Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This Side of the Give-and-Take-Away Line

I was doing good.

I was adjusting to what God has allowed in my life. I was adjusting to what He had allowed to be taken away. I was getting ready to roll up my sleeves for what is to come. And, I was actually getting excited for the direction I am headed.

And THEN….

…I read a facebook status. (those things are awesome, aren’t they?) It was written by an old friend from my high school church youth group.

After I read that status I was, all of a sudden, NOT okay anymore.

All at once, all of my desires were thrown in my face from someone who has (seemingly) exactly what I want and what I almost had.

Jealousy instantly threw itself over me and covered me like a dark, thick blanket.




“Why did you take MY baby away and allow her to keep hers?” “Why does she get this lifestyle and not ME?”

Normally, I’m not a super jealous person. I do struggle with it sometimes, though. And I definitely have a struggle with comparing myself to others. This time, the jealousy hit HARD.

This July, I have been remembering last July. Last July was a month of joy. It was a month of pregnancy. It was a month of the promise of the life of which I have dreamed. Motherhood.

August 8th, 2009, that dream was stolen from me. I don’t know when it will be returned.

I am happy for my old friend. But my heart hurts for myself.

The thing is, I don’t want it to. I really just want my heart to focus on how God is teaching me, molding me, going to use me, blessing me, walking with me, etc, etc, etc….

I’m gonna have to ask the Lord for a little more help on this one right now.

I didn’t expect life to be fair. I guess I just didn’t expect to be on this end of the give-and-take-away line.

It’s hard watching people live on the “give” side of the line when you’re on the “take-away” side of the line.

Hmmmm…perhaps I should limit the amount of facebook statuses I read? :-)

Forgive my wandering eyes, Lord. Help me not to be like Peter when he asked, “Lord, what about him?” and You answered, “…what concern is that of yours? You follow Me.” Please give me that heart with eyes only focused on following You. Help me to accept what You allow in my life and help me to not become bitter when You take away.

What about YOU? Do you ever struggle with jealously when someone else has something you desire?


  1. Heidi I struggle with jealousy issues constantly, while i go around life claiming not to be a jealous person. Isn't it hard? It is one of the ugliest human traits and (sadly) one of the easiest to fall into because we all have insecurities on some level or another.

    I'm sure you've thought about this already, and maybe I am completely wrong to say this but, I think you are justified in being a little jealous. I think you get some wiggle room here. This loss was enormous and it is no secret that it does some horrible things to a woman's mind...I can only imagine, you poor thing. Just lift it up to Him (not that I need to tell you that)... He's much bigger than we can fathom, and He can lighten your burden. He'll take care of it for you. Don't try to carry that load around yourself.

    What else can we do? We're all just people and none of us can avoid "ugly" emotions, no matter how hard we try.

    Although, in my opinion, you've always been awfully good at it. :)

    Take care, love. Happy writing.

  2. Hiedi, It is so true we all struggle with the ugly jealousy issue !! So sad but,comforting to know that God uses "All things to strengthen us who Love Him" and this is a memory that will never be forgotten! Im sure it is to be used for Gods glory .... Your testomony of experienceing the Storm of hurt , loss, frusteration and seeking Gods will... is blessing the souls, the Lord wants you to share! So glad you have the honesty to blog the trueth! ...In such a time as this. He uses our storms to Weep with those who weep...PSALM 126:6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Thanks for shareing from a Jeolous heart too! LOVE FROM ABOVE

  3. Jessica: Thank you, friend! It was so encouraging to read your comment this morning! thanks for your honesty and your perspective - and for allowing me some wiggle room! :-) and I ALWAYS appreciate reminders to lift my emotions up to Jesus! thank goodness He can carry the weight of them all...

  4. Anonymous[aka, Michelle ;-)]: thanks for the encouragment to share even from a heart that is struggling; I do hope, like you said, that God will use me to "weep with those who weep."