situation of all situations has arisen in the midst of my focus on healing in this area.

Do I want to deal with it?

Not a bit.

Am I going to deal with it? In a HEALTHY way?

Well, I sure hope so. I’m not giving any promises but I know I really need to heal and start making the right choices in this area of my life. So, I sure hope I deal with this correctly.

When I look at why it is so hard to stand up for what is healthy for me I have to force myself to ask these two questions:

1 – What is motivating your actions right now? The answer is usually fear. Fear of hurting others, fear of not being liked, fear of being misunderstood.
2 – What is God’s desire for you in this situation? Usually – though not always – I seem to find that the answer is what I fear doing the most. Awesome.

So, this weekend, amidst some really fun plans like:

~pumpkin patching and movie going with my husband,
~wedding flower designing with my lovely florist friend,
~ and birthday celebrating for my Dad and sister's boyfriend with my family,

I will also be doing some healing, decision making, and listening from the Lord in this struggling area in my life.

And hopefully in that process, I will also do some receiving of courage.

Because truth be known,

I’m afraid.

How do YOU deal with conflict? How do you decide to make the decisions that are healthy for you when you feel unhealthy pressure and guilt from the other side?

Disneyland-Day Recap

My Disneyland-Heidi-Day-Adventure was awesome.

It was seriously one of the greatest days I've had all year. So.Much.Fun.

I loved getting to wake up and make breakfast for my husband and me before he left for work. I loved taking my time to get dressed. I had a blast listening to "The Best of Weird Al" in the car (further evidence of my nerd-like tendancies) and was excited by the bolts of lightening I kept seeing on my drive to the Magical Kingdom. Before I entered the park, I stopped at the nearest Starbucks and saw an old choir friend from Chapman now working as the store manager. (Too bad it didn't result in a free latte...)

I started my morning off at the beautiful fireplace in the California Grand Hotel. Fireplace, live piano music, vanilla latte, and journal....what could be better? I spent some time in the book of Philippians, specifially in Chapter 3 verse 14,

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us..."

In the moment I read that verse, it was an incredible reminder to me to continue to release the good memories of the past and live for what God has for me in today. In that moment, I felt a nudge to NOT go around Disneyland reminiscing about all the memories I have experienced there, but rather to go explore new things and to live moment by moment and embrace new experiences.

It was SO freeing and SO fun!

I didn't take pictures of everything I did; but here's a few of the pics that I did take:

Me, after devotions, and off to start the day:

The band on Main Street; I listened to the whole concert and it was SO good!



I chose the hand-dipped corn dog as my splurge for the day and it was delicious! I enjoyed some shade and some people watching while I ate.



The Halloween Decorations are so fun around the park! Not gruesome or scary, but totally whimsical and family-friendly.




I watched a musical comedy show at the Golden Horseshoe Saloon. Hilarious!!! I cannot believe I have never seen this before and I can't wait to show my family!



I went to the Tiki Room for the first time in about 10 years and had a blast. Then, I went on over to watch Caption EO. Here's me in my 3-D glasses waiting for the show.

So, there's my little tour of what parts of my day were like! Besides being a super-fun time, God also spoke some wonderful things to my heart and allowed me to have the ability to fully embrace what He was leading me in that day.

Perhaps, in the near future, I will share....