I was doing good.
I was adjusting to what God has allowed in my life. I was adjusting to what He had allowed to be taken away. I was getting ready to roll up my sleeves for what is to come. And, I was actually getting excited for the direction I am headed.
…I read a facebook status. (those things are awesome, aren’t they?) It was written by an old friend from my high school church youth group.
After I read that status I was, all of a sudden, NOT okay anymore.
All at once, all of my desires were thrown in my face from someone who has (seemingly) exactly what I want and what I almost had.
Jealousy instantly threw itself over me and covered me like a dark, thick blanket.
“Why did you take MY baby away and allow her to keep hers?” “Why does she get this lifestyle and not ME?”
Normally, I’m not a super jealous person. I do struggle with it sometimes, though. And I definitely have a struggle with comparing myself to others. This time, the jealousy hit HARD.
This July, I have been remembering last July. Last July was a month of joy. It was a month of pregnancy. It was a month of the promise of the life of which I have dreamed. Motherhood.
August 8th, 2009, that dream was stolen from me. I don’t know when it will be returned.
I am happy for my old friend. But my heart hurts for myself.
The thing is, I don’t want it to. I really just want my heart to focus on how God is teaching me, molding me, going to use me, blessing me, walking with me, etc, etc, etc….
I’m gonna have to ask the Lord for a little more help on this one right now.
I didn’t expect life to be fair. I guess I just didn’t expect to be on this end of the give-and-take-away line.
It’s hard watching people live on the “give” side of the line when you’re on the “take-away” side of the line.
Hmmmm…perhaps I should limit the amount of facebook statuses I read? :-)
Forgive my wandering eyes, Lord. Help me not to be like Peter when he asked, “Lord, what about him?” and You answered, “…what concern is that of yours? You follow Me.” Please give me that heart with eyes only focused on following You. Help me to accept what You allow in my life and help me to not become bitter when You take away.
What about YOU? Do you ever struggle with jealously when someone else has something you desire?